Vamp U

Sue... sue shells sea-sells

by the she-shore.

Toy boat, toy boyt, toy boyt, toy

boyt, toy boyt, toy boyt, toy boyt.

Unique New York, new-ique New York,

New York, new-ique 'nique nork.

My crotch fell.

Knocked over the crotch.

I should move this.

Petunia. Petunia.

Hey.

It's me, Tom Slansky, on what

could turn out to the be the

biggest night of my life.

"Why?" You ask.

Have you ever heard of...

D of...

vampires?

"No, no, Tom.

They're fake, the

things of fairy tales."

You, okay?

Sorry, mom, for the ""

a little bit about me... I'm a

sophomore at Hawthorne college.

I'm majoring in photography.

Uh, my favorite thing to

shoot is the female form.

But this story's not about me...

this is about Dr. G, the...

And guess what...

he's a vampire.

"Oh, a vampire that teaches history...

that's counterintuitive."

You again, man.

Once upon a time, Dr. G fell in love...

with a human named Mary.

Get a chamber!

No.

But then, this one time in

Mary's bedchamber, they were in

there, and it was getting late,

but they didn't care, and they

were all over each other.

And then the sun went

down, and he bit her.

Aah!

He killed the love of his life.

Everyone was pissed.

Her family didn't even let

him come to the funeral...

Just 'cause he killed her.

Good thing he's a genius and

dressed up like friar tuck and

snuck in to see her.

Thief!

Gretzky!

I never meant to hurt her.

The devil himself disguised

as a man of the cloth.

Don't be a fool, Gregor.

Ohh!

You'll rot in hell,

Wayne Gretzky.

You'll rot in hell!

I'm already there.

He just kicked Gregor's ass,

but did you notice that his

teeth didn't grow?

Ever since Mary died,

his teeth went limp.

Goodbye, Mary.

So, for the last 300 years,

Dr. G has been wandering the

earth with his flaccid fangs,

surviving on nothing more

than animal blood... that

is, until a few months ago.

You know, vampire impotence is just

another facet of human impotence.

I am not impotent.

Your teeth won't grow.

What would you call it?

I just think the

comparison may be useful.

Well, in what way?

Well, your impotence began when

you killed the love of your life.

Sorry, Herman.

Ooh. Bleeder.

Say "hello" to Mary.

No, it's not uncommon for a

murderer to become impotent...

Because it's usually... my God.

What is up your butt, Wayne?

You know, maybe this whole

thing would work better if we

were just friends.

Better for who?

Not for you... you

need help, my friend.

I know, but no one has

experience with this stuff.

I have experience with people, and

you look just like a person to me.

Only, if I do my job right,

we're gonna have you looking

more like a demon.

We don't look like demons.

On "Buffy," you do.

In real life, we don't.

Well I'm still learning.

There's not a lot of hard

evidence on your breed.

The only reference I have

is pop culture, okay?

But, in any case, I'm, uh,

I'm glad you trust me.

I am, too.

So, who's Chris' advisor?

Dr. Levine, I think.

But he smells

like homemade bread.

Ugh!

Look, we caught

a largemouth ass.

Ohh!

More like a largemouth dick.

What?

Fred, where's your girlfriend?

She's not my girlfriend.

Just admit...

she doesn't exist.

And when the sun goes

down, you guys get gay.

Just admit that you smell

like sh*t a-all day long.

What?

Ghost-penning songs for

big-hair aristocrats

now she lies in a

plush, velvet bed

shaped like a coffin

and filled with bats

I think I'm just

gonna wait in the car.

I'm smitten and...

I'm sorry.

I forgot my hat.

Oh, you're such a b*tch!

Chris.

No, Ted.

Night blooming

and she bites through necks...

She's right.

...like Ginsu

a sweet, sweet heartkiller

No, no, no, no.

There's... there's nothing wrong

with a freshman being undeclared.

It's difficult to know what you

want to do with the rest of your

life when you're only 18.

I'm 19.

Oh. Were you held back?

What's that supposed to mean?

Why would you say that?

Yes?

Ah, speak of the vampire.

Speak of the devil.

He's not a vampire.

Um, I've been

reading "twilight."

All I can think

about is vampires.

That was not... Gretzkys, uh...

he's not a vampire.

He's a hell of a

history teacher.

He seemed a bit scared.

He was... But in a good way.

The students just love him.

Uh, apparently those vampires

can have sex all night long.

How do you like

that Edward, hmm?

I don't read that sh*t.

Chris, please.

What, dad?

This is college.

You can say "sh*t" here.

That's right, Ted.

Some of our professors use the

word "sh*t" in their lectures.

Well, they shouldn't.

You're right...

they shouldn't.

I'll look into that.

Enough said.

I just think you should

loosen up a little bit, dad.

It's just...

it's the language.

I know, but it's college, dad...

college.

Uh.

Fred!

Hey, hey, Chris.

Hey, hey!

Hi.

Hi!

Beautiful.

Hey, I like your hair.

I cut it.

Yeah, it looks good.

Not good enough.

Uh, Mr. Keller.

Fred, please.

Sorry... Ted.

Uh, guys, uh, this is Chris

and her father, Ted.

Uh, these are my

fraternity brothers.

This is Jared.

Boom.

- And this is Kyle...

- Hey.

Knuckles.

And Tom.

Hey.

Wow. Great to meet

you guys, really.

Uh, I got to go, honey, so...

Okay. Mwah!

Mwah!

Mm!

Fred, take care of

my little girl, okay?

I will do her.

Uh, I'll... I-I-I will do it.

I'll take... I'll

take care of her.

So, Chris, are you

pledging with anyone?

Yeah, with, uh, kappa omicron.

Kappa Os are the biggest hos!

Unh!

Unh!

Well, which ones are

you guys in, again?

We're STDs.

STDs, gonna give

you the disease.

We're sigma tau delta.

Hey, it's the great one.

Why does he have an umbrella?

He's got a skin disease,

and he's cool as sh*t.

That's Dr. Gretzky.

Oh, that's him?

Yeah, he teaches history.

Remember, I tried to get

you to take that class?

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

I-I mean, I guess I'll add it.

Yeah, my advisor said

everybody loves him.

He's awesome.

Your advisor talked about him?

Yeah, you know, he walked into

my advisor's office, and he

goes, "speak of the vampire."

"Speak of the vampire"?

This is history 205.

I'm your Professor, Dr. Gretzky.

Who's here to add the class?

I must be popular.

Professor Gretzky, I'm sure you

get this all the time, but

were you named after

Wayne Gretzky?

I was named Wayne Gretzky

long before Wayne Gretzky was

named Wayne Gretzky.

I'm pretty sure

he's older than you.

He's like 50.

I'm not named after him.

He wishes.

Wayne Gretzky wasn't even

in the NHL when I was born.

Hasn't anyone ever heard

of a coincidence?!

It's okay, Tom.

Sorry, Dr. G.

It's all right.

We're going to cover

coincidences in history.

You know, you really upset

your daughter today.

I'm not gonna change my

beliefs just because it's her

first day of college.

You know, I've been meaning

to ask you about that.

You know Ron from whole foods...

well, he grew up Amish, and he

said the Amish have no problem

with being out in the sun.

And he has mirrors in his house.

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