Van Wilder: Freshman Year Page #3

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-Understandable.

I must seem

like such a Goody Two-shoes.

No.

I was gonna say prude.

You know, you should read

The Art of War by Sun Tzu.

He say, ''All great warfare

is based on deception.

''Offer the enemy bait to lure him.

''Feign disorder and crush him.''

Or her.

He also says we cannot enter alliances

until we know the designs

of our neighbors. Good night.

You're not even going to let me

escort you to your room?

Now, what kind of a prude

would that make me?

Hey, where'd you come from?

Broke out of your little cage, huh?

What the hell?

Oh, my God.

You're my new best friend.

Here's to you.

Colossus.

-Hey.

-Hey.

Hi! Great party.

Don't thank me. Thank tequila.

What's up?

Found your pants.

Van, I took your advice about shaving

my excess body hair, and it worked.

She said I'd get laid tonight.

-What's her major?

-Pre-law.

-Get it in writing.

-Hey, Van.

Hey, guys, guys, guys,

I will get to all of you later, I promise.

Wow!

Hey, big man on campus.

-A blessing and a curse.

-Van! Van, I need your help.

-Calm down, Yu.

-I meet girl in class, ''berry'' sexy.

-Calm down, Yu.

-I meet girl in class, ''berry'' sexy.

So I say she beautiful.

She say, ''Get lost!''

So I say she smart. She say, ''Get lost!''

So I say, ''I know Van Wilder,''

and she say, ''Where your room?''

Things heating up,

but first I give her Connie ring ass.

-Connie who?

-Connie ring ass!

-Ring ass?

-Ring ass!

-Cunnilingus!

-Oh, right!

So next thing, she cry, she run out!

Show me what you did.

Jesus, man! You're lucky you didn't

send her to the f***ing hospital.

Where did you learn that?

-Sex ''crass.''

-What sex ''crass''?

Now, sex is achieved when

a male's sin stick is in, on,

or in the same room as

a female's hell hole.

Now, no matter what the woman says,

the act of procreation should only last

for a few seconds.

And remember, if it feels good,

you're doing it wrong.

Professor Downs!

There's an emergency phone call.

-Your wife was in an accident.

-Tell her I'll call her later.

-And she totaled your Mustang.

-That b*tch!

-Class, turn to pages 20 to 22 and...

-Hello.

Wake up!

My name is Professor Wilder.

I have BA, an MA and a PhD.

And I received a BJ from a double-D.

These are my teaching assistants.

Welcome to Sex 101.

This is hot.

-Yeah!

-Yeah!

This is not.

-No!

-No!

Hand?

Bad!

We call this maneuver ''flanking.''

Who can name this position?

-Yu.

-Glass Bottom Boat!

And this one.

Analingus!

-And that one.

-Mississippi Kiss the Gypsy.

Spraying Mantis.

Horny Dancer. Superman.

The Gizzard of Oz!

That's my favorite.

-Ladies.

-Hello, hands, meet the glans.

-And?

-Don't be daft, work the shaft.

-Guys.

-Don't be a twit, rub that clit.

You're learning!

Now, remember,

always practice safe sex.

But clean up after yourselves.

Condoms are like newspapers.

They may be filled

with important stuff now,

but you don't want them lying around

tomorrow morning.

Write that down.

Miss Hayes.

I'll let it slide this time,

but if you plan on being teacher's pet

-you really should stay after class.

-Class?

You're kidding, right?

Nothing from that soft-core seminar

would actually work in real life.

Okay, I give you tongue if you like.

The point is you put on

a disgusting display of vulgar anatomy,

crude stereotypes and dirty limericks.

Which you took copious notes on.

This is all a game to you.

It's a lot of smooth talk, and then it's

wham, bam, thank you, Van.

Well, my father taught me,

if it's something worth doing,

it's worth doing right.

Well, my father taught me

that the best things in life

are worth waiting for.

-Wait.

-Catch you later, teach.

Van! Van! Okay, thank you, thank you.

-I'm Yu.

-I'm Dongmei.

You know, I am not sure what it is,

but there is something in the air tonight.

Something called...

Love, girl.

See, that's what the reggae music

is all about.

Love and...

Shrimp?

Look at those.

Flamethrowers! Use the flamethrowers!

Permission to come inside, sir?

Kaitlin, you look like a...

Tramp!

That's what I feel like sometimes.

I mean, I know she has a boyfriend,

but it's like...

I'm sorry.

I shouldn't be boring you with all this.

Here. I have a little surprise for us.

Sweet and sour.

Ready, aim, fire!

Kaitlin, what's gotten into you?

Let's just say I learned

a few things in class today.

Kaitlin, I need my energy.

I have to pass

that obstacle course in the morning.

I'll give you an obstacle.

Don't.

I am so glad you weren't busy tonight.

Go ahead.

God.

Put some of Professor Van's

methods to the test last night?

You wish. What about you?

I figured you'd be in Wilder Hall

sucking beers with Susie Sorority.

Travel books.

I always had you pegged

as more of a Soldier of Fortune girl.

Traveling's one of the reasons

why I wanna be in the military.

To see the world.

You know, there are vacations

that don't involve machine guns.

Oh, right.

Spring break in Mexico,

winters in the Caribbean.

You probably spent summer

in Amsterdam.

I think it's important to familiarize

oneself with international tongues.

-Life's just one big party, isn't it?

-Why shouldn't it be?

Last time I checked,

we only go around once, right?

Unless you believe in reincarnation.

In that case, I wanna come back

as a ThighMaster.

What?

Hey! Wait up!

You know, you could be

a great leader if you just learned

how to follow orders first.

Not a big fan

of authority figures, actually.

-Someone has father issues.

-That makes two of us.

-Excuse me?

-Come on.

The whole military routine,

the tough exterior.

You don't know anything

about my father or me.

-You just see a uniform and...

-You just see a name on a building.

Well, why don't you surprise me?

All right. First of all,

I've never even been in Wilder Hall.

And secondly,

for someone who's so big on rules,

here it is.

''Student undergarments should be

as modest

''and unrevealing as possible.''

-So?

-So my sixth sense is telling me...

-You're a thong girl.

-What? No, I'm not.

-My sixth sense does not lie.

-Well, it does this time.

And in the future,

you might want to keep it,

and the rest of your senses to yourself.

Some things are private, Private.

Corporal, I think it's time we take things

to the next level.

I have waited so long

to hear you say that.

-What?

-Nothing, I...

Eve! Jesus, you almost scared

the courage out of me.

Hey, Dirk, I was just wondering

if you could help me.

-With what?

-I need to talk to God.

So go talk to him. I'm busy.

I need to feel him inside of me.

Don't you wanna help me find God?

-Listen. I don't know what you're on...

-Just f*** me!

Get away from me, devil woman!

-Dirk!

-Faster!

You get back here!

Yes, I bought you toilet paper.

No, it's not quilted. Golly!

I won't ask if you don't tell?

What the... Hey, put me down!

Is this where you bring all the boys?

Oh, yeah, you're a real comedian.

You like cracking your jokes,

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