Vamps
Hello, my name is Goody,
and in 1841, I was bitten
by a stem vampire.
A stem is able to awaken
the victims
they choose not to drain.
Normally, this would be
one of those tales
of gore and homicidal urges,
but I've always looked
on the bright side.
So I learned to live
on animal blood.
gave me extra years
with my loved ones.
Nighttime used to be
dull and dark,
but things got a lot better
in the '80s.
Oh, the 1880s, that is.
The Industrial Revolution
gave us electricity
and light bulbs.
And suddenly, nights were
as bright as daytime.
Telephones replaced letters,
and the new subways let
and still be in your coffin
by sunrise.
In the 1920s,
Skirts got shorter,
jazz babies and flappers
owned the night.
The world belonged
to the young,
and I was an expert
at being young.
And then came
my favorite invention...
flickers.
Chaplin, Keaton,
Cagney...
and in movies,
they never got any older.
I could relate.
In the 1960s, I messed up.
I let my guard down
and I stupidly let myself
fall in love.
After that, things started
to go downhill.
In the '70s, I kinda lost
interest in dating.
But in the '90s,
my stem turned Stacy.
She was kind of lost
and I took care of her.
I taught her to get hometown
soil for her coffin,
how to use
hypnotic powers,
and how to find the jugular
on a rodent.
And she taught
me about e-mail,
Napster,
and this great group,
Green Day.
So we have lots of fun.
we go to college.
I've got over 10,000 credits.
it wasn't during the day.
I love having a friend,
or "bestie," as she calls it.
And, aw,
look how cute she is.
- Hey, Goody.
- Goody, wake up. It's sunset.
The only bad thing about Stacy
are her practical jokes,
which she thinks are way funnier
than they actually are.
What?
No, you didn't.
Come on, let me out.
- You got me
- Again.
Hurry, I've got an 8:00 class.
Hey, Stacy.
Your friend from Boston
sent your hometown soil.
Oh, thank God.
I hardly have any left.
My back has been killing me.
"We're sorry but
your package has
accidentally been
harmed in delivery."
I think the Post Office
x-rays everything now,
and this looked suspicious
so they opened it.
But this is just dirt.
Yeah, but you know
Homeland Security.
Man, the terrorists ruined
things for everybody.
why do they call it visiting?
Isn't it more like "type us
a letter on the computer"?
Visiting is when
you go somewhere.
Yeah, you're at one place
on the Internet,
and then
you go someplace else.
- That doesn't make any sense.
- Yes, it does.
So if you're reading a book
and you turn the page,
are you visiting
another page?
Hold on.
You still can't find your mouth
- without a mirror?
- Thank you.
Sunrise is at 6:
40.You know, I put that app
in your phone.
You don't need the almanac.
I like my almanac.
What's with the mom jeans?
- Jeans are jeans.
- Are you kidding?
Jeans mark your age
more than a birth certificate.
Trade shoes.
At least my gladiators
will get you in
the right millennium.
- Those are cute.
- Race you.
Oh!
- Took you long enough.
- Well, that didn't count.
- These aren't my shoes.
- Excuses, excuses.
Oh, for goodness' sake.
- What time does your class end?
- 9:
30.Okay, then I'll meet
you at work.
Oh, God.
Where are you going?
Come back here.
- Goody!
Cradle of Filth, Ozzy Osbourne,
The Cure...
Ooh, where?
Oh, no. It's one of those
daytime festival things.
Whose idiot idea was it
to have rock concerts
during the day?
Mmm.
Let's check the traps.
Ugh, rats will eat anything.
Oh, dead one.
Oh, trap got him?
I think the artificial
sweeteners gave him cancer.
And 6th Avenue.
- Penthouse suite.
- We're being summoned.
Ask me questions.
Who's the stupidest person on TV?
- Uh, Snooki!
- Oh, yes. You're right.
Who's the smartest?
- Um, House or Frylock?
- Who?
The limping doctor
- Okay, 53rd Street.
Don't you love
Times Square?
It feels like the center
of the world.
I feel like a bunch of TVs
threw up.
Take a cab.
What are you, walking?
Okay, okay.
We're coming.
What kind of mood
is she in?
- I've seen worse.
- Has she finished feeding?
Because we don't want
to be around any of that.
Where are my offshoots?
There they are.
Look at the new fall line.
Gaultier, Prada.
Dries.
And I can never see how
I look in them.
What is the point
of looking like this
Hmm?
- Oh, sucks hard.
- Not so nice.
So put them on and then
I will just imagine
how much better
they will look on me.
Ivan, call Mr. Pizza Guy.
I thought
we were going out.
I feel like a pizza guy.
Oh, come on.
Those clothes are wearing you.
Give it some juice.
- I don't know about this one.
- Why not?
It's just not for young people.
Excuse me?
Are you telling me
about being young?
Do you have any idea
how long I have been young?
She just means that,
with the recession and all,
girls of a certain age couldn't
afford something like this.
Plus, it's fur.
It's like wearing a dead animal.
Okay, here's the flaw
in that argument.
Why should the life of a mink
be more valuable than
the life of a pigeon?
You two drink pigeons
every day.
We set them free.
- Stacy got attached.
- To pigeons?
You know what?
We never should've named them.
I know, you're so right.
I mean, how can you hurt
something named Snuggles?
- Or Mr. Doodles?
- Do you remember...
You're pathetic.
Pizza guy.
Pizza guy.
and sausage?
You're late.
They said
You kept me waiting,
you bad boy.
Sorry.
You know what happens
to bad boys.
I hate when she's in town.
- It's disgusting.
- I know.
But let's just have
a good time.
- Come on, we deserve it.
- Taxi!
Besides, it's goth night.
And all the day players
always dress up so cute.
We're the oldest ones here.
Except for this schmo hawk.
- Can I buy you ladies a drink?
- We never drink...
mojitos.
Maybe you should court
someone your own age.
- Oh, did you see that cute one?
- Mm-hmm.
- Hey.
- Hey, Renfield.
Adam Ant called.
Oh, come on. Awaken me.
I wanna live forever.
Then you should try
eating more broccoli.
No, I don't want to eat more
broccoli. I want to be undead.
You are undead.
You're alive.
Yeah, stop imagining
crazy ideas.
No.
What?
- Stuck-up McVainypants is here.
So what?
Just ignore him.
Show him how much fun
you're having.
What? No!
No pictures.
Wh... then take me.
Come on.
Let's just go dance.
Isn't this place
a little Mickey Mouse for you?
There is Donor Club
in Chinatown.
I don't know what
you're talking about.
I think I can sense
a real vampire.
Vampire?
That word is so cornball.
And anyone
who says "cornball"
Okay.
I just don't appreciate
being called the V-word.
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"Vamps" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 4 Nov. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/vamps_22723>.
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