Van Wilder: Freshman Year Page #6

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once and for all.

Like men. No more sneaking,

no more backstabbing.

Let's just get it all right out in the open.

I'm sorry, I don't know

what you're talking about.

You've got a problem with my father,

a problem with my name,

and that's too bad.

But I'll be damned

if I'm gonna sit around and let you

and your little peons

flush this school down the toilet

and hurt the people I care about,

because, even though you dragged her

into this,

this has never really been

about Kaitlin, who,

on her worst day, will be a better officer

than you ever were.

That girI's got bigger balls than you, me,

and my freakish dog combined.

I have had enough

of these little games, Wilder.

Get out.

Games?

You wanna play games?

How about

one of your precious little war games?

Loser leaves Coolidge. For good.

What do you think about that?

I think you're in

for an old-fashioned ass-kicking, son.

If I was your son, I'd kick my own ass.

I'm sorry.

You're finished, Wilder. Finished.

Miss Hayes,

in light of Mr. Wilder's behavior

I am going to remove

last night's incident from your record,

and I am giving you

my official recommendation

for officer training school.

Thank you, sir.

But I'm afraid I'll have to decline.

The officer training school

only accepts those who have

received the most honorable training.

Your name on my recommendation

would render me ineligible.

In other words, sir, go f*** yourself!

Kaitlin!

Kaitlin.

I blew it, Dad. I'm so sorry.

-He's right.

-What?

Kaitlin, I wanted you to be a soldier.

I still do.

But if getting there means having

to march in a line that's crooked,

then it ain't worth a damn.

You don't join the Army to follow.

You join it to lead.

And the only way to lead

is to do what's right.

That's my girl.

None of this is gonna work.

We need a man who actually knows

what the hell he's doing.

How about a woman?

Kaitlin, I swear to God,

I never touched her.

Okay? It was man rape.

Save it. I only wanna know one thing.

Are you ready to enter an alliance,

neighbor?

It seems he is.

Okay, enough of the soft stuff.

Reardon's got us outnumbered

five to one,

so there's no way

we can take him head on.

We're gonna fight him

on our own terms.

What do we do?

We do the only thing you guys

know how to do. We have fun.

Anyone who loses an armband

will be considered captured.

Whoever captures

the other team's general wins.

Reardon's Raiders, who's your general?

Charles Stonewall Reardon, sir!

Your team will wear the yellow bands.

Team Maverick, who's your general?

That would be me.

How's it hanging, Chuck? You miss me?

Hey.

Your team will wear the orange bands.

The game begins

when you hear the siren.

I hope you're prepared, gentlemen.

Someone's going home today.

All right, let's listen up.

First squad, take the left flank,

past the lake. Second squad, right flank.

Third squad, head on.

And our recon team,

well, let's just say

they have a head start.

Lieutenant Arnold will stay with me.

Corporal Benedict,

you'll guard the Humvee.

All right, men, there's the siren.

Now, let's get these bastards!

-Raiders!

-Raiders!

Colonel, we got recon

on the radio for you.

Recon, report. Can you see their base?

-I have a visual, sir.

-What's going on?

-Shots, sir.

-Jesus Christ, they're firing at us?

No, sir. Jell-O shots.

I repeat, Jell-O shots.

They've got the blast!

-They've got explosives?

-No, sir.

The Jell-O shots with a blueberry blast.

It's my favorite, sir.

What the hell's he talking about?

Sounds like they're having a goddamn...

Party!

So, where did all this sand come from?

Thank Sheik Mohammad.

Who?

-How we doing?

-We're up.

Give Reardon the feed.

Recon report.

Sir. Something's happening

with the monitor.

Testing, testing, check, check, hello.

I'm sorry, they can't come

to the phone right now.

Would you like to leave a message?

How the hell did you eliminate my men?

Chuck, "eliminate" is such an ugly word.

Van Wilder rules!

You tell first squad to move in.

And have Benedict on standby

with my Humvee.

Corporal Benedict!

Yes, sir!

Stand by for deployment.

Yes, sir.

You heard him!

Stand by for deployment!

That way!

Hey, guys!

Come skinny-dipping!

What the hell?

I seen this in a porno once.

-Have you seen this before?

-Don't be scared.

Jump in, baby.

Wait for me!

First squad, report! Report, damn it!

Sorry about your troops, Chuck,

but they decided to make love,

not war.

Son of a b*tch.

Gotta conga.

Hello!

-Sir, we found their general.

-I hooked myself into a sand trap.

Well, don't just stand there,

capture him, you jackass!

Grab him!

Give me the armband, General.

I told you it was a sand trap.

Ladies.

I still got it.

Well, did they get him?

Not exactly.

-Permission to get angry, sir.

-Denied.

Denied!

Wet your whistle?

Where the hell is third squad?

They should've been there by now.

Hey, Chuck! I just wanna let you know,

third squad took a little detour.

God damn you, Wilder!

Well, what are you doing

just standing there?

Why don't you pussies get out there

and get me Van Wilder?

-Go!

-Get out there! Move! Move!

I can't feel my hair anymore, man.

That means it's working.

I wouldn't go any farther if I were you.

Yeah, who's gonna stop us? You?

Exactly.

Is that all you've got?

-I'll go after them, sir.

-No!

Get me Corporal Benedict.

We'll take the Humvee

and run right over 'em.

You're a genius.

Corporal Benedict.

Corporal Benedict!

Dirk, have I ever told you

I love you, man?

We all love you. Yeah!

-What?

-It's so soft, sir.

Have you felt the helmets?

Rub your helmet with me, it's so soft.

You f***ing fruitcake!

-What was that?

-Don't ask, don't tell.

Okay, Chuck. We got your boys.

Why don't you and little Dirky

surrender and join the party?

Never. Surrender? Surrender?

I'd rather see my uncle naked again.

It was an accident.

If you want me, Wilder,

you have to come and get me.

-Shall we?

-Let's.

Get out there and stop them! Now! Go!

He's a little pissant!

Let me go with you.

Sorry, Dad, but this is one fight

I need to finish on my own.

-Go get him.

-Let's do it.

There's the base!

Kaitlin.

I knew you'd come back for me.

What do you say? I go high, you go low?

No. This a**hole's all mine. Go.

-You sure?

-Yep, I got it.

Come to papa, honeybear.

You got nothin'.

-I could do this all day.

-That'd be a first.

Your hair smells really nice.

What is that, Essence of Traitor?

-Not so fast.

-Chuck.

Get up.

Hot stuff.

You smell good.

Wish you fought this hard

in the bedroom.

See, this is why women will never

make it in the military.

You got nothing between your legs.

Sh*t!

Yeah? Well, that makes two of us,

honeybear.

Nice BB gun.

I got one just like it at home.

Maybe not.

Let me tell you what's wrong

with you Wilders.

You think you can change the world

just because people like you.

Well, here's a tip, son,

people are like cockroaches.

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