Vampires Suck

What would you do to save someone you love?

For Edward, I would stop at nothing.

What is he doing?

- Edward!!!

Edward? Where?

Oh My God! There he is! Edward, I really you! You're the best!

Oh My God! There he is! Edward, I really you! You're the best!

No, Jacob's the best!

[SPF 500 Sunscreen Lotion

Prevents vampire from bursting into flames.]

[True Blood 40]

He's exposing himself!

No!

Edward!!!

Let me start from the beginning.

I used to live with my mom in Phoenix.

Now she is always on the road, since she started doing some pro golfer.

So I came here to the foggy town of Sporks, Washington.

Population, 3120.

Holy Sh*t!

Make that 3119.

Anyway, I came here to live with my dad, Frank.

He's the chief of police.

I havent seen you in a while, your hair is longer.

I err, I grow it out.

I guess it's hard for me to accept my girls growing up.

I mean look at the size of those tits

- Dad!

[Bite Me Mix, I Hate Life Mix]

[Loathe Ya Mix, Teen Angst Mix]

[The Club:
Tonight Only. Vampire Weekend]

There's something strange about this town.

[Family Dentist. Brighter Bites. 1810]

Couldnt put my finger on it.

[Will work for blood]

-[Hissing]

I, used to stay here almost every winter, but it's been years.

I, I kept your room the same as since you left me.

Great!

- Remember your hamster, Herman?

Buddy must have missed a couple feedings

Do you still play with your doll?

- Uh, I dont think so.

What's that?

It's been lonely since your mom left.

Well, come downstairs. Some people are excited to see you.

Who wants a batsy? Good girl~

Dad, I'm a teenager.

- Right

I guess I better watch out some of the steps then.

Frank didnt get me, I was'nt his little girl anymore.

Hey, you remember Bobby right?

- Yeah. You're looking good.

Good? I'm in a wheelchair, I can not feel anything below my waist.

You know what's below the waist? My penis.

-I'm s-sorry.

- We're all glad you're here.

Especially your dad. He wouldnt shut up about ya.

Careful there Bob, or I got to roll you down the hill.

Oh boy, I'm not scared. Bring it on.

-Hahaha

Oh here we go. We're going somewhere.

Oh oh

-Err hi, I'm Jacob.

- Hi

We err, we used to play together. Play doctor?

Oh, right right. I, I remember now. I gave you a prostate exam.

So, are we gonna be at the same school?

- Oh I go to school on reservation.

It must be fun to drink and gamble all day.

Too bad we're not gonna be at school together.

It would be nice to know 1 person.

Got your welcome home present. What do you think?

Erm, to think that you're trying to buy my affection

with that piece of sh*t truck

to make up for all the years in which

you have neglected me as a father...

Told you she'd like it.

It's cool.

-I fixed the engine myself.

Thanks, Jacob.

-Go ahead, hop in.

Okay, see you got to pump the gas to start her up. Damn fleas!

Jacob, your.. foot ?

It's all this puberty, I've been feeling... different.

Excuse me, I gotta take a leak

It guess, my body is just going through some changes.

Cat!!!

[High School Sporksa, Home of the Bloodsuckers]

[Sad Misunderstood New Student With Crappy Old Truck Parking Only]

The first day of school, in the middle of the year being the new kid has never been easy!

Nice clothes, still shopping in the boys section

Give her a break, that's what i used to wear when i was still a virgin.

Where'd you get that haircut, Fantastic Lesbian?

[Kick me!]

Hey, new kid!

Hi, I'm Derek. . - Rebecca.

I'm the eyes and ears of this place. I can hook you up with whatever you need.

Cheat sheet, adult porno, harvested organ?

Er no, thanks.

Oh, I get it. You're one of those antisocial long suffering loner type.

Actually I'm more of the humorous type, kinda sarcastic all those insecurity with no great personality

yet every hot guys find me irresistable

You must be Becca? I'm Rick. . Damn girl, you seem really boring and frigid

You want to go to Prom with me?

You see? . - I'm Jennifer.

The future prom queen. I'm gonna pretend to be your bff

But if you touch Rick I'll cut you.

Who are they?

Oh, those are the Sullens, they're all like adopted by Doctor Carlton, so they're

not biologically related, but they're really, really close.

They moved here a few years ago, and they're like, super weird. It's a total mystery.

Their skin is ice cold, they feed on human flesh and they all sleep in coffins.

Maybe they're Canadians?

And, Who's that? - Sneki, Kitty, Nemanja ...

No, the douchebag in short

... He's really pale, with big hair and veal view.

Edward Sullen. . He's a real hotty.

But, evidently, no one here is worthy.

He wont even accept me as his facebook friend.

Favourite activity, searching for soul which has been cast into eternal damnation?

Ooh, you guys are having like an instant connection.

What are you talking about..

- Duh~, hardwick 101, you both are

Staring at each other in slow motion

which although cheesy and obvious, it underscores your respective yearnings.

Oh... right..

Beck, why not take the empty seat next to that mysterious boy

you're destined to have a fatalistic relationship, which that will

spawn 4 books and a movie franchise.

What, it smell..

-Like sourcrum

Lunch

I'm Becca. . - I'm Edward.

So, you're new to Sporks. . How do you like the weather?

I do not like cold and wet things.

So must certainly hate frappe.

I'm just trying to figure you out.

Alright class, turn to page 63 in your book.

[Vampire Diary]

This is biology. Why are we reading Vampire Diaries?

In the 80s, Coke's all the rage. In the 90s, grunge

Now is era of vampires. It's just super trendy!

That's uh, amazing.

Oh, Hi.

Why are'nt you wearing a shirt?

-I work part time at Abercrombie & Fish...

It's always the same with the questions,

Who are you? . Why are you doing this?

The carpet's dont match the drape, yeah...

That's hot.

I've got a serious case of the muchies,

I think you know what I need to eat.

Cheetos?

What about ...

- What?

The killing!

Oh, right! My wrong.

You know who we are dont you?

Yes! You look like B.E.P.

Oh, come on, not again? . Why does everyone always think

that we're the "Black Eyed Peas" . I mean her... I get it...

I get it...

She looks just like Fergie , . and he looks like Will.I.Am, but, Jesus christ!

They dont even have a white guy in their band.

He hit me! . - That's right.

Mixed martial arts, tae bo and yoga classes created this.

How do you like that, pink boy.

Help me, help me. - Coming elbow!

Son of a b*tch! . - I am not afraid of you!

You should be!

Damn that overlook! . I'm quite a teenager love!

I could not stop thinking about Edward Sullen.

No mortal could have the strength to do that,

or posses such amazing dexterity.

He can't be human.

Meanwhile out town Bolero . was getting cozy with Nate, who is secretly

having a crush with Serena.

I'm sorry, but you're interrupting my narration. .

- Oh Sh*t, wrong show.

XOXO, gossip girl.

I heard about the accident. . Are you okay?

I'm... fine.

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