Van Wilder: Freshman Year Page #2

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We missed you in Bible study again.

-Hymnal?

-Whoa!

Nice arm, Jezebel.

-I believe this is yours.

-Thanks.

Van Wilder, hopeless romantic.

-Kaitlin Hayes.

-My girlfriend.

Well, it's nice to see there are

some Christians

who still do charity work.

Come on, Kaitlin, let's go.

Yeah, before all the good seats

are taken!

No, thanks. I brought my own.

Thank you.

Today, I wanna talk about

something that's all over this school,

and it isn't pencils, no.

And it isn't books. But it's sin.

S-I-N. Sin.

You know, it seems like they'll let just

about anybody in school these days.

Except Jesus.

And, you know, I took the time

to check Jesus' transcripts,

and I find out that Jesus has

a perfect GPA.

Yeah, that stands

for God Point Average.

Amen, amen.

-Amen.

-Amen.

But what is the number one sin

on campus today?

Quite plainly, it's sex.

-Sex.

-S-E-X.

-Sex.

-Sex.

Even as we're speaking,

the sinning is beginning. Amen!

-Amen.

-Amen.

Amen, sisters.

-Gentlemen, the Lord is...

-Hallelujah, sister!

...about to work in very...

-Hallelujah!

...mysterious ways.

-Hallelujah!

That's right, sisters.

I want you to feel the Lord inside you.

Because fornication, copulation

and the king of all sins, masturbation,

is happening all around us,

even at this very moment.

-Amen!

-Amen!

But we've got a secret because

we've got Jesus on our side.

Can I get an amen?

-Amen!

-Amen!

Amen, sisters!

Yes, they're feeling it right now!

They got the power of the Lord

deep down inside them.

-Amen!

-Amen!

Hallelujah, sister, hallelujah.

-Hallelujah!

-Hallelujah!

-I want each of you out there to pray.

-Amen.

Pray that you might be

feeling what they're feeling.

-Amen!

-Amen!

Yes, they're talking to the big guy.

-Amen!

-Amen!

Oh, the sisters are feeling

mighty good right now.

-Amen, sisters!

-Amen!

It's time for some tits and mass.

-Amen!

-Amen!

-Amen!

-Amen!

Amen, sisters!

That's what I'm talking about!

-Amen!

-Amen!

You might as well open up

your pearly gates, dear Lord.

'Cause these sisters are coming!

These sisters are coming!

These sisters are coming!

-Amen!

-Amen!

You know what these are?

You know what these are?

Yes, sir.

And I think experimentation

is healthy for any marriage.

You listen to me, funny man.

I can't prove it, but I know it was you.

And you can rest assured,

I will get to the bottom of this.

In this case, Chuck,

may I recommend some Vaseline.

You know, nowadays,

the Dean has much more influence

over a student's curriculum.

And I have got something special

in store for you.

Something to build character.

Something to make you a man.

-Left, left, left, left, left, left...

-Left, left, left, left, left, left...

I'm gonna take a stab in the dark

and say

that none of you signed up

for this, either.

Well, if they think

that we came to college

to waste our time playing soldier

to some slack-jawed, pituitary-pumping,

testosterone-tweaking Neanderthal,

then they...

Are 100% correct.

Attention! Straight line! Eyes forward!

I'm Corporal Hayes.

I will be your drill instructor.

It's my job to guide you

through your ROTC physical training,

which is required to graduate

from this institution.

Are there any questions?

Yes, soldier.

Do you, by chance, drill in private?

Well, Mr. Wilder, if you'd like,

I'm sure I can arrange for us to spend

a little one-on-one time together.

This a new experience for you?

Yeah.

I usually go electric.

Helps get those hard-to-reach spots.

Hilarious. I've met guys like you before.

The only person you care about

is yourself.

-Something funny?

-Yeah.

I just can't wait to prove you wrong.

We'll see.

Oh, and by the way, you missed a spot.

Enjoy.

I'm sorry. I ordered mine well-done.

I have better food in sweatshop.

Oh, it can't be that bad, Yu.

-What? I had the munchies.

-Well, look what we have here.

I haven't seen this many turds

since I won

that campus hot-dog eating contest.

Yeah, I haven't seen this many pansies

since I was picking flowers yesterday.

Remember, I was making

that arrangement, and the...

So how's the chow, ladies?

I give the presentation three stars,

I really do,

but the pseudo meat, it's a little dry.

-There you go. All better.

-Yum, yum, yum.

You know, I heard they were looking

for a few good men,

but I guess they'll take

whatever they can get.

-Hey, Dirk.

-Kaitlin! Hey, honeybear, hi!

What are you boys up to?

Well, we were just congratulating

these fine young soldiers here

on their first day of duty.

You know me, Lieutenant Friendly.

Lieutenant Friendly here even

volunteered to switch meals with me.

Oh, what a nice guy.

Yum, yum. That is so good.

How's yours, Dirk?

Oh, God.

Well, how was it?

Always leading by example.

-So, are we still going to the game?

-Oh, I...

You bet we are!

What game?

-There's a football game this weekend.

-Really?

These losers haven't won

a game in years.

Come on, it's not about winning

or losing.

It's about supporting your school.

You know what? You are so right, babe.

School spirit.

Okay, well I'm gonna get back to class.

Okay. Bye.

All right, guess what, queerbait?

You're officially on my bad side.

The team's a joke, but the concessions

will probably buy me a new Humvee.

Right.

I take bigger hits than these guys

for breakfast.

No, it's not the team's fault.

-You guys, come on!

-They've got no inspiration.

It looks like the cheerleaders are

asking for a little divine intervention.

I'll be right back.

Where you going, man?

To fix this.

I have never seen

such a sorry display in all my life.

I mean, where's the fire?

Where is the intensity?

And for God's sake,

where are the tight ends?

Your team needs you out there.

Okay, being a cheerleader isn't

about pigtails and pompoms.

It's about standing by your team,

even when they suck.

Especially when they suck.

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

Now, do you think you can do that?

-Yes.

-Yes.

Do you think you can give it

the old college try?

-Yes.

-Yes.

Do you think maybe, just maybe,

you can help those guys score?

-Yes!

-Yes!

That's what I'm talking about.

But first, we're gonna have

to make a few cuts.

Who knew our cheerleaders were hot?

Who knew our cheerleaders

were women?

Hey, guys.

The girls have done their part.

Now it's your turn.

Oh, and they said

that if you win this thing,

they're throwing you a victory party.

Victory party, guys. All right, let's go.

One, two, three...

-Coolidge!

-Coolidge!

Come on! I know you can do it, now.

I tell you,

I don't know whose idea it was,

but these cheerleaders are grinding it

harder than Juan Valdez.

What the...

Sweet Jesus!

Now, that's what I'm talking about!

Watch your head!

Guys, give me a ride.

Hey!

-School spirit?

-No, thanks.

How about a beer?

In a bottle.

I shouldn't be here.

Hey, wait up!

I'll walk you back to your dorm.

I'm sorry. I just... I can't afford to do

anything that might jeopardize

-getting into officer-training school.

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