Van Wilder: Freshman Year Page #7

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You crush a few, the rest will scatter.

-I'm sorry, what? I was texting.

-Funny.

-I'm sorry, what? I was texting.

-Funny.

But the last laugh is mine.

God damn dog!

Like I said, nobody screws my pooch.

Sit!

Good boy.

Orange team wins!

Wilder, this isn't over.

And if you think I'm quitting,

you are screwed in the head.

Hey! Listen up! I am doubling security!

And I am rewriting the rule book!

I'm gonna make the old Coolidge

look like Candy Land!

And you can't stop me.

No. But he can.

Thomas, what the hell are you doing?

You can't side with him.

-He's not one of us.

-You made your bed, soldier.

Now you're gonna have

to sleep in it. Officer!

-Get him out of here.

-Hey, I'm not going anywhere.

Remember who stamps your paycheck.

-Are you resisting arrest?

-You're damned right I am!

Thank you.

This is for putting up with your bullshit.

And this

is for denying my kid's admission.

How affirmative is that action, b*tch?

Corporal, those were about some of the

most outrageous tactics I've ever seen.

I'll be sure to note that

in my recommendation

for officer training school.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I believe I'll engage in a body shot.

I'm proud of you, Son.

-Hey.

-Hey.

Van, I'd like you to meet

Stephen Walker, my head of security.

Mr. Wilder, I'm hereby tendering

my resignation for this assignment.

Very good.

It's been the utmost pleasure

working with you, sir.

-Yeah.

-Great work, Steve.

I'll see you back

at the office, all right? Good.

-Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!

-Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!

Yeah!

-So, what do you think?

-About what?

Oh, I think you've proven yourself here.

Wanna come to work with me?

Actually, I've been giving it

a lot of thought,

and I've decided to stay in school.

A smart man once told me that tradition

is something you just don't break.

Write that down.

Let's go.

-So, you wanna get out of here?

-And miss the party?

Trust me.

There'll be more.

Wait, where's that batti boy, Dirk?

Sir, I don't mean to alarm you,

but something's about to come up.

What do you mean, something's about...

-Stand down, Corporal!

-I can't.

Stand...

Remember when I said the best things

in life are worth waiting for?

-Yeah.

-I think I've waited long enough.

Van!

Van, what are you doing? Put that away.

You're insane. Not here.

Now, all this stuff

you've heard about Coolidge

not wanting to party

is a lot of doggy dung.

-Stand down.

-I can't.

I'm flanking your ass.

Do you have any poison?

-You're tearing it.

-Oh, my God.

I'm gonna need stitches.

With some testosterone-pumping,

pituitary-f***ing Neanderthal,

well, then, they are 100...

F*** me.

F***, that scared me!

-Let's f***!

-That's weird. Okay.

Take her shirt off, grab the boob.

Cut!

It's a challenge to...

Now, I'm not saying

this is gonna be easy.

Some of us may fall,

so that all of us may ball.

Oh, easy there, easy.

Those are big, old colonel balls, honey.

This a new experience for you?

Yeah. I usually use my old balls.

Big old, colonel,

big, round, colonel balls.

Hey, when I'm off camera,

I'm just gonna show 'em my old balls!

You gotta admit, though,

this is kind of romantic.

Hey, watch those teeth.

Or take 'em out before you do anything.

Who's my big, bad boy?

-I'm your big, bad boy.

-There you go.

Oh, God. I haven't been this

uncomfortable since Catholic school.

''Feel good, yeah?'' Feels good.

That's how you'd say it,

but I say ''feels good.''

You know my spot, Lieutenant.

Holy sh*t! That thing pops!

College is a team.

It lives, eats, drinks, and if you're lucky,

humps, as a team.

I love the smell of gasoline

in the morning.

Yummy, yum, yeah.

You wanna go back to my house

and eat some yogurt

and watch Mean Girls?

Yeah, Mean Girls is all right,

but the guy in it sucks.

I think he's dreamy.

He scheduled me for guard duty.

What?

So, you wanna go back

to my house, grab a bottle of shiraz

-and maybe flip on The Hills?

-No. I hate those b*tches.

He knew I was going to dinner

tonight with...

I think Brody Jenner's your competition

for Jaw Line of the Year.

I just... I'm gonna jerk off right here.

Pull it out,

and just jerk off right in front of you.

Is that okay?

You lick my dick 'cause you like taste.

Turn around, turn around.

You motherf***er, a**hole dick-licker!

I've got 13 Going on 30.

I've seen it. I'll watch it again.

-Ruffalo's bomb.

-Yeah, he's awesome in that.

You a**hole dick-licker!

Could be like this. You and me always.

What do you say, once we get loose,

we find a little pup tent

and f*** for a week?

Robert Levy's not paying me

enough to show my penis.

-Is that sweat?

-No, that's pre-cum.

You gotta eat dirt

before you drink champagne.

Sometimes you have got to stand up

as a man

before you can lie down with a woman.

You gotta get your guard on

before your hard-on.

Nothing? You know... Hold on a second.

Wait. Hold on.

What do you tell a woman

with two black eyes?

Nothing. You already told her twice.

Hand me your gun.

I can't quit you.

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