Vamps Page #7

But just because

you overdid it one day,

doesn't mean

you have to be bad all weekend.

- What's wrong with him?

Finish him off,

will ya?

I said kill him.

You really can't kill.

You guys are so useless.

Forget it.

Hey, can I have

a fortune cookie, at least?

That was way too close.

And I didn't put in rollers.

I'm gonna have

coffin hair tomorrow.

I know.

Goody, I don't think I can

do anything like that again.

Me either.

The world changes,

we have to adapt.

These violent old ways

don't make

any sense anymore.

But she won't listen.

- She's insane.

- Oh, tell me about it.

Tepish, is there

anything like a...

Sanguine's doctor?

Stacy is sick.

That's impossible.

We don't get sick.

That's what I thought, but every night

when we get up, she vomits.

Just how old was she

when she was awakened?

And I assume

there is a boyfriend.

- Why?

She's not sick.

She's pregnant.

So she can have a baby?

No, the pregnancy

will end by itself.

Unless she turns back.

Like, if Cisserus dies?

Cisserus.

Don't you worry, hmm?

Stacy will be just fine

in about a week.

They notified us

about a patient having seizures

who had a double puncture wound.

When I asked who checked him in,

I went back to

their surveillance cameras.

- Where's the body?

- Mount Sinai.

- Tell them we're coming.

- Mm-hmm.

All right,

sit down, listen to me.

Now, I know

you think I'm crazy,

but you have to do

something for me.

Sure.

Carry this with you

at all times.

- What?

- This is how you load it.

Only use the silver bullets.

Only use them on what?

Stacy?

Just keep it with you.

Don't give me any sh*t.

When a problem comes along,

like hunger, you must whip it.

It says this guy's a comic?

He's not even funny.

I've never seen him

in anything.

What's on?

"A**holes Insult People

More Talented Than Them."

"The Excessively '80s

Countdown."

Oh, show Goody.

Oh.

So my father decided

to give me this.

Hmm.

That's weird.

Oh, careful.

It's got silver bullets in it.

What's he thinking?

He's got more paranoid

since he saw the footage

from the hospital.

What footage?

This guy just seemed to fly

from a cab to the front door.

I'm such an idiot.

Why didn't I look

for surveillance cameras?

- Wait a minute, you...

- No, no. We didn't do anything.

It was...

it was our stem, Cisserus.

She's a monster.

She's gonna louse it up

for all of us.

Don't trip.

We'll talk to Tepish.

Oh, I saw him after work

and he said

you'll be feeling better soon.

You're just pregnant.

- What?

- I'm pregnant?

- We're gonna have a baby.

I'm pregnant!

Oh, my God!

Oh, I can't believe this.

I'm pregnant?

You want a baby?

Well...

yeah.

I'm over 40. How many more

chances am I gonna get?

And besides,

I'll make a kick-ass father.

All right.

Forget cell phones,

forget iPhones,

forget PowerBooks,

forget iPads.

Yay.

Now I can do

everything I want

with my iPad Mini.

That looks just like your phone.

But it doesn't make calls.

I got my tweets,

I got my e-mails,

I got my friends,

I got my alerts, I got...

So as the day progresses,

you can read

thousands

of unsolicited messages,

advertisements, and the mindless

brain vomit of acquaintances?

Someone sounds hormonal.

Maybe you're pregnant, too!

So annoying.

You have to keep

learning to use new crap

that doesn't actually

do anything better

than the old crap, which is

incompatible with the new crap,

all so you can have blogs

and watch fake teenagers

and real housewives?

And it's all happening

too fast

and I'm tired.

I'm just sick

and tired of it all.

It's okay.

We don't have to get

the iPad Minis.

No, I'm sorry...

Look. Only a couple stations,

but they had Groucho Marx.

No, that's not Groucho.

Groucho was

the mustache guy.

Yeah, he had glasses and a cigar.

Yeah, a cigar and glasses.

You'll split $25 between you.

Are you ready?

- Yes.

- Who is buried in Grant's Tomb?

Were people

really that stupid?

No, that's what he'd ask

when he felt bad

and wanted to give 'em

a few bucks.

Is Grant's Tomb

in New York?

- No. No.

- Yeah. Yeah.

Have any of you

ever been there?

- No.

- No.

- That's it.

- What?

God, the place

no New Yorker ever goes.

Of course, Cisserus would

want a monument.

And it's gota tomb

Oh, my God.

You're probably right.

Come on.

- Show me again.

- Yeah, here.

I guess I totally can tell,

but it's...

it's like, I don't know.

I always thought you'd be

the first one to have a baby.

Is that weird?

- But now that it's happening...

- Listen.

You have to decide something

independent of me or Joey.

This baby won't survive

in your condition.

If you want it,

you have to turn back.

How does that even...

Cisserus would have

to be killed.

That's right.

I'd be in my '40s.

But I'd be a mom.

- You'd be older, too.

- I know.

I can't decide

for the both of us.

How do you feel about

not being young anymore?

Which part...

running around to clubs

and dating idiots?

Would be nice not to

have to fake all the references.

- Ugh.

- Like acting nostalgic over

"Hey, Arnold" instead of

"Happy Days."

Not to mention

the slang, "BTW."

And the clothes

and the music.

Staying young is getting old.

Plus, we'll have a baby.

What are we even talking about?

We can't kill Cisserus.

She's lasted hundreds of years.

But that's because

nobody knew where she was.

But she's very sturdy.

And let's face it,

we're wimps.

Yeah, but she's sloppy.

And conceited.

And we'll call in

the heavy-hitters.

Who?

Your future father-in-law.

I just have to do

one thing first.

You said for a little more time,

you'd do anything.

- Did you mean it?

- Of course, but what can I do?

Would you change your schedule

and stay up later

and promise to let her

only have animals?

Now, wait a minute.

Can you keep her alive?

- Not exactly alive.

- But not dead?

I can't but he can.

- It's up to you.

- Yeah.

Yeah, I can't lose her.

I need privacy to do this.

- Ah.

That's enough.

It doesn't take that long.

Your wife is very sweet.

- Yeah.

- So, uh...

I am just wondering,

are you guys

getting along, or, uh...

any chance of breaking up

in the future?

Danny.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Come on, open up.

- Who's there?

- I'm a friend of your son.

- I wanna help you.

- You want to help me?

I've got some news

for you, Grandpa.

Did you say Grandpa?

I thought all victims

turned into vampires or died.

I've never heard of anyone

turning back.

Well, I've never known

anyone firsthand.

But apparently,

if you're young enough...

those are useless on a stem.

Are you really sure this isn't just

Joey's rebelliousness?

I mean,

do they seem serious?

Well, I've never seen Stacy

like this before.

And he's so excited

to be a dad.

I believe

they really are in love.

When did you awaken?

I survived a feeding

and begged her to turn me.

You wanted

to become a vampire?

It was the lesser

of two infections.

In 1840, there was

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