Van Wilder: Freshman Year Page #4

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throwing your little parties,

sticking your tongue

in other people's property?

Can someone get this guy a Tic Tac?

Well, I got news for you, Mr. Cool Guy,

Mr. Rock 'n' Roll, Mr. Hot Crotch!

Your party-boy bullshit

has no place here at Coolidge.

And you're about to find out

the hard way.

I wanna watch!

This should teach you

not to mess with my girl.

Hold him!

Come on, Wilder. Drink up!

Had enough?

You wouldn't happen to have

a pale ale on tap, would you?

Screw it.

How your face feel?

Like a punching bag.

Maybe you should find another girl.

No, it's not just the girl, Farley.

Dirk and Reardon and all the rest

of those Cro-Magnon crotch diggers

need to learn they can't run

this place like Guantanamo U.

Oh, man! Who's been feeding

that dog corn again?

Farley, get some gloves.

All right, girls!

This is covert ops! I want it by the book!

Now camo up! Let's go!

-Sir, yes, sir!

-Sir, yes, sir!

-Jesus, it smells.

-Come on! Faster! Move! Yeah!

Put it on!

Mother of God!

Sir, he's right. It smells like...

What do you want it

to smell like? Roses?

Put it on!

All right, troops, one mile left.

Double time! Let's go!

-What happened to your face?

-I ran into a tool.

Oh, Dirk!

Not now, honeybear,

we're in the middle of covert ops!

-What's that smell?

-That smell?

-Yeah.

-It's the smell of war!

Well, it smells like crap.

-Is that corn?

-Back to base showers now!

Ran into a tool, huh?

-Wilder is dead!

-Dirk, what are you doing here?

-It's against the rules.

-I don't care about the rules.

-Now you sound like Van.

-No. No, no, no.

Don't you dare say that name to me!

I don't even wanna...

I don't even wanna hear that name!

-Dirk, calm down.

-You're forbidden to see him again.

Excuse me?

You can't tell me who to see.

Oh, you heard me, Corporal.

I don't want you to see him.

You don't talk to him. Period!

Or what? You'll beat him up again?

He's not one of us, Kaitlin!

-Yeah?

-Yeah.

Well, then, I don't wanna be one of us,

either. Get out, Dirk!

Wait, what? You can't break up with me.

We have cuddle-wuddle time

at 2100 hours.

Cuddle your gun.

Oh, and you can keep

Major McHuggles!

Where are the others?

Just you and me today, soldier.

Figured you need

a little one-on-one training.

You have 10 minutes to run the course.

Let's see if you can keep up.

Care to make it interesting?

If I win, you have to let me take you out.

Nothing sexual,

just a tour around campus.

And if you don't?

I'll do latrine duty for a month.

-You're on.

-Great. When do I start?

You already have.

You're running out of time!

I can't. I don't have any...

Come on. You have 10 seconds.

Ten, nine, eight...

Hey, Wilder!

Do you want this, or what?

I knew you had it in you.

Piece of cake.

Let me know if you find my right testicle.

Come on, milk dud.

I'll buy you an ice cream.

Mother!

All right.

Look at 'em, Lieutenant.

Morons, listening to their retard rock.

Horn dogs, tongue-dancing,

like cousins in a closet.

You see what's happening down there,

don't you?

Chaos, anarchy, ironic T-shirts.

I'm losing control, damn it,

and I refuse to let that happen.

Do you know who's behind it, sir?

I know who's behind it, all right.

It's that same rooster that's been

sniffing around your hen house.

Looks like somebody

needs another beating!

Forget it.

Beating him up is like beating off.

It might feel good doing it,

but in the end,

we're just standing there

with our d*cks in our hands.

-No. We need something more.

-I could...

Beat up his roommate, sir.

God damn it, boy. You stupid?

Wait a minute.

Isn't his roommate that pothead?

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

Lieutenant, I have got an idea.

Milady, your chariot awaits.

-How did you get this?

-Chuck lent it to me.

We go way back.

Thanks.

This is incredible.

You said you always

wanted to see the world.

I thought we'd start with the tropics.

Oh, I almost forgot,

the most important part.

-What is it?

-It's my own concoction.

-I call it the amputated leg.

-Why?

'Cause if you have more

than one, you're flat on your ass.

Christ! Look at this place.

It's like a homo's paradise.

-You want a cosmo?

-Put that down! Put it down!

Get over here! Stupid ass.

You have the stuff?

You have no idea

where I had to hide this.

Put it over there in that plant thingy.

Technically, that's a variegated ficus.

It really...

Yes, hello. I'd like to report

the possession

of some illegal narcotics.

I can't believe I'm doing this,

blowing off my homework,

drinking and riding

in a stolen vehicle, no less.

God bless America.

You know, what you've done here,

it's pretty great.

Well, Farley's the one

who scooped out the pineapple.

Shut up. I mean here, this, Coolidge.

I don't know. People seem happier.

That's because

they're thinking for themselves.

They don't have some father figure

telling them what to do.

Oh, back to the father issues.

You know a little bit about mine.

-What about yours?

-Well, let's see.

My father's a sergeant.

His father was a sergeant.

He always wanted a son

who was an officer.

Guess I'm just trying to get it half right.

Yeah, but the real question is,

is this what makes you happy?

Family makes me happy. Tradition.

Tradition is something that keeps

greeting-card companies in business.

I think at some point you gotta say,

''I'm gonna do what I wanna do, Dad.

''So quit busting my balls.''

Yeah, I'll be sure to mention that when

I have dinner with him this weekend.

You might wanna leave out

the balls part.

We should have a toast.

-To Coolidge.

-To you.

To us.

Shall I take you home?

Actually, there's something

that I've heard about

that I've been dying to see.

My God, it's huge.

Well, Farley and I both live here.

Yu uses the hot tub.

I think this is the bigger than some of

the military housing I grew up in.

I think it's a lot like me.

Simple yet elegant. Coarse but refined,

and it could definitely use a woman's

touch.

I've always wanted to do that.

The amputated leg strikes again.

-Are your roommates around?

-I sent them to the movies.

-So they'll be back soon.

-I sent them to all the movies.

That's good.

With Dirk, I always felt like someone

was gonna break down the door.

Don't move!

Search the place.

Are you in some kind of trouble?

Either that, or the library has seriously

changed its overdue-book policy.

We got an anonymous tip

that there are some illegal narcotics

being hidden in the plant thingy.

There's nothing in the bag.

It's empty, sir.

False alarm.

You kids have a nice evening.

Oh, and don't forget to wrap it up.

What just happened?

What wrong with Colossus?

Damn, yo, that dog is mad blazed.

He must've eaten a whole pound.

Hey, don't be lookin' at me, man.

I keep my stuff right here.

Hydroponic.

You know,

messing with me is one thing,

but nobody screws my pooch.

It's Dirk. It's gotta be.

He's trying to get even with me

for breaking up with him.

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