Vamp U Page #2

Yeah, well, we don't

like being photographed.

You go to mass.

My mother was catholic.

Mary, I don't

believe you're Amish.

I gave up believing

that years ago.

Well, what do you think I am?

I don't care.

I always just wrote it off as

slight neuroses... might be

easier just to let it slide.

You know what?

If you're not careful, you're

gonna lose your relationship

with your daughter.

Ted, there are things about

me that I just can't change

and that I don't

like to talk about.

I would think you

should understand that.

What's that supposed to mean?

When was the last time you

wanted to make love to me?

That's not fair.

Don't worry.

I just chalk it up

to slight neuroses.

So, he cuts the guy's arm

off, but he doesn't beat him

with it... he slaps him

with his own hand.

Genghis really did have a

wonderful sense of humor.

I mean, he would... he actually

would laugh the most during the

physical act of love.

I remember one time when I was...

when somebody wrote down,

um, that he was entertaining a woman

with a leg-length discrepancy.

As he pulled the boot off the short

leg, he just starts to laugh.

All the men in the neighboring

caves start to laugh.

When we all look... they all

look up, and they see Genghis

wearing the short-leg boot.

"Unh."

Oh, man, I miss him.

I mean, uh, you know, I miss...

I miss reading about him.

Well, can't you

still read about him?

Um, yeah.

Yeah, I could... could.

But, um, it... it

wouldn't be the same.

It wouldn't be as fun.

As fun as what?

Is this going to be on a test?

Yes, everything I say is

gonna be on the test.

I'm kidding.

It's not gonna be on the test.

But it's history.

That's right, Tom

...It's history.

I meant to tell you... I, um, I

really enjoyed your paper last

semester about, uh,

impotence among murderers.

Thank you.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

I actually learned a lot.

You did?

Well, not about

myself, of course.

I-I'll see you Tuesday.

Sure.

Okay. Bye.

Bye.

Hi.

Hi.

"Speak of the vampire"?

I apologize.

I was flustered.

I had just insulted a student.

I said what came to my mind.

What happened to

doctor/patient privilege?

I know, but, come on, like

anyone would ever believe it.

We'll talk about this later.

I got to get to class.

How fast can you run the 40?

What are you talking about?

If I were a vampire,

I'd be in the NFL.

You'd make a hell

of a free safety.

I can't believe Lorianne wants

to do a blood drive again.

I mean, I want to do something

different, like maybe a plasma drive.

Well, what's a plasma drive?

Chris, you are like the

coolest b*tch I know.

I mean, you are not

afraid to ask questions.

Hey, Fred.

Hey, Chris.

Hey, have you met the...

Oh, hey, you guys, look...

it's the great one.

What was that about?

I couldn't control it.

I mean, it was the

same way with Mary.

I could control myself during the

day, but as soon as that sun

- went down...

- Then all bets were off.

Ohh.

couple of sessions with me...

Well, you're not cured,

but, hey, come on.

I mean, w-who is she?

I'll tell you who she is...

she is your vampire Viagra.

She is?

And I am your four-hour

erection, baby...

You know, until we get, uh,

you vamping out on your own.

I mean, it w-wasn't

a full vamp out.

I mean, my teeth just barely

are starting to tingle.

Oh, tingle, schmingle.

I mean, if you would have stayed

around here a while longer, you

would have had this whole

school scared shitless.

Oh, man, she

looked just like her.

Doesn't surprise me.

Really?

Yeah, there... there are only so

many available faces in this world.

You were bound into

run into hers again.

I once treated a young woman who

was the spitting image of my

second wife... I mean,

it was head to toe.

It... Almost cost

me my APA license.

But... She was worth it, and

so is this juicy peach.

Oh, it's weird not seeing

you and Tom together.

Oh, yeah, well, he has barbershop

at night, so didn't work out.

That's too bad.

Yeah.

Hey, uh, I wanted to ask you...

when you came in the building, I

thought you... you fell down.

Oh, yeah, that... that was,

um, like a hundred bees.

Oh.

Okay, well, I'm glad

you're all right.

I mean, you seemed pretty panicked, so...

I just hate bees.

Hey.

Professor Gretzky?

Yes.

Who are you?

I'm Chris Keller.

Um, I'm not on your roll,

but I was wondering...

Mm, yes, you want

to clad my ass.

You want to, um, add my class.

Uh, yeah.

Would that be all right?

Yes, of course.

I was, uh... Mnh.

Excuse me.

Um, I just found out

that my mother died.

Um.

Class dismissed.

Oh. Ah.

Poor guy's hysterical.

Yeah.

Dr. G.

What?

What?

Whoa.

Your breath is hot.

Oh! Oh!

You're gay.

Gay?

Oh! Aah.

Ugh.

I've seen the light in my dark,

sitting alone in the park

the stillness of the breeze...

Poor Barry.

Poor big, gay Barry.

Hey!

Got one for you!

...'cause you're much

more important than them

So, yeah, I think once she

gets into her classes, like,

she'll have more time to

focus on other stuff.

Like, I really hope she

gets into Dr. Gs class.

- I think...

- Speak of the vampire!

Hey, Chris told us

what Dr. Levine said.

Oh.

What a d-bag.

Yeah, isn't he?

No, he's cool, though...

And sh*t.

Whoa, Dr. G.

I didn't know you cussed.

Well, you know,

I don't usually.

It sounded really good.

Hey, uh, are you

...Are you okay?

Oh, yeah.

What do you mean?

Oh, I mean your mom

...She passed away.

Oh, yeah.

Pfft, no biggie.

I mean, well, she's been dead for years...

well, she's been

dying for years, so I was ready.

You just seemed really upset

when you went out of class.

Yeah. I didn't want them

to harvest her organs.

Hey, uh, my friend Chris... she

really wants to add your class.

Chris Keller?

Yeah, yeah.

Uh, she's... she's smart.

She's... well, not book-smart.

She's nice.

She's... I think you're really,

really gonna like her... and not

in a sexual way,

just a normal way.

Yes.

Yes. No.

No sexy sex.

Ah. So, I'm gonna go prepare...

prepare for my students...

not in a sexual

way... for class.

So... I'm gonna go.

I will see you two later...

Sexually.

No sexy sex!

Barry, when I accidentally

killed you that night

I wasn't quite myself

I wasn't quite...

Come in.

Hello?

Wayne!

Aah! Oh!

You got me.

I'm... I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry.

I-I meant to, um... well, I

meant to say "ta-da" when I-I

jumped into the room, but

I-I said your name instead.

Oh.

Yeah.

Hey, too bad my

name's not "ta-da."

Yeah. Actually, well, I guess

you'd better be on your way.

I mean, you know, well, after...

after a quick, brief, but

enjoyable minute or two.

And then... I'm sorry.

I don't mean to be rude, but I

have to, uh, prepare for class.

My God, you're beautiful...

Today, just as ever.

What?

Um. Brain fart!

No, but what did you say?

I said, "brain fart!"

No.

Before that.

Um... I don't think

I said anything.

Mm.

Oh, um, I-I grabbed it for you

after you ran out of class.

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