Vampires Suck Page #2

- I brought you this.

[Please, be a mother of my childrens!

Thanks Jacob. You're so sweet and thoughtful

Any girl would be lucky to have you

It's not me of course. . You're like my little baby brother.

I heard you're hanging out with Edward Sullen. Stay away from him.

It's just something really wrong with that guy.

I better go.

Hey sweetheart, there you are.

There was a killing today . Fisherman Scully, near the docks.

blood is drained from his body and multiple bites wound on his neck.

You know what that means? The Cardashian's in town.

I want you to have this.

- Mace?

You're my little girl, and there's a killer onthe loose.

I'm not gonna leave until I know you can protect yourself.

Now, I'm gonna come at you. I want you to mace me.

!?

- Honey, I'm trained for this.

Ow god damn it. It's so painful, it burns!

I'm sorry, Dad. . - No no, I'm proud of you.

You all right? . - Mace will only temporarily

stop the attackers. You have to hit a man where he breathes, Becca.

You got quite a kick there. . Good for you!

But still I'm coming at you. Rip off the mustache.

But you love your mustache.

- If anything happens to you.

I could not live with myself . Do it! Do it!

You're Ready to go.

Am I dreaming? . - Right, you're dreaming.

So, you're not really here . - Exactly. Back to sleep.

Becca, you're sleep walking.

You're sleep walking!

Just your breathing, is the greatest gift you can give me.

I started to wonder, maybe I wasnt dreaming afterall.

I had to figure out..

Is Edward Sullen a human, or something different entirely.

Oh snap, he left his business card.

[Edward Sullen Vampire Extraordinare

"Once You Go Bat, You Never Go Back!']

Good Morning, Sporks High School

Tickets are now on sale for the prom

And after school today dont forget the blood

drive

generously sponsored by the Sullen family.

Come to the prom! Prom is here!

Here get your flyer for prom

Check it out, we finally got a theme. It's gonna be awesome.

The theme is Vampires... - We just came out with it randomly.

Cool, huh?

It gonna be like the Festival of St. Salvatore like they have in Italy every year,

that celebrate the killing of vampires

They gonna rent out a whole courtyard and

it will be as if we were in the 15th century.

It will be super fun, a lot of red capes, a lot of blood and drinking.

Are you in?

-I dont know. Proms not really my thing.

Well it's my thing! I mean,really Becca what is with you?

Prom is like the pivotal moment in any girl's life and

I have only

been dreaming of being Prom queen

since I was a sperm in my Dad's boxer!

We need to talk.

Your skin is really white, you dress fashionably

and you're obscene from sex. I know what you are!

Say it, outloud. Say it.

"Jonas Brothers ".

- That's right!

Wait, what? No, I'm a vampire. Duh..

It was my next guess

- Then ask yourself

the most obvious question. What do we like to eat?

Vampire cereals?

You need to see what I really look like

This is why we dont show ourselves in the summer

People would know we're different.

-Oh yeah, shining..

-Nah, it's just my body.

You dont get it, I'm a killer!

-Are you texting?

- Yeah, Jennifer!

[OMG-EDWARD IS SO YUMMY!]

[Text to:
Jennifer]

I am one of the most dangerous predators.

I want to eat you.

-That's cool.

Most guys are into that.

My family ... We are not like other vampires.

We can control our thirst. To hunt only animals and the real housewives in Atlanta.

But I dont know if I can control myself around you.

Look...

I, I dont like to play games. So ...

I'm just gonna lay all my cards on the table. I really, like you.

I dig that eurotrash heroin chic look. You're totally happening.

I want to be with you.

- I can read everyone's mind..

but not yours. You'll have to tell me exactly what you thinking.

You're pretty so you dont have to be smart.

- Will you like to go Prom with me?

-Yes

-That's awesome

The three things I was absolutely positive about. First,

Edward is a vampire. Second, American Idol is much better with Ellen

and third, the next time I saw Edward, I was gonna hump the sh*t out of him.

-Boo.

Oh. Oh god, you scared me.

-There is something that I wanted to try.

-Me too, I love roleplaying.

Thats, ehm, that's not what I meant.

Dont move.

Kiss me already. I know it'll be okay.

That was amazing~ I never got to first base before.

No, let's go all the way.

Ring, ring.

I might not be able to resist the urges... to kill you.

-I dont mind.

- What?

Oh.. Oh yeah, I like it rough.

Stay away from me. No, please please, dont come any closer.

This is for your own safety. I'm trying to protect you.

If this is gonna work, we got to take thing slowly

I guess that's ok, eventhough my teenage hormon are raging and I want

to have sex with you. I feel conflicted about

losing my virginity. I know that you'd never have sex with me

because you're a vampires ...

so, it's really are the ultimate pubescent girl's fantasy

-That was incredibly insightful

- Huh, I read it on Stephanie Meyers Twitter page

I promise, as long as you're with me, . you will never get hurt.

Starting now.

Oh, sh*t! I think we all know whatever kill Fisherman Sculley was no animal.

Look at those traces. This can only mean one thing.

Immigrants. Damn bordercrossers. They come here and take

all the shity job us lazy Americans dont want, and now

they kill our fishermen too.

-Yea.. Frank, I think you're missing the big picture.

That is a big picture.

It is my eighteenth birthday.

And.. the sullens are throwing me a party.

This is home.

Hey.. there is no reason to be nervous.

I am different than you. They might not accept me.

It's like the time with my ex-boyfriend, Sean, invited me to

grandmama's house to celebrate Kwanza.

I want you to meet my family.

- You must be Becca.

I'm Edward's mom, Eden. We've heard so much about you.

Fingerfood?

That's Alex and Rosalyn.

I just know we're gonna be great great friends.

- This is Iris.

-I hope we will be.

- No, she already knows that it will happen.

Some of us have special powers. Iris has visions of the future.

-I'm not on my period

- You will be. It's coming early this month.

Relax, Becca. We're just like any normal American family

Except of course we have no soul and

we walk the earth trying to satisfy

unquenchable thirst for blood.

-I'm Jeremiah.

-He's new to the family.

He's still trying to control his hunger for human.

Look, I dont want to cause any problems. Maybe I should go.

- But you have to open your presents.

Papercut.

You're bleeding.

Yea, really bad. I hit an artery.

Look at your nose.

Yeah I knew I shouldnt have party last night

with Lindsay Lohan.

Every time I bring a girl, you guys try to eat her!

-It's unfair!

- Come on!

Someone here ordered Chinese food?

Quick, they'll be hungry again in half an hour.

What happened back there could never happen again.

I now know as long as I'm around you, you'll never be safe.

That's why I want you to bite me...

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