Vamps Page #4

Uh, yeah, hi.

I'm Rita.

Hi, Rita.

I am a psy-vampire.

- What exactly is that?

- Psychic vampire.

I'm able to feed off

other people's auras.

You know,

I absorb their energy.

How do you know you're

not just annoying them?

Psy-vampires are

a true vampiric subset, okay?

And we don't need blood

to draw...

What the f*** is that?

All right, all right.

Settle down.

We really

gotta be more careful

about how we announce

our meetings.

Anybody else

have something to share?

Stacy got called in

for jury duty,

but she hasn't voted

since the '80s.

That happened to me.

And they're bringing me in

for an audit.

Everybody call

on your stems

and any human-feeders

you know.

But how are we

gonna find Cisserus?

You don't know

her resting place?

When she wants us,

she summons us.

We never call on her.

Okay.

We all gotta work together, folks.

The community

is being persecuted.

I've seen it all before.

Now instead of tortures,

they're using computers.

Does Mr. Davidoff

know you are coming?

Mr. Davidoff is aware

we'll be here between

But don't you need

a search warrant?

Madam, you've insultingly

confused us with the police.

I'm from Time Warner,

and if you ever want to see

Jon Stewart again,

you'll open this door.

Let's get some light in here.

Morning, Sunshine.

Buenas noches, chicas.

Have you seen Ivan?

He hasn't answered

any of my summonses.

Uh, I think we saw him

last week.

Something must have happened.

He's not strong enough

to ignore you.

Well, you chicas

will just have to fill in.

But we're only good at modeling

and light clerical work.

So, you fold these carefully,

and you pack this soil.

Don't you just love

these "As-seen-on-TV" bags?

Look how much soil

it can fit.

Oh, it's a good thing we're here

because there's gonna be

a big meeting with all

the local stems and ELFs.

There's been a lot of

persecution of the community.

- What do I care?

- Well, if you keep acting

so recklessly,

they're gonna find you.

No one will ever

find my lair.

And I'm in the one place

no New Yorker ever goes.

But your behavior makes

it harder for everyone else.

For who?

For Vlad Tepish

and his doofus peasants?

"Vlad the Impaler"?

I'll tell you what that whole

impaling routine was.

Compensation.

You know what I'm saying?

Besides, I am leaving town.

And look at this pimpin'

travel coffin he made me.

Here's the itinerary.

Just get me on cargo

before dawn.

It's a private jet.

Spain?

What's in Spain?

It is not just the rain

in Spain.

Look at him.

Diego Bardem.

Only the handsomest,

most talented man in the world.

- Do you know him?

- No, I don't know him.

But I got mad love for him.

And I'll tell you a secret.

I am not gonna use

any hypnotism.

I want this to be real.

I haven't felt this way about

anyone since Al Jolson.

The Mammy guy?

Yes, the Mammy guy.

I mean, he was an amazingly

dynamic performer.

You have no idea because

you never saw him live.

No, no, no.

Ay, ay, ay, ay, ay.

- Hey.

- Hey.

What did your parents

say about me?

- Are you near your computer?

- Yeah.

Come on iChat.

I wanna see you.

- Oh!

I don't... I don't have iChat.

Yeah, you do.

It's built in.

Yeah, but my roommate

was spray painting

and she got paint

on the lens.

- So...

- Pfft.

What did

your parents say?

They thought

you were a bit pale.

What do you mean pale?

Well, you know, pale,

fair skin.

Like maybe you were sick

or something.

Well, it's just those

environmental light bulbs.

I mean, they make everybody

look horrible.

Look, they want you to come

for dinner on Friday.

Can you make it?

Oh, I'll be there.

- Ow!

Stay still.

- It's good, right?

- I think it's totally working.

I'm gonna be so tan.

Hi.

Wow.

You look...

Robust?

Sure.

Come in.

Dinner will be a few minutes.

Let me give you

the tour.

What is all this stuff?

Well, it's mostly stuff

from my grandfather

or my great grandfather.

My father is an expert

on vampirism.

Told you my family's nuts.

- What's this thing?

- Ah, well...

if someone you suspect of being

a vampire dies,

you place this over their neck

before they're buried

and if they wake up and try

to climb out of their coffin,

they get beheaded.

Dinner's ready!

Hey, I know him.

You know him?

I mean,

I know who he is.

It's Vlad Tepish.

It's pronounced "Tee-pees."

He was one of the most sadistic

figures in history.

Well, I guess that sort of

depends on your point of view.

Really?

How many points of view

can there be on the subject

of impaling people

and drinking their blood?

If a weird stunt like that stops

the entire Ottoman Empire

from taking over Europe.

His armor is in

the museum in Bucharest.

I mean, they consider

him a hero.

Yeah, if it wasn't for him,

we'd all be speaking "Ottomanese."

Didn't you like your fish?

Shall we make

something else for you?

Oh, no, thank you,

Mrs. Van Helsing.

I'm enjoying my dinner

a great deal.

Now, you must try our soup.

It's an old Van Helsing recipe.

Ahh!

Not a fan of garlic?

Oh, no, it's not the garlic.

It's the salt.

Even the tiniest bit

and I blow up

like a Thanksgiving Day

balloon.

My father thinks that

if he gives us garlic breath,

we won't make out.

Not going to work, Pops.

Ma, we'll take dessert later.

The movie starts at 9:30.

I'll just get our things.

Hmm.

You have a very strong will,

Dr. Van Helsing.

What are your intentions

with my son?

What do you mean?

Do you plan to suck

the life out of him?

No more than

any other girlfriend.

Hey, you ready?

Thank you for dinner.

- See you later.

Oh, I know.

But did you see the girl

who left with Joey?

Is she one of them?

I wasn't really paying attention.

That girl, she seemed pretty dark.

But it's all gonna be on my phone.

So hold on.

Wait, I don't remember

seeing empty chairs.

What did I do wrong?

You didn't do

anything wrong.

Why do people

bother going out

if the only thing

they want to bond with

is their little

glowing boxes?

Don't go grandma on me.

- Oh, there's Renfield.

- Hey.

Uh, you guys, um...

kinda can't sit here unless

we order a $400 bottle.

- Don't worry about it.

- Bottle service.

She left him 10 minutes ago.

The sex must be great.

Oh, we haven't done it yet.

Oh, so it's a purely

textual relationship?

I've been looking for you,

you lifeless b*tch.

What is your problem?

What did you do to Ivan?

What are you talking about?

First you kill

my game with Juicy girl.

Now Ivan is missing.

Suckerin' succotash.

- Guys, guys, guys!

Not in front of the day players.

The past few minutes,

you remember nothing.

Complete Sergeant Schultz.

I know nothing!

- I saw nothing!

- Now cut it out.

Besides, why would

we hurt Ivan?

We'd just wind up doing

more work for Cisserus.

Actually, it's a good thing

we ran into you.

We need you to come to

a Sanguines Anonymous meeting.

- No way.

- You don't have to join,

but a lot of weird stuff

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