Vamps Page #5

has been going down.

They're trying to force us

out into the sun.

You think this has something

to do with Ivan's disappearance?

It might.

Did anyone in his building

see anything?

The neighbor said the cable

company was there.

Can Time Warner just burst into

a person's home and kill them?

Yeah, they're terrible.

Come to a meeting.

We've got to figure this out.

Everybody's getting audited.

Well, you don't have to go.

What?

An audit is just

the IRS saying,

"We think you should

pay more taxes."

And if you agree with them,

then you say, "Okay, how much?"

But you only have to go in

if you wanna challenge them.

How do you know this?

I'm a CPA.

- You are?

- Yeah.

You just got

some new clients.

Not me.

I have a guy.

What are you wearing?

It's like the history

of fashion.

I'm going to see Danny.

I wanna look nice.

Gibson Girl shirts

were the prettiest.

on short women.

but are comfortable.

Okay, but what's

with the hat?

It's a boater.

People always said

it looked spiffy on me.

People from

your barbershop quartet

or people from

the Republican convention?

Oh, God.

Here we are.

"Architectural Digest" time.

Enjoy yourself.

Sure you don't

want anything to drink?

- I'm sure.

- Well, I'm not.

I need some coffee, man.

For energy.

I just made this last week.

- Oh.

- You work for the government?

Do I look like I work

for the government?

I'm with the ACLU.

Right now I'm in the middle

of this deportation case

with abuses of wiretapping.

It's unbearable.

Well, I thought

if the government

doesn't hear terrorist-related stuff,

they have to hang up.

No.

Ah, look at this.

I was going through these

looking for your mother.

Look at these.

She had this habit of just

ducking out right before

they took a picture.

Well, she was superstitious.

Still, I mean,

it's a little nutty, isn't it?

My God.

- I have this one.

- You do? Really?

She saved it?

You better put yours

in plastic.

She liked this, huh?

Well, why not?

I was not bad-looking

back then, huh?

What an amazing

time this was.

Being young and in love.

Feeling like you're a part of

something that really mattered.

Your mother never mentioned

why she just disappeared?

- Not really.

- Oh, man.

Hey, you know what?

I have to get movies for my wife

before the store closes.

- Right on.

- Huh?

My way.

- I'll go with.

- Oh.

All right, cool.

You know,

Angela is really in and out.

And that's why I gotta get her

movies that she really loves.

So, you know,

when she dozes off,

you know, she won't miss

anything, really.

- Can I help?

- Uh, no.

When I see 'em,

I'll know it.

- Then I'm gonna look around.

- Okay, cool.

Excuse me.

Do you have any

James Cagney posters?

Oh, James Cameron?

No, uh, James Cagney.

You know, "Made it, Ma!

Top of the world!"

No.

What about...

- Fred Astaire?

- No.

- Jack Lemmon?

- No.

- Paul Newman.

- Oh, the salad dressing guy?

- Yeah.

- No.

Phones on the ground.

Phones on the ground now.

Drop 'em!

Hands in the air. Hands in the air.

Give me the money.

Don't you point that.

He's got a heart condition.

- Shut up!

- Oh, my God!

F***.

Come on!

- He's having a heart attack.

- No, no, no, lady.

Get up and give me

the money now.

- Sh*t, come on!

- Oh!

Stop it.

Calm down.

Mm.

Feel better?

Yeah.

You are gonna take this couple

to the hospital.

And no more stealing

The bite was from your cat.

You guys,

take CPR courses.

You hate junk food.

And get "Public Enemy."

The Cagney one.

You all right?

I could hypnotize you,

but I've been wanting to tell you.

So what are you saying?

You broke up with me 'cause

you wouldn't drink my blood?

Is that what you're telling me?

I don't drink human blood.

You don't?

That guy, what was that?

No. Have you ever seen

a vampire bat?

A little rodent can get

the blood out of an entire cow

in a few minutes because

of this enzyme in their saliva.

It's a completely safe

blood thinner.

And I also have it.

I didn't drink

that man's blood.

I spit into him

to stop the stroke.

Oh.

You just spit into him.

Oh, that's a whole

other ball game.

Well, if I didn't, he would have

had a lot of brain damage.

How old are you?

A little older than you.

So people can only be

around you for, like, what...

a year or something?

No, I could go around

seven years

without them expecting

me to look older.

And I would've stayed with

you for as long as possible.

But when you became

one of the student leaders,

people on the street

recognized you.

I thought,

"This is his time."

You could have your choice

of any woman out there.

It didn't seem right

to rob you of the chance

to meet someone amazing.

And you did, didn't you?

I did.

I really did.

And you know what?

I really should check

and see how she's doing.

And I gotta tell

you something else.

I feel like I'm really, like,

tripping right now.

Am I gonna see you again?

Uh...

of course, yeah.

Okay, this is Germany

before World War II.

The sleepwalker

keeps murdering people,

but only because the evil guy

has him under a spell.

What does that remind you of?

I'm flummoxed.

Germany?

Evil spell?

Adolf?

Your eyes remind me

of somebody.

Adolf Hitler.

No, that wasn't

who I was thinking of.

Audrey Hepburn.

Same initials, though.

Can you please just focus

on symbolism?

Sorry.

Can I be under your spell?

Or better still,

you could be under my spell.

What are you

gonna make me do?

Laugh hysterically.

Holy sh*t.

Has it ever been like that

for your before?

Not since the '80s.

Hey, where are you going?

Um, I've got an early class.

Well, ditch it

and come back to bed.

I can't.

But I'll call you later.

Come on, my parents won't

be home until tomorrow.

Look, it's a little early in the

relationship to get into this,

but I've really gotta go.

What the...

- Something bothering you?

- What?

No.

If there's anything

you wanna talk about...

maybe trouble

with Stacy, or...

Yeah, 'cause you'd love that.

He's not answering my texts,

my tweets, my e-mails,

my voicemail,

my Facebook messages...

Do you think

he'll tell his father?

No, he wouldn't do that.

What about Danny?

Do you think he'll

tell the authorities?

- He'd never.

- How do you know?

Danny hates authority.

I'm gonna go to his class

so he has to confront me.

- Are you mad at me?

- Don't go away.

- Huh? What?

- Really?

- Yeah.

How do you like

them apples?

Garlic?

You were afraid of it

the other night.

Yeah, because

I've always hated garlic.

Can we please just

talk about this?

- My father tried to warn me.

- Against what?

I have never harmed a human

being or a domestic animal

my entire life.

Oh, so you didn't go after me

'cause I'm a Van Helsing?

No. If anything,

I would've stayed away.

Besides, if I wanted

to drink your blood,

would I have written you

this 10-page report

on Freud and his influence

on surrealist imagery?

How do I know

you wrote this for me?

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