Vamps Page #2

You prefer ELF?

Extended Life Form, yes.

So gay.

- Hey.

- Hi, Ivan.

I see you met Vadim.

You know he's my stem.

Oh, you're the Soviet stem.

Ukrainian.

Let's go to that club.

Blood Bank.

We don't feed

off of people.

Oh, great.

As long as Cisserus

takes care of herself.

- Why?

- Anything happens to her,

your years will accrue.

You wouldn't want

to look your age.

Excuse me.

I am Vadim.

This is Ivan.

I'll get my coat.

- Oh, Juicy.

- She is asking for it.

Yeah, I'd say.

Listen to me.

Vadim and Ivan

are bad guys.

I like bad guys.

No, you like nice guys.

Don't look at them

and don't talk to them.

Don't talk to them.

And remember,

nice guys.

Nice guys.

Guys that listen

when you say stuff.

Guys that compliment you.

Hey, Juicy.

Where are you going?

- Hey. We're gonna go.

- BRB.

Um, that only works

if you're leaving.

"Be right back."

- Oh. SL.

- What?

- "So long"?

- Close enough.

So I tell my parents I'm coming

to the city for my music.

And they say okay,

as long as I go to NYU.

You want?

No thanks.

I'm already in the mood.

So now they're all,

"What about law school?"

And I go, "I told you I was

coming here for my music."

So they're, "Then why did we

spend $100,000, Derek?"

I'm like, "You got me.

You could've just gotten me

Pro Tools and I'd be happy.

Law school is your dream,

not mine."

And they think it's all

about record deals,

but it's so different now.

They're so old-fashioned.

They just don't get it,

you know?

Hey, my parents

believed in witches.

Hold on, I gotta play

you something.

Mm.

You've got...

you've got something.

Hmm?

You want a rail?

A little bit won't hurt.

I gotta get out of here.

Hey, people can see you.

What?

Nobody cares.

Besides, the streets are wet

and my shoes are suede.

Stacy, I kinda did

something bad.

- What?

- Well, this drummer guy

was all coked up and his nose

started bleeding.

- Oh, no.

- I just licked a drop.

And what now? Are you jonesing?

Do you have the hunger?

No.

I just had what came out.

It wasn't even flowing.

But I know it would be so much

more satisfying than this whole

get-dressed-go-out-

and-have-sex routine.

I mean, guys used

to want to sing

or paint or write.

Now, it's like iPod hits

and webisodes.

Half the time, I don't even know

what they're talking about.

Well, we're going to group tomorrow.

That always helps.

- Hey.

Didn't that used to be

a yogurt place?

Things keep changing

around here.

Well, in the '70s,

it was a methadone clinic

and all the hippies

would be sitting on the stairs

waiting for their medicine.

And in the '50s,

it was a dance studio,

and everyone came to the Village

to be beatniks.

And before that,

it was a German newspaper.

How do you

know this stuff?

- The History Channel.

- Oh.

- Uh-oh, birds.

- Hurry. Go, go!

- Whoops!

- Get back.

- Watch out, Kenny!

Oh!

That's Van Helsing.

Let him through.

Oh, no, no, no.

This doesn't have

anything to do

with Homeland Security

so get away from

my crime scene, huh?

Did you recover the neck?

Look, it's your garden variety

John Doe.

Killed, bled out

someplace else,

they hacked it up

and dumped it here.

You call this bled out?

It's bone dry.

- Detective.

Excuse me, ma'am.

I need you to back up, please.

What is that,

a pizza carrier?

There.

You happy now?

Hey, if we find a subway map

and explosives, we'll call you.

- Whoa.

Good evening.

My name is Harry,

and welcome to

Sanguines Anonymous.

Tepish, you're a stem,

aren't you?

Someone told me

that if a stem dies,

all the offshoots die.

It's an old wives' tale, right?

I thought as long as you stayed

out of the sun, you're okay.

And if your stem died,

you start aging.

No, you start aging,

but not like the day players.

You become

your chronological age.

When were you awakened?

Ah, pfft.

Baby.

Besides,

Stacy turned in 1992.

Does she know

how old you are?

No.

It seemed to comfort her

thinking we were the same age.

Ah, I see.

- You're from Cisserus, huh?

- You know her?

We had a fling.

Mm.

That took about

a century off my life.

Hey.

Tepish, would you like

to start off tonight?

Okay.

Thank you, Harry.

Hi, everyone.

I am Vlad Tepish.

You know,

Vlad the Impaler.

Hi, Vlad Tepish.

I have abstained

from the fluids of homo sapiens

for 362 years.

I'm sure that you've heard

about what I did

to the Turkish army, huh?

He impaled them.

You youngsters have to learn

how to substitute

what you can't do with things

that are less harmful.

Personally,

I like knitting.

Especially...

- this part.

Thank you, thank you.

Thank you.

- Hi, I'm Stacy.

- Hi, Stacy.

I've been in my 20s

for two decades,

and when I was a day player,

I was doing a lot of E.

E?

I don't know what that is.

That's ecstasy.

And then one night,

I must've been pretty stoned,

'cause I don't even remember,

but I know Cisserus

was feeding on me,

and Goody was arguing

that I would be a good

clothing model for her.

So if it wasn't for Goody,

I would be dead.

Like, dead-dead.

But she says that I saved her

because she'd been so lonely,

and having a friend made

her want to keep existing.

Even though I've never

had human blood,

I still feel tempted.

But it's like drugs.

We don't need

the high-highs.

It's more satisfying

to not hurt anybody

and just have fun

with your friends.

- Thanks.

- Good meeting, people.

Shall we?

When it comes to

drinking human blood,

a single drop is too much,

and a whole family

is never enough.

Support your fellow ELFs.

Undead is not unfeeling.

Great.

What are you doing?

Don't you hate it when

you sprout fangs,

part's white and then

the other part's dingy?

I never thought about it.

- It's Renfield.

- Hey, Renfield!

- Where are you guys?

Let's go to SoHo House.

I'm sick of these clip joints.

How about this?

You go, and if it's great, text us.

All right. G2G

G2G.

"Got to go."

Why can't kids say entire words?

It takes just as long

to say letters.

Remember, we said

that we'd keep up with the times

even though it's not as good

as the '80s.

You don't hear me

complaining every time

a new song comes on

that Devo is much better.

That's true.

You have a glob.

- Here?

- Other side.

- Here?

- A little higher.

Doesn't it drive you crazy

not knowing

what you look like?

You look the same

as you always did.

- You have pictures from before.

- No.

You don't have any pictures

from your early years?

No.

A guy in the park drew this.

Do I look anything like this?

Oh, yeah.

- He really captured you.

- Oh.

Hold on.

Okay, she sort of has

your structure.

You have rounder eyes,

shorter chin,

change the hair,

green eyes,

and...

fix the nose.

- And print.

Oh, my God.

- That's me.

- Yeah.

It's been so long.

I take back everything bad

I ever said about computers.

- Thank you.

- You're welcome.

- Ooh.

- Good morning.

- Morning.

Ew.

Well, LASIK has come

a long way.

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