Van Wilder: Freshman Year Page #5

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You two broke up?

Sorry to hear that.

I just can't believe he'd go this far.

I don't think he did.

I think old Dirky boy's playing

Vanna to someone else's Sajak.

And now it's our turn to spin the wheel.

What do you mean, he wasn't arrested?

We didn't find any drugs.

Officer, can you tell me why,

at such a fine institute

of higher learning,

I'm surrounded by idiots?

-It's time for your massage, sir.

-Send them in.

Get out. You're incompetent.

One? I usually have two girls.

Me no disappoint.

Holy Schwarzkopf.

Oh, yeah.

Hairy, hairy chest. I like it!

Hairy, hairy chest. I like it!

Hello. Is this Mrs. Reardon?

Big, strong Gl.

You know, you Charlie ain't so bad.

Shame we had to beat you in 'Nam.

-You want happy ending?

-Does an Arab sh*t in the sand?

-What's this?

-Not polite to watch, only to feel.

Why your soldier not stand at attention?

It will, it will.

Very good.

This is something you'll like very much!

I cannot wait very much.

Yeah.

Your soldier stand at attention now.

-You likey, likey?

-Oh, yeah, yeah.

-You ready for mouth massage?

-Bring it on.

Here it come.

Easy there, easy there.

-Feel good?

-Watch it.

Watch Huck and Buck, there.

No touching.

That feels good.

That is so hot.

Charles!

So dirty.

I promise I will never make you

do anything like that ever again.

Given the events of this afternoon,

there is only one thing

in the world that I want.

-A rabies shot, sir?

-No, God damn it!

I want Wilder.

He's turned my wife against me,

my school against me,

he even turned my dog against me.

Wish we could just kick him out!

There's gotta be some way

I could just force him to leave.

Oh, I would love to see the look

on his dad's face

when he finds out his son is expelled.

I would love to see the look

on Kaitlin's dad's face

when he realizes

that his daughter's new boyfriend

isn't joining the Army.

Will you shut the hell...

-Whose dad?

-Kaitlin's.

Lieutenant! I've got it.

We are gonna finish Wilder.

-And your former squeeze, too.

-Yes, sir!

In order to do that,

I have a very important mission for you.

I need you to find me some skanks.

Well, I'm sorry Kaitlin,

but it's your turn for guard duty.

No more special treatment.

Nothing personal, Corporal.

Just be there.

It's set. You think you can get

your friends to go along?

They'll do whatever I tell them to do.

Awesome.

Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God. Oh, Satan!

What? What are you doing? Don't stop!

Out of ammo.

Hand me your gun!

Ten-hut!

I taught him that.

What's wrong?

It's Dirk.

He knew I was going to dinner tonight

with my father,

and he deliberately

scheduled me for guard duty.

So don't go.

Van, guard duty isn't something

you can just shrug off.

If you miss it, or screw up,

it can ruin your career. It's serious.

Which is exactly how the boys

and I will treat it.

-You're gonna do it?

-Hey, I know it's not toilets,

but I think I can handle it.

What, don't you trust me?

I trust you.

But we have dates tonight! Hot ones!

Irving, trust me.

That sucking action is not realistic,

no matter what it says on the box.

I mean real dates this time, Van!

Hot ones.

-Human females?

-Hot ones.

Tell you what. They can come along.

Yes! Up, up, down, down, left,

right, left, right, B, A, start!

Now, what exactly are we guarding?

You will not get inside

Colonel Reardon's Humvee.

You do not touch the Humvee.

You do not look at the Humvee.

Then how are we supposed

to guard them?

You do not look at the Humvee!

Now,

this guard duty better come out

smooth as a bran muffin sh*t,

or somebody's gonna have their ass

handed to 'em.

Any questions?

Will you be the one

doing the ass handling?

Don't worry, Wilder. Yours is coming.

I am really starting to like that guy.

-So, how's college?

-It's great.

I'm taking a lot of interesting courses.

Military history, psychology...

You know, Dirk called me the other day.

Said you had broken up with him.

Yeah, well,

I met somebody else.

He a military man?

He respects the military.

Ladies.

Irving! You invited the ''dick'' girls?

This is a bad idea.

Van, don't be such a dork.

Howdy, heathen.

Well, honey, with school and Dirk,

and everything that's been

going on around here,

I just wanna know one thing. Are you...

-Yes, Dad. I'm happy.

-That's great.

But are you still on track

for officer training school?

Listen, guys.

Maybe we should slow down

just a little bit.

I am Mars, god of war!

Who amongst you shall engage

in body shots?

Hey, soldier! Wanna f***?

No. Thank you.

I do anal.

Corporal Hayes.

As you were, as you were.

I was on the other side

of the restaurant. I didn't see you.

It's a pleasure to meet you, sir.

The pleasure's all mine, Sergeant.

I didn't realize Miss Hayes

came from such good stock.

Well, hopefully she will climb

a bit higher up the ladder than I did, sir.

I have no doubt, Sergeant.

Kaitlin is officer material all the way.

Her record is flawless.

Say, you're about done here.

I was just heading back to the base.

Would you like a tour? You could see

your daughter's unit in action.

I don't think that's such a good idea.

-I'd love to, sir.

-Dad!

I'm really proud of you. Love to see it.

Come on. Show off for your old man.

Let's go.

-Please?

-Okay.

-You're gonna enjoy this.

-Thank you, sir.

Oh, you know what? I forgot my purse,

so I'll meet you outside, okay?

-All right.

-Okay.

You know what I wanna do to you?

Leave me alone permanently?

Hey, watch that! Hey, stop... Hey!

No means no.

Come on, Van. Pick up.

Miss Hayes.

Shall we?

You're about to be very proud

about what you'll see.

What in God's name...

Kaitlin, this is your unit?

For the last time, no!

Van?

You must be Kaitlin's father.

Corporal Hayes, I thought you were

a better leader than this.

I thought you were officer material.

Do you understand

what the consequences of this will be?

-Colonel Reardon, I...

-She will accept

any punishment you deem fit, sir.

Wait. I can explain.

Kaitlin, let me explain.

-That a boy, Dirk.

-My pleasure, sir.

Let's go, Kaitlin.

Now.

You're disgusting.

Call me.

You realize it's my duty

to make a report of this.

Gonna put a pretty big stain

on her pretty little record.

But it's about time you learn there are

some people you don't f*** with.

What do you want from me?

Isn't it obvious?

I want you gone, out, quit.

Running home to Daddy

with your tail between your legs.

What if I say no?

Well, then I guess Miss Hayes'

military career will be coming

to a rather premature and ignoble end.

Tell you what.

Having some people over

for dinner tomorrow night

to discuss our annual war games.

Why don't you give me

your decision then?

Good seeing you.

A Wilder never quits.

So I said, ''I've got some

affirmative action for you.

''I can affirm that your dumbass kid

won't be getting

''any action at my school.''

Yo!

Cap'n Crunch!

I've made my decision.

I've decided we should settle this,

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