Vamps Page #6

Because I also wrote one

on World War I

and how it gave birth

to Surrealism.

Actually, I like

that one better.

Oh, you do?

So now you trust me, huh?

I trust you to give yourself

the better grade.

I don't blame you.

You know

I would never hurt you, right?

Yeah.

Well, then what is it?

Is it the day thing?

Do you want to have a girlfriend

you can go hiking with

and go to the beach?

No, I'm... I'm more of

a night person.

Is it the blood, then?

- You wanna try new restaurants?

- No, I'm not much of a foodie.

So what is it?

I hate it when

my parents are right.

Okay, now open.

Thank you!

You know what? I'm sorry.

No, no, no, no.

I shouldn't be dumping

all this on you.

Fine. Yay!

Come on,

just sign the petition.

- Okay.

- Okay.

Here you go.

Right there.

- Ooh.

- Hey, Renfield. Come on in.

- Hey. How are you, Goody?

Jesus.

- Hey, Renfield.

- Hey, how are you?

- Do you mind if I smoke?

- Yes.

But... I mean,

this can't bother you.

It bothers me

if you're hurting yourself.

Well, then awaken me.

It doesn't work that way.

You're an accountant.

Do the math.

If every infected person

fed on or infected

the rest of the people,

the entire population would've

eaten itself off the planet

Iong before Christ

was even born.

Only a stem

can turn someone.

Is that the sweater

Tepish knit you?

Mm-hmm. It would be impolite

not to wear it.

And it goes with everything.

Wait till you see the one

he's making you.

Okay, people.

This is an amazing event.

Except for Cisserus,

we have all the stems

from the tri-state area.

- Vadim the Russian,

- Ukrainian.

- Ashwan from Kush.

- Hi, Ashwan.

- Ghuri, the Turkish stem.

- Hi, Ghuri.

Yuppa, yuppa.

I'd like to start by asking,

how many of you

have gotten subpoenas?

Excuse me.

Why do not

we just eat the lawyers?

You crazy.

We can't eat all the lawyers.

Why not?

Let's just say eating lawyers

is out of the question.

- I know you can sense

that we have

day players among us.

This is my granddaughter,

Sarah.

- Hi, Sarah.

- And this is our friend Renfield.

He's a CPA so he can help

with the IRS stuff.

And I understand

we have a lawyer here.

You absolutely do.

How you doin?

My name is Danny.

- Hi, Danny.

- And I'm from the ACLU.

From what I understand,

you can't be forced out

during the day and you don't

want anyone to molest

your resting places.

But the government can enter

your home any time they want

because of the Patriot Act.

See what's going down now

is that all your cell phones

and your iPhones

and all the computers

are helping them find you.

So I urge you not to use

any of your electronic devices.

How will we do anything?

How do we even stay in touch

with each other?

I used to write things down.

- Oh, yeah. Like in a datebook.

- Right.

But I need my computer

to tell me sunrise and sunset.

Oh, I can tell everyone that

on my almanac.

Under "Sky Watch,"

it's got phases of the moon,

high tide, sunrise and sunset,

and... good Lord!

What?

What is it?

Total eclipse of the sun

in two weeks.

Hold on, hold on.

Too bad that wasn't

the exact time of our summons.

If we had face time,

we could use hypnotism.

No, why? That wouldn't

make any difference.

Couldn't we just change

the times of the appointments?

Yeah. We could get you

completely eliminated

from their system.

We could delete and change

everything

in their computers.

You know,

I can see why

you have sworn off

human blood.

Awesome.

Do you want to join?

How would you ladies

like to be my wives?

Eat me.

- All right.

- Not literally.

Oh, are you okay?

You were sick yesterday, too.

Look what I got you.

- Pure pharmaceutical grade.

Oh, but they're so cute.

They're not like vermin.

They could be somebody's pets. Hi!

I figured they wouldn't

make you sick.

It's nothing.

I'm fine.

It's just when I get up.

Quit futzing.

We have to go.

Oh, don't start with me.

- Drop waists are coming back.

- Yeah, says who?

I saw a picture

of Keira Knightley in one.

Yeah, right.

That's because

Keira Knightley's in a movie.

- Ha, look at you!

- I know.

This was

my college interview outfit.

Were you trying

for a football scholarship?

Ha-ha. It's the only thing

I have that looks respectful.

- Whoa, check it out.

- I know, it's crazy.

Mom, look!

I've never seen it before.

Don't look

directly at it, honey.

Wow, I totally forgot

what it was like.

It's an entirely

different world.

Oh, so many women.

Have a nice day.

Come on, everybody. Let's go.

We only have two hours.

Hey, so do you know

where we're going?

You will do what

my accountant says.

It's CPA.

Okay, this is Ghuri.

This is file number 318.

This Vlad Tepish.

He was granted asylum in, um...

Currently married

to a US citizen.

Well, four.

Yeah, that's okay.

Child of

an American fiance.

For an adjustment

of status.

A student visa so

he can matriculate at UCLA.

Go Bruins.

Yeah.

Stacy Daimer is unable to perform

jury duty obligations.

Unable to perform

jury duty obligations.

- In fact, I'll just delete them.

- Just delete them.

Put the deleted names

in the trash.

Deleted names in trash.

- Empty the trash.

- Empty the trash.

Ask the IT guy

to remove the hard drive.

- Go, go, go!

- Excuse us, coming through!

Joey!

Yeah!

Let me see. Open.

Hold it up.

Hold it up.

Aw, beautiful color.

They're having the book launch

party for The Situation

right now on 10th.

What do you say?

- Ugh.

- Not worth the candle.

We're happy here.

Every A-lister in New York

will be there.

You can have

whoever you want.

Mm.

You get tired of that.

Oh, I like this song.

- You wanna dance.

- Yeah, do you?

- Yeah.

- Okay.

Aren't you gonna dance?

Me?

I don't think so.

- I'm not very good, no.

- Yes, you are.

- I remember.

- Yeah, but I don't remember.

- Do you sleep with henchmen?

Joey had to go.

His dad is bugging out.

- Problems at work, no doubt.

Hmm.

Wonder who that could be.

Oh, isn't it insane?

I was dating for 25 years

and I've never imagined to feel

this way about somebody.

What about

you and Danny?

Mm, I never stopped

loving him.

But his wife's sick so there's

no even thinking about it.

I'm just happy around him.

Reminds me

of being hopeful.

But how great would it be

if we both had relationships?

I mean,

wouldn't it be so cool...

Mott Street.

Mott Street.

Oh!

What is she doing

back so soon?

I guess things didn't

work out with Diego.

- Ugh.

- She's in Chinatown.

God, just when things

were going so well.

Mm.

Oh... oh, God.

I've never seen

real dead people.

What did you do?

You know how it is

when you eat Chinese.

Half an hour later

you're hungry again.

How could you?

Oh, I just can't

stop eating.

I'm so depressed.

Why didn't he like me?

I am so much more bomb-ass

than his girlfriend.

Maybe she wasn't

a homicidal maniac.

Maybe.

This is disgusting!

I know.

I could so easily

hate myself.

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