Vacation Page #2

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we never get to see.

That's good!

No, that's bad.

We can't close our eyes

to the plight of the cities.

Kids, are you noticing all this plight?

This will just make us

appreciate what we have.

Roll them up!

I'd better ask these fellows

how to get back on the expressway.

I wonder if you could tell me how

to get back on the expressway?

F*** your mama!

Thank you very much!

Hey, excuse me?

What it is, bro'!

We're from out of town.

No sh*t?

Listen, I'd really appreciate it

if you could...

...give me directions

back onto the expressway.

What? For free?

Sure.

Five dollars.

I'm not going to give you

$5 for directions!

I think that's fair, Clark.

Okay. Here's $10.

Keep the change.

You see which way you're pointing?

You see that place?

Do you see the sign, "Rib Tips"?

Well, f*** that,

you don't want to go that way.

I wonder if these guys

know The Commodores.

You go half a block down the street...

...and you'll see a Torino

with no wheels on it.

Inside that Torino is my cousin, Jackie.

Tell him that you're my boy,

and that you're lost.

He'll make sure you

get where you're going.

You don't want to know from me.

I'm not from this neighborhood.

I'm from the west side of Chicago,

here on vacation.

Thanks a lot. You've been a great help.

"I'm Mister Blue

"When you say you love me... "

Honey?

Remember when we were in college...

...and drove to Fort Lauderdale

in my Austin Healy?

I haven't thought about that

for a long time.

Remember what we did in the car?

It's amazing we didn't

get into an accident.

Want to relive a fond memory?

Are you serious?

No!

Why not?

Because, that's why.

The kids are asleep.

Let's just wait until we get to a motel.

Okay, we'll wait.

I'll find the best one on the road.

Do you want to put your head in my lap?

It's not what I was thinking.

Let me adjust the steering wheel.

There you go, out of your way.

Comfortable?

Clark?

My head's stuck.

Quit kidding around! It hurts!

I'm not. It's stuck.

Cut it out!

I know what you're trying to do,

and I think it's sick!

The wheel's stuck, honey!

That was a dirty trick!

The damn wheel is all screwed up.

You're tired.

You get weird when you get tired.

Let's just find a motel.

I don't want you dozing off.

I'm not tired. Are you kidding?

I can drive for another 100 miles.

No problem.

"I stay at home at night

"By the phone at night

"But you don't call

"And I won't hurt my pride

"Call me Mister Blue

"I'm Mister Blue without you"

Sparky, why don't you turn off

the TV and come to bed?

Okay, honey.

Well, wake up everyone.

We're here.

Clark!

Can I do your back, honey?

I've done it already.

Can I do your front?

Go do your own front.

We should call

Catherine and Eddie...

...and tell them that we won't be in

until tomorrow afternoon.

If we're not there by 10:00 a. m.,

we'll be completely off schedule.

I planned very carefully...

...so that we would be

at Walley World early Saturday.

Sparky, I know what this trip

means to you...

...and that you want all of us

to have a great time, but...

...it is a long way to Walley World.

I think it would be easier on all of us

if you would just try to relax.

I'm way ahead of you, honey.

When did you get these glasses?

Oh, I have my little secrets.

What a nice thought.

Don't drink yet!

Ready?

I would like to propose a toast.

To a very restful vacation.

Here's to a very relaxing vacation.

To a renewed love affair.

To a time of joy with our kids.

You know, I've never told you this.

I know it's been a rough beginning.

I think there's something wrong here!

It's the bed.

It will slow down in a second.

I got it! Here, hold on to these.

What are you doing?

Let's try this, my darling.

We haven't done this in a long time.

Oh! Clark!

What's that noise?

What's going on?

Don't you kids knock anymore?

Sorry, we thought you were fighting.

No one is fighting in here.

It is very late.

Where is Mom?

I'm under here, kids.

Go back to bed.

Go back to bed now.

The bed was very soft.

Weirdo-rama!

It's the same street Wyatt Earp

kept law and order on.

It seems kind of dirty and touristy.

The Old West was dirty.

Everything isn't like home.

If it were, there would be no reason

for leaving home, right, Rusty?

Yeah, Dad. This is great.

I'm glad we didn't go to Hawaii.

I'll bet you are.

Okay, let's go get a drink.

Howdy, city slickers!

Welcome!

No fighting, cussing or gunslinging.

Watch what you say

to our bartender. He's ornery.

Thank you, sheriff.

Marshal.

Give me five, partner!

That guy was a crummy Wyatt Earp!

He's wearing jogging shoes!

Nah, they used to, Rusty.

Hey, knucklehead! Set us up

with four red-eyes, will you?

Hey, yellow-belly! I'm talking to you!

Hey, tenderfoot!

Move your chicken wings, turkey!

Clark! That's not nice!

It's part of the act, honey.

Hey, underpants!

I'm okay! I'm okay!

I'm all right!

That wasn't funny! A noise like that

could impair the kids' hearing.

It was real! It looked real, didn't it?

I thought it was real gun.

Didn't it look real when I fell down?

What?

Didn't it look real?

What?

Are you happy now, Clark?

She's deaf.

What's the difference? It was fun

anyway. Let's have a drink.

Pardon me, sir?

Catherine told us to follow 50.

I was thinking of taking

a detour to Liberal.

What for?

The House of Mud.

What's that?

The largest, freestanding

mud dwelling ever built!

The pioneers didn't have bricks,

so they used mud.

They didn't use mud, they used sod!

Right, Audrey.

When they ran out of sod,

they used mud!

Let's skip The House of Mud.

Dodge City was enough for today.

And Catherine and Eddie

are expecting us.

It's living history.

But, if you would rather visit

your cousins...

...it's okay with me.

I would rather see

a pile of mud than Eddie.

Stop it!

What's going on?

Rusty is licking his hand

and touching me with it!

Tell Rusty to behave himself.

Rusty, behave yourself!

But Audrey is eating candy and

smiling at me with her mouth open!

Audrey, eat with you mouth closed!

No eating in the car, kids!

You suck, you know that?

Retard!

I am trying to concentrate on the road!

"I've had some lonely nights

"And I'll admit I cried sometimes

"Cause you were out of my life

"But then you called my name

"And you came back again

"I feel so inspired

"Kissing your lips of fire

"Little boy sweet, little boy sweet,

"Sweet little boy of mine

"Come a little closer"

You're driving 80 miles an hour!

Doesn't seem that fast, honey?

Slow down!

I don't know why,

we're making good time.

"Love for sale

"Appetizing, yummy love... "

They're here! Eddie, come on!

I can't believe it's been so long!

Eddie, you look terrific.

Come and meet your cousins!

Look how they've grown!

You have lost weight, Catherine!

She's added a few more mouths

to the litter.

Rusty and Audrey,

cousins Vicki and Dale.

And this is Eddie Junior and Junior.

The little one hanging onto

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