Vamps Page #3

- Hi, I'm Joey.

- Hi, I'm Stacy.

Hey, would you like to have

lunch with me sometime?

- No.

- Okay.

Um, no, what I meant was

I work during the day

but I could have coffee

or drinks.

Okay, great.

All right,

any questions?

Yes, Professor Quincy.

How many surrealists does

it take to change a light bulb?

- How many?

- A bicycle.

Well, thank you for that wonderful

insight, Mr. Van Helsing.

All right, I know

that was no "Talladega Nights."

Now what was Dal

trying to do in this?

Stacy, don't take a nap.

You'll be up all day.

I'm so tired.

I was IM'ing all day.

I barely slept.

I met someone

at school.

- What's his story?

- He's silly.

Goofy but cute.

- What's his name?

- His name?

Um, his name is Joey...

Van Helsing.

What?

I'm sure it's a coincidence.

It's a common name.

And you didn't hit it off

with Timmy Hitler?

Very funny.

I don't like it.

I can take care

of myself.

Guess what Joey

wants to do this weekend?

- Behead you?

- Ha-ha.

I need to see

my wife's chart.

You know, I've asked about

four times in the past hour.

So get me

the goddamn chart.

And don't start

with the shifts.

And you won't be sued

for malpractice

if you do it now.

Hell no, we won't go.

Hell no,

we won't go.

Hell no...

Enough already.

I've had enough.

Hi, honey.

Hi, honey.

Love you.

I told them not to bring

you any... look at this.

I don't want you to eat this.

Look at this.

They use this for breast

implants in the other wing.

Guess where I went?

Cappuccino.

- Oh...

- Look at this.

How much?

How much do we love cannoli?

All right, maybe later.

How you doing in there?

- Ugh.

- I'm tired.

- Oh, sh*t.

- You got jury duty.

- What?

- 8:
00 a.m.

- No.

How could this happen?

We're paid in cash.

We don't do taxes.

I don't even have

a driver's license.

Our credit cards

are through a third party.

Oh. I voted once.

- You what?

- I voted for Dukakis.

- Dukakis?

- It was before I turned.

And I was just thinking

about the good of the country.

Country?

It's just business.

From the Dutch West

India Company

to the slave trade.

How do you know

all this stuff?

Um, The History Channel.

Yay!

If you're here and he's there,

why don't you talk?

Nobody talks.

Do you want him

to think I'm 40?

So, if the city has

too much garbage,

and rats eat garbage,

why don't we just get rats

to eat the garbage

instead of spraying

toxic crap everywhere?

- Rats breed too quickly.

- So?

What if we give them

birth control?

You mean get rats

to put on condoms?

Yeah.

Teensy-weensy little condoms.

Who's that old hippie

talking to Fred?

You must mean the girls from

the graveyard shift.

Sh*t.

I used to go out with him

before you and I

knew each other.

Oh, my God. He's gonna

expect you to be like 40.

- I know.

- Hi.

Wow.

How is it possible?

How is what possible?

Goody, you have not

aged a day.

Mister, my name is Susan.

But my mother's name was Goody.

Did you know her?

Goody Rutherford?

Is that your mother?

Yes, but she passed away.

Oh.

I-l-I'm sorry.

My name is Danny Horowitz.

Did she ever, uh, you know,

like, mention me?

I think.

- But we have to get to work.

- Hey.

Hi, I under... listen.

I have to talk to you.

Please call me tomorrow.

Okay.

Tomorrow night.

Night, of course.

Just like your mother.

Okay.

- So, is this your place?

- It's my parents' place.

When my ex and I broke up,

I was traveling

and I haven't found

a new place yet.

- Iris recognition.

- So, what does your dad do?

Well, he works for

Homeland Security now,

but he was with MI-6 in London

for quite a long time.

So is he, um,

some kind of spy?

Yeah, like James Bond

but shorter.

Listen, Stacy.

There's something I have to tell you.

- What?

- I'm older than you think.

I've been helping my dad with

this project for a few years,

and since I'm still in school,

you probably think I'm, like, 20.

But I'm almost 25.

- And since you're like 17...

Um, actually

I'm a little bit older

than the other kids, too.

You are?

Well, great.

Well, how old are you?

You don't ask

a lady her age.

- Well, why not?

- Because it's very impolite.

- How am I gonna find out?

- I don't know.

I'm gonna nick

your passport.

I'm never going again.

The performance was ghastly.

No, the clown was so...

- Joey.

- Oh.

I didn't know

you had company.

We just got back.

This is Stacy.

Stacy, my mother and father.

- Hi, Stacy.

- Oh, pleasure.

- Nice to meet you.

- Uh, yeah.

- How do you do?

- Hi.

Well, I actually

have to get to my job.

- You work at night?

- Yeah, it's so depressing.

But, you know,

just until school gets out.

- I have to go.

- I'll see you out.

- Ta!

- Yeah.

- Did you feel her hands?

- Freezing.

I'm glad you're interested.

Are you a registered voter?

No matter what's going

on in the world,

there's always someone

protesting or petitioning,

and they always wind up

in Union Square.

Even in the 1840s, people were

pamphleteering for abolition.

...southern flesh peddlers!

Slavery will tear

our country apart!

Sir, may I proffer

you a pamphlet?

Abolition now!

Sir... sir, may I proffer

you a pamphlet?

And in the 1950s,

thousands of people

protested to stop

the execution

of the Rosenbergs.

Of course, in the '60s, there was

always a Vietnam demonstration.

Hell no, we won't go!

Hell no, we won't go!

Hell no, we won't go!

Hell no...

Must've been pretty crazy to see

your old boyfriend like that, huh?

How long were

you guys together?

Over a year.

We never lived together,

but we saw each other

every night.

I forgot how nice it felt seeing

someone you love all the time.

I wonder what Joey's parents

think about me.

So what did you think

of Stacy?

She's rather pale.

How do you mean?

What your mother means

is she's...

exceedingly white.

So you don't like her because

of the color of her skin?

Is that what

you're telling me?

Oh, don't be so dramatic.

No, it's simply that

she's not like us.

You mean wealthy,

over-educated,

Upper-West-Side,

paranoid, ghoul-chasing...

Oh, for f***'s sake.

She's undead!

- And I forbid you to see her!

You think everyone

is a vampire.

Just because somebody stays up late,

doesn't go to bed before 3:00...

Well excuse me for being

overly vigilant.

...doesn't mean

they can just grow fangs,

- put on a black cape...

- But I think beings

- devoid of warm blood...

- ...and fly around town like a bat!

Just because

they're a little peaky,

it doesn't mean

they drink blood.

...roam the street at night

looking for innocent victims.

You are so intolerant.

Enough!

Stop it, both of you.

Let's just invite

your little friend to supper.

If she's one of them,

we'll know.

Fine.

Tonight, we're meeting

under sad circumstances.

I'm sure by now you've

all heard about David's

tragic Daylight Savings accident.

Boy, one century you're here

and the next you're gone.

Do you sense

something gross?

Yes.

I see we have a newcomer.

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