Van Wilder: Freshman Year

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There is one graduate here today

that has won every single honor

and award this school gives out.

That graduate,

our friend, is Van Wilder!

Standing here today,

I cannot help but wish I could stay

in high school forever.

I mean, there are

so many warm mammories...

Memories I have of this place.

But, you see, change, like life,

has a way of sneaking up on us.

When we least expect it, yeah.

Sure, the timing may seem

very, very bad,

but yet it feels good, so good,

to be graduating

with some of the sharpest minds

and swiftly darting tongues

that this school has to offer.

Listen to me ramble.

I am really giving you a mouthful.

But before I'm finished,

it is my extreme pleasure

to recognize someone who has aced

her oral exams,

who has always been head of the class,

graduating summa cum

laude. Our very own valedictorian.

Congratulations, graduates!

-Congratulations, Son.

-Thanks.

Now, let's get out of here.

The sooner we get to Amsterdam,

the sooner we won't be able

to remember it.

Yeah.

-You're not going to Amsterdam.

-I can't.

Sheik Mohammad is building

an island outside of Dubai.

And I'm gonna help him

import a million tons of sand.

It's a huge opportunity, Van.

Come on. You're gonna have

a great time without me.

Exploring nether regions

in the Netherlands

is not a bad way to spend

your summer before college.

I still don't know why I can't

just skip college and come work for you.

I mean, I know the business,

we could hang out...

Van, every Wilder man

has graduated from Coolidge.

It's tradition. And tradition

is something you just don't break.

I gotta run. Hey, have a great time,

do everything I wouldn't do,

and remember,

-''Banging, broke or blitzed...''

-''A Wilder never quits.''

Write that down.

Well, well. Look who just arrived.

Van, do you have

to go back to the college?

Come back to Amsterdam with us.

Dulia, Babette, I'm sorry, ladies,

but I must.

I've been waiting 30 years for this.

It's a little small, but I can work with it.

Van Wilder. I'm your new roommate.

All right. Farley.

Smoke?

Man, am I glad

we are roommates, man!

This place is a pimper's paradise.

I'm gonna make

some of my special brownies.

My God!

We've been invaded by Supercuts!

-Lieutenant Dirk Arnold, ROTC.

-Corporal Benedict, ROTC.

Van Wilder, WTF?

The Honorable Dean Charles Reardon

requests your presence immediately.

But I just put my slippers on.

Van Wilder, sir, as you ordered.

Return to your squad.

Well, well, Mr. Wilder.

Nice of you to join us.

Colonel Charles Reardon,

Dean, Coolidge College.

How's it hanging, Chuck?

You see these fine young men, Wilder?

These are Reardon's Raiders.

They've won every ROTC war game

for the past three years.

They're my pride and joy.

Good doggies.

I especially like your Chihuahua.

Lady Liberty is a purebred

Italian greyhound.

Actually, I was talking about that guy.

Arnold!

Secure Lady Liberty.

Let's you and me take a little ride, son.

Stay.

-Good dog.

-Get the lead out, Wilder!

You know, I went to school here

with your father.

He acted like he owned the place,

just 'cause his family's name

was on that building over there.

You know what that name

means to me?

About as much as titties on a mule, son.

I run this outfit now.

And while you're here,

you'll follow Reardon's Rules.

No drinking, no fornicating,

and no partying, period.

Or you'll be the first Wilder

who fails to graduate from Coolidge.

Now, do you follow me?

Yes, sir! You prefer your mules titless!

Let's get one thing straight, son.

I may not be able to kick you out of here

'cause of your daddy and his dough.

But you screw with me,

and I'll make it so you'll pray to leave.

Out.

I'm glad we had this talk.

Means there won't be

any problems in the future.

Party tonight, party tonight.

Party tonight, party tonight, thank you.

You smell that, Farley?

That's the smell of opportunity.

The smell of thousands of new girls.

The... Hello.

Van Wilder, Chairman

of Freshman Relations, self-appointed.

This is my partner, Farley Marley.

-Jah Rastafari.

-He's from Jamaica.

-Right.

-We're having a little

room-warming soiree tonight.

Nothing big, just a few hundred friends,

foam machine, nitrous, frappuccinos.

We would love it if you ladies came.

-A party?

-You're joking, right?

No!

It's okay.

Wow. This is embarrassing.

I can't believe nobody showed up.

Well, it's about time.

Party?

So, Yu Dum Fok! You came all the way

here from China.

Yes. Village I grow up in boring as sh*t.

No party. I dream of beer bong,

bimbos, and boob on my butt.

So, I work in sweatshop,

save money, come here.

Cannot even afford room,

have to sleep in janitor closet.

That's one of the most beautiful things

I've ever heard, Yu Dum Fok.

No offense to your ancestors,

but maybe we'll just call you Yu, Yu.

Van, how come no hot,

young, American cat?

Coolidge is number one party school!

Girls used to have hair?

I hate to break it to you, Yu,

but I don't think

that's the case anymore.

No party?

No beer bong?

-No boob on butt?

-No.

I go to janitor closet now.

Drink ''breach.''

Forget the ''breach.''

Boys, it's toga time.

Friends, Romans, grunting women,

lend me your beers.

Welcome.

Nice jugs.

They contain the sacred blood

of the lamb.

Do you wish to be purified?

We here for boob on butt.

Actually, I think we're lost.

Come with me. My sisters

will take care of your friends.

I'm not sure if you're aware,

but in the past few years

Coolidge has become a more

religious and conservative campus

than it used to be.

I'd better take these.

Alcohol is the devil's mouthwash.

At Coolidge, we're dry.

You know, science has made

incredible advancements

in personal lubrication.

You won't be needing these, either.

Orgasms are the deviI's heroin.

Just once, and you're hooked.

''O daughters of Jerusalem,

do not awaken love until it is ready.''

-Amen.

-Amen.

Song of Solomon, 8:4.

Let she who is without sin

grasp the first bone.

Wilder, 69.

Perhaps you and your friends

should look into a different school.

We have enough sinners here.

You wouldn't happen to have

their phone numbers, would you?

You have a very impure spirit.

There's a dark, wretched hole

waiting for you.

Okay, but you have to buy me

a drink first.

I think that can be arranged.

Now I know what a tampon feels like.

This is a complete fuckery,

you know, man.

No poom poom, no ganja.

Vampires for Jesus,

throwing blood on us?

-I can't take four years of this bullshit.

-We drink ''breach,'' get sent home.

Hey! No one's drinking ''breach!''

And no one's going home.

So what did you have in mind?

We shake things up a bit.

Why don't we just buy some?

Where's the fun in that?

This almost as good as boob on butt.

Say hello to my little friend.

Sorry.

Don't forget to floss.

Hi, Dirk. How's that big gun of yours?

-Hey, honeybear.

-Hey, honeybear!

Kaitlin. So nice you could make it.

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