Valiant Page #2

[coughing and groaning]

So, RHPS is recruiting?

Good idea. Right this way, mate.

I'm feeling rather patriotic myself

all of a sudden.

- There he is!

- Come on. After him!

Oi! Let's get going.

Come on. [whistling]

He's here somewhere.

I can smell him.

Follow my lead, mate.

Hello. Two to enlist, please.

Valiant Pigeon,

reporting for duty, sir.

- Never heard of you.

- Valiant Pigeon, yeah.

The Valiant Pigeon.

You don't have Valiant on your list?

- No.

- Whoo-hoo-hoo.

- Clerical error.

- Should I have?

Yes, I think you should have.

Look at him.

He's a perfect specimen.

Do something.

He's fast as lightning,

strong as an ox.

Very tall for his height.

Stand up there. Sit down.

Yeah... Oh, the bird's

a legend in the Struppen...

and Barkley Huntshire area.

Too small.

You should be "yea high,"

and you're not even "hey high."

That's charming, that is.

And you! [sniffing] Phooey!

Have you by any chance

heard of a birdbath?

Sad truth is,

I've got me a rare

feather condition, yeah.

Can't go near a bath.

I look at a bath, and it makes me itch.

Clear off, the pair of you.

Get lost.

Wing Commander Gutsy, he...

Yes. Wing Commander Gutsy.

That's right. Valiant's best mate.

They went to school together.

You don't want to get

on the wrong side of him.

If he hears about this, you are

gonna lose those stripes, mate.

You know Wing Commander Gutsy,

you say?

Well, uh, yeah.

Well, that makes a difference.

- Sign here.

- Oh, thank you.

Thank you, sir.

- There he is.

- You dirty rat!

- [squawking]

- When I get hold of you,

- I'm gonna knock your beak off.

- That's it.

- Pigeons only.

- Get your hands off me!

- I'm gonna get you. Go on.

- [Bugsy] Where do I sign up?

Just sign here.

Oh!

- All right, in you go.

- [Valiant] Thank you, sir.

- [whooping]

- Who is this Gutsy?

If I see your ugly face around here,

I'm gonna have you...

[groaning]

- We made it.

- Safe and sound.

We're in the Royal

Homing Pigeon Service!

The elite of the elite.

Fighting the heroic battle to save...

To save our tail feathers.

Which worked like a charm.

Even though I say so myself.

With that, I'll be hitting the skyway.

Cheers, mate. Good luck.

God bless. If you make it back

in one piece, be sure to, uh,

Iook me up...

Hello? Hello?

[chuckling]

Gents? Hello.

Hello?

[gasping] No! There's been

a terrible mistake!

Trust me. This is all

gonna work out brilliantly.

- Hey! Come on. Come back.

- [whistling]

[squawking]

I've been Shanghaied!

[military march plays]

Ah! Oh! Ah!

- [muttering]

- Sorry.

- Oh!

- [Valiant] Excuse me.

- Beg your pardon.

- That's a bit bright.

- [groaning]

- [gasping]

- Wow.

- [laughter]

[laughing]

- Whoa.

- Oh! [groaning]

Sorry about that, mate.

Didn't mean to hurt you,

little fella.

Hey! Little fella?

It's not the size

of your wingspan. No.

It's the size of your spirit.

- If you say so, mate.

- Can't argue with that.

Well, I'm Tailfeather.

This is Toughwood, my brother.

- Hi, yes?

- Not the sharpest beak on the block.

[laughing] He's not

the sharpest beak...

- What?

- But if you're ever in a scrum,

there's no better bird

to have on your team.

- Yeah, absolutely.

- Nice to meet you. I'm Valiant.

- Valiant. It's good to meet you.

- Let's go.

- It's two for the Tailfeather.

- Tailfeather takes it on.

- Ooh.

- [both grunting]

[chuckling]

Oh, dear. [sniffing] Ew.

For a quote, elite unit, unquote,

they seem to be letting in

anything with wings.

Including those flies

circling your bottom.

Oi, who do you think you are?

I am Lofty Thaddeus

Worthington Pigeon,

I come from a long and honorable line

of warrior pigeons.

Well, now, lads.

- I trust you've had a pleasant journey.

- [Lofty] Well...

I think I speak for all of us

when I say the ride was

a bit bumpy on the way in.

Maybe check the suspension

on that motorbike.

[Valiant] Actually,

we're all a bit thirsty.

If we could have some drinks,

that would be nice.

- Yup.

- [muttering]

Oh, of course.

That can certainly be arranged.

Right after I sprout feet feathers

and turn into a flamingo!

Now, fall in, featherbrains.

Fall... in!

I thought I'd seen it all.

For the next six weeks,

your tails belong to me.

You'll learn to march like birds,

fly like birds, and fight like birds.

I will make birds of you turkeys,

even if it kills you.

Except you.

You won't last a week.

Permission to die trying, sir.

Hmpf. It's like this, ladies.

You will shape up,

and you will shape up fast,

or I will personally

drum you out of the corps!

Funny you should...

I would love to get drummed out.

I was gonna bring it up

if you hadn't, so...

- Leave him alone. He helped me to...

- Pipe down, pipsqueak!

I'm more interested in having you

all drop and give me 50!

Courtesy of your short

little friend here.

[groaning]

[grunting]

Training at last.

[Lofty] I say, old bean,

wouldn't it be more sporting

if the chap who actually

committed the infraction... Ooh!

Gentlemen, welcome to

the Royal Homing Pigeon Service.

[growling]

For the last time,

what was your mission?

For the last time,

what was your mission?

And where are these

messages coming from?

- Ha!

- Very well.

Have it your way.

[laughing]

You want us to pluck out

his feathers?

And to clip his wings?

Hurt his feelings?

- [laughing]

- [Von Talon] No, no, no.

Worse. Much worse.

We have ways of making you squawk.

- [gasping]

- [music playing]

[yodeling]

What kind of birds are you?

[yodeling continues]

[screaming]

Must resist yodeling. [shouting]

# Rule, Britannia

# Britannia rules the waves

One, two, one, two.

And halt.

Now fall out and report

to the nursing dock.

- [gasping]

- Nurses!

- Whoa, look at her.

- Hello, nurse.

Well, I've been waiting for you.

Well, I've been waiting for you.

Do you have something for a brave pigeon

about to go into battle? Eh, darling?

It just so happens

I do have something for you.

Oh, did you hear that?

[whooping]

- Is this what you had in mind?

- [gasping]

- Ooh, it's awfully big.

- [giggling]

You're kind of short

for a nursing dove.

Look who's talking.

I'd say you're kind of short

for a carrier pigeon.

- I'm Valiant, by the way.

- All right, then, Valiant.

- I'm Victoria.

- Ooh.

I know you lads have had a tiring day.

What you need is a nice,

relaxing shower.

[screaming]

[screaming, groaning]

[laughing]

[Sarge] Then I'll treat you

to a fancy dinner.

[sneezing]

Mmm.

[belches]

- We'll get you a feather cut.

- [gasping]

Set you up with some uniforms.

Oh, beg your pardon.

- Did that hurt?

- Did that hurt?

That's it.

- Ah!

- [growling]

[muttering]

Then we'll all turn in

for a good night's sleep.

[gasping]

Ew.

So this is where the smelly, rotten

bits of disgusting refuse are dumped.

And our sleeping quarters

would be where?

[Tailfeather] I'll never sleep in here.

[whistling]

Oh, ho.

Well, this isn't so bad. Oh!

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