Vamps

Hello, my name is Goody,

and in 1841, I was bitten

by a stem vampire.

A stem is able to awaken

the victims

they choose not to drain.

Normally, this would be

one of those tales

of gore and homicidal urges,

but I've always looked

on the bright side.

So I learned to live

on animal blood.

And having eternal life

gave me extra years

with my loved ones.

Nighttime used to be

dull and dark,

but things got a lot better

in the '80s.

Oh, the 1880s, that is.

The Industrial Revolution

gave us electricity

and light bulbs.

And suddenly, nights were

as bright as daytime.

Telephones replaced letters,

and the new subways let

you travel the whole city

and still be in your coffin

by sunrise.

In the 1920s,

things really turned modern.

Skirts got shorter,

jazz babies and flappers

owned the night.

The world belonged

to the young,

and I was an expert

at being young.

And then came

my favorite invention...

flickers.

Chaplin, Keaton,

Cagney...

and in movies,

they never got any older.

I could relate.

In the 1960s, I messed up.

I let my guard down

and I stupidly let myself

fall in love.

After that, things started

to go downhill.

In the '70s, I kinda lost

interest in dating.

But in the '90s,

my stem turned Stacy.

She was kind of lost

and I took care of her.

I taught her to get hometown

soil for her coffin,

how to use

hypnotic powers,

and how to find the jugular

on a rodent.

And she taught

me about e-mail,

Napster,

and this great group,

Green Day.

So we have lots of fun.

We party with normal kids,

we go to college.

I've got over 10,000 credits.

I could graduate if

it wasn't during the day.

I love having a friend,

or "bestie," as she calls it.

And, aw,

look how cute she is.

- Hey, Goody.

- Goody, wake up. It's sunset.

The only bad thing about Stacy

are her practical jokes,

which she thinks are way funnier

than they actually are.

What?

No, you didn't.

Come on, let me out.

- You got me

- Again.

Hurry, I've got an 8:00 class.

Hey, Stacy.

Your friend from Boston

sent your hometown soil.

Oh, thank God.

I hardly have any left.

My back has been killing me.

"We're sorry but

your package has

accidentally been

harmed in delivery."

I think the Post Office

x-rays everything now,

and this looked suspicious

so they opened it.

But this is just dirt.

Yeah, but you know

Homeland Security.

Man, the terrorists ruined

things for everybody.

why do they call it visiting?

Isn't it more like "type us

a letter on the computer"?

Visiting is when

you go somewhere.

Yeah, you're at one place

on the Internet,

and then

you go someplace else.

- That doesn't make any sense.

- Yes, it does.

So if you're reading a book

and you turn the page,

are you visiting

another page?

Hold on.

You still can't find your mouth

- without a mirror?

- Thank you.

Sunrise is at 6:
40.

You know, I put that app

in your phone.

You don't need the almanac.

I like my almanac.

What's with the mom jeans?

- Jeans are jeans.

- Are you kidding?

Jeans mark your age

more than a birth certificate.

Trade shoes.

At least my gladiators

will get you in

the right millennium.

- Those are cute.

- Race you.

Oh!

- Took you long enough.

- Well, that didn't count.

- These aren't my shoes.

- Excuses, excuses.

Oh, for goodness' sake.

- What time does your class end?

- 9:
30.

Okay, then I'll meet

you at work.

Oh, God.

Where are you going?

Come back here.

- Goody!

Cradle of Filth, Ozzy Osbourne,

The Cure...

Ooh, where?

Oh, no. It's one of those

daytime festival things.

Whose idiot idea was it

to have rock concerts

during the day?

Mmm.

Let's check the traps.

Ugh, rats will eat anything.

Oh, dead one.

Oh, trap got him?

I think the artificial

sweeteners gave him cancer.

And 6th Avenue.

- Penthouse suite.

- We're being summoned.

Ask me questions.

Who's the stupidest person on TV?

- Uh, Snooki!

- Oh, yes. You're right.

Who's the smartest?

- Um, House or Frylock?

- Who?

The limping doctor

or the flying French fry.

- Okay, 53rd Street.

Don't you love

Times Square?

It feels like the center

of the world.

I feel like a bunch of TVs

threw up.

Take a cab.

What are you, walking?

Okay, okay.

We're coming.

What kind of mood

is she in?

- I've seen worse.

- Has she finished feeding?

Because we don't want

to be around any of that.

Where are my offshoots?

There they are.

Look at the new fall line.

Gaultier, Prada.

Dries.

And I can never see how

I look in them.

What is the point

of looking like this

if I can never enjoy it?

Hmm?

- Oh, sucks hard.

- Not so nice.

So put them on and then

I will just imagine

how much better

they will look on me.

Ivan, call Mr. Pizza Guy.

I thought

we were going out.

I feel like a pizza guy.

Oh, come on.

Those clothes are wearing you.

Give it some juice.

- I don't know about this one.

- Why not?

It's just not for young people.

Excuse me?

Are you telling me

about being young?

Do you have any idea

how long I have been young?

She just means that,

with the recession and all,

girls of a certain age couldn't

afford something like this.

Plus, it's fur.

It's like wearing a dead animal.

Okay, here's the flaw

in that argument.

Why should the life of a mink

be more valuable than

the life of a pigeon?

You two drink pigeons

every day.

We set them free.

- Stacy got attached.

- To pigeons?

You know what?

We never should've named them.

I know, you're so right.

I mean, how can you hurt

something named Snuggles?

- Or Mr. Doodles?

- Do you remember...

You're pathetic.

Pizza guy.

Pizza guy.

Who ordered the double cheese

and sausage?

You're late.

They said

You kept me waiting,

you bad boy.

Sorry.

You know what happens

to bad boys.

I hate when she's in town.

- It's disgusting.

- I know.

But let's just have

a good time.

- Come on, we deserve it.

- Taxi!

Besides, it's goth night.

And all the day players

always dress up so cute.

We're the oldest ones here.

Except for this schmo hawk.

- Can I buy you ladies a drink?

- We never drink...

mojitos.

Maybe you should court

someone your own age.

- Oh, did you see that cute one?

- Mm-hmm.

- Hey.

- Hey, Renfield.

Adam Ant called.

He wants his makeup back.

Oh, come on. Awaken me.

I wanna live forever.

Then you should try

eating more broccoli.

No, I don't want to eat more

broccoli. I want to be undead.

You are undead.

You're alive.

Yeah, stop imagining

crazy ideas.

No.

What?

- Stuck-up McVainypants is here.

So what?

Just ignore him.

Show him how much fun

you're having.

What? No!

No pictures.

Wh... then take me.

Come on.

Let's just go dance.

Isn't this place

a little Mickey Mouse for you?

There is Donor Club

in Chinatown.

I don't know what

you're talking about.

I think I can sense

a real vampire.

Vampire?

That word is so cornball.

And anyone

who says "cornball"

is at least 80 years old.

Okay.

I just don't appreciate

being called the V-word.

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