Used Cars Page #3

Rudy, come on!

I'm not doing a commercial wearing these.

- Sweetheart, you'll look great.

- We'll look like a**holes!

- Stand by!

- Jeff, put 'em on. I'm serious.

- No!

- Stand by!

- Ready when you are, freddie.

- He's got it at the forty.

- Put 'em on, jeff!

- No, forget it!

- He's past the midfield stripe!

- No way!

He's on the thirty!

- Put 'em on!

- It's out of the question.

- He's on the twenty.

- No!

- Put 'em on!

- No, no, no!

- And eddie...

- what?

- Take it!

- Okay, freddie.

My god, it's a red car.

That's a stupid place for a commercial.

I don't believe it! Did you see that?

Let's look at one of these

beautiful models, shall we?

- What the f*** is this, rudy?

- What did he say?

You know he just said "f***"?

That's an fcc violation.

A red chariot to take my ass

straight to hell!

Margaret! Get out there!

Holy jesus!

She's caught on the hood ornament.

Stupid b*tch! I hate women!

Rudy, look! It's a red car!

Well, folks, these people

are obviously hysterical -

- over the fabulous deals we have

here at new deal used cars.

We've got over ten jillion cars down here.

Every one a best deal like that.

- Let's take a look under the hood.

- What?!

- Hey, look, bare tits!

- That's disgusting!

I don't want my children to see that!

All those years at film school paid off.

Holy jesus palomino!

Seduce the camera...

come on down to new deal used cars...

come on down and leave it to us.

Front page advertising and it's free.

Can you believe it?

- This is it, guys, it's time.

- I never sold no damn cars before.

Just get 'em in that car. Nothing sells

a car better than the car itself.

You gotta get their friendship, their trust,

then get their money. Ready, jeff?

Jim? Toby? You ready?

Okay, guys...

let's go!

Morning!

- Hi, there, mr and mrs...?

- O'hara.

Rudy o'brian, how are ya?

I've got this '74...

- hi there, mr and mrs...?

- Lopez, seor.

Rudy garcia. '68 chevy...

take a look at it, i'll be right back.

- Hi there, mr and mrs...?

- Jackson.

Hey, rudy washington carver.

You checking out this cadillac...

look at that, mrs ingallheart, the

interior matches the colour of your eyes.

I just noticed something else.

Mrs lopez, do you realise -

- that your hair

matches the colour of these tyres?

- Let me get the door for you.

- That's all right, i'm just looking.

- Yeah, well, i want you to look inside.

- No, i don't want to get inside.

- It's comfy, roomy, a lot of leg room.

- I've just been looking around.

These aren't the cars i bought.

These are the cars your students

will be able to afford.

They should be

learning to drive in these cars.

- But the school board...

- they'll thank you.

Now, i'm the kind of guy that believes

that a man with your insight -

- should be fairly compensated

for such high thinking, don't you agree?

Do you have a car in mind for me?

- I want you to look inside.

- I don't want to look inside!

Just get in the motherfucking car!

Get in there!

Boys! Out of the car! Now!

- Well, you like animals, don't you?

- Yeah, i got three dogs of my own.

Then you understand when i say that not

only do i think this is the car for you, -

- but toby thinks this is

the car for you, don't you, toby?

There you see, isn't that cute?

So, al, the least we can do

is take the car for a test drive.

Toby wants to go for a test drive,

don't you, toby?

- Test drive with toby, how about it, al?

- All right.

Okay, everybody in the car!

In the car, kids!

Everybody in the car,

test drive with toby...

we're going for a test drive

with toby, that's right...

so, al, listen,

this baby's got a big engine...

a lot of power, big v8.

I want you to feel that pickup.

So just go right ahead and punch it.

Punch it?

Stop!

Oh my god!

You killed my dog, mister.

You killed my dog!

I'm sorry...

all he wanted was for you to be happy

in this car... and now he's dead.

How was i supposed to know...?

- We raised it from a puppy...

- how could you?

Look, mister, i know

i can't bring your dog back...

but... how about if i buy the car?

Nail 'em for false advertising.

They said they had 10 million cars.

They said they had ten jillion cars.

Even if they said ten million,

i've got to prosecute the owner.

He's off on a

fishing expedition in florida.

Fishing expedition, my ass! He's sitting

at the bottom of a lake someplace.

You've got no proof.

What do i need proof for?

I'm roy I. Fuchs, goddammit!

If you won't help me put them

out of business, i'll do it by myself.

By using the greatest tool this country

ever developed:
Free enterprise.

The american way!

This is the best goddam gimmick i've

come up with so far, this circus idea...

come on in, ride the camel,

feed the helium and drive out a car.

Come on in, join the circus!

Look at them over there.

Not a customer on the lot.

That commercial was a fluke.

They're practically out of business.

Yeah, that's what the people want:

Old-fashioned, homespun entertainment.

That's what roy I. Fuchs stands for too.

I just hope that goddam camel

don't sh*t all over the lot.

Folks! Here at new deal used cars

we are stripping away inflation!

We're taking off those high prices!

We're getting down to

the bare minimums, so come on over -

- and check out the front ends of these

beauties and inspect the rear ends too!

Scum...

all you have to do

is sign your name right here...

over there we have

a group of immoral charlatans.

They will stoop to the lowest...

oh sh*t, cut it! What?

- You can't say that on tv.

- I can say any goddam thing i want.

- This is the american way.

- It's slander, they can sue you.

Only the owner could sue me and he

has to be alive. Now get out of here.

Hey, rudy, it's old lorette here.

I was out buying some peroxide today-

- and there was this clerk who looks

just like you and it got me thinking...

hi, rudy, this is nadine.

If you don't have a date, i bought

this new barry manilow record today...

it's mary lou bainbridge,

if you throw out my number again...

rudy, it's jeff. Watch the channel 12

movie tonight, we're in big trouble.

...a menace that should be brought

to the attention of every decent citizen.

Behind me is the automobile business

at its absolute worst.

A group of immoral charlatans,

masquerading as businessmen.

They will stoop to the lowest, most

vulgar, vile and disgusting ploys -

- to deceive the honest,

hard-working citizen.

They are the lowest form of scum

on the face of the earth...

son of a b*tch!

This is roy I. Fuchs,

pre-owned automobiles.

Just a second, pal!

Jam the presidential address?

I hate to break this to you,

but you're out of your friggin' mind.

You've gone right over the edge...

national television, we'll be on

all three networks at the same time.

- How's that even done?

- Freddie?

- Microwaves.

- Great, little ovens...

it's simple. You take the microwaves

and you bounce 'em off a comsat.

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