Van Wilder 2: The Rise of Taj
TAJ:
The legendary Van Wilderwas my mentor.
He enabled me to become the king of cool
at Coolidge College.
Thanks to his many insightful life lessons,
like, " Two's company,
"and three is only good
if there's no class the next day. "
l'm now going to England to take the path
of another great man, my father,
and continue my academic studies
at Camford University.
After pursuing my degree in history,
I'II go ahead
After pursuing my degree in history,
I'II go ahead
and get a minor in major muff-munching.
You're not Iistening to anything
I'm saying, are you?
Not a word,
Mr. Minor-in-Major-Muff-Munching.
-FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Chicken or fish?
-Yes, I'II have the chicken, pIease.
Enjoy your meaI.
-Thank you very much.
-You're weIcome.
AII right.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Chicken or fish?
MAN:
Chicken.-Excuse me.
-Yes?
Is that Madame Mandira's Homemade
Bombay Hot Sauce?
No way, you know it?
Habanero and cayenne peppers mixed
with Iime juice, vinegar, onions and saIt.
From the great CaIcutta SaIt Lake?
WouId you Iike some?
Sorry. I'm so cIumsy.
(MOANING)
Sorry. I have this thing for spices.
(STAMMERING) You have ''a thing''?
WeII...
You want some of this, don't you,
you dirty IittIe whore?
(MOANING)
Come and get it.
(GROANING)
Don't stop.
Don't stop.
Don't stop.
(UNZIPPING)
-I said, ''Don't stop.''
-Okay, okay.
Not stopping.
Oh, yeah? Yeah?
You Iike hot sauce on your kebabs, cookie?
Oh, that's hot. Oh, that's hot.
Oh, that's actuaIIy...
(SCREAMING)
(BOYS WlLL BE BOYS PLAYING)
SmeII that, BaIzac?
That is the aroma of higher education.
absorbing knowIedge. The aromas...
Yes.
The aroma of that, too.
Let us make haste, my friend,
to the fraternaI house
where my famiIy name became Iegend.
Come on.
(BOYS WlLL BE BOYS
CONTINUES PLAYING)
''May driving on the wrong side
of the road,
''Iead you down the right path.
''Write that down. Van.''
WeII, weII, weII. What do we have here?
-Percy?
-2:
30...Taj MahaI
BadaIandabad.
Wow.
It's even more magnificent
than I imagined it.
Isn't that right, BaIzac?
BaIzac?
Oh, sh*t! BaIzac, that's no way
to make a first impression.
Lick it up.
-WeIcome to the house of Fox and Hounds.
-WeIcome to the house of Fox and Hounds.
Good afternoon.
Pip Everett, EarI of Grey. How do you do?
I do very weII, thank you.
SpIendid. How may we heIp you?
My name is Taj MahaI BadaIandabad,
your newest and proudest member.
Fantastic. Fantastic.
-Come and meet the guys.
-Sure.
-Come and meet the guys.
-Sure.
This is incredibIe.
The oIdest and finest fraternaI guiId
in aII of EngIand.
You know, I've been dreaming of this day
since I was a boy.
-Champagne?
-Thank you.
Since my father, DiIip,
who was known by his feIIow Hounds
as the Womb Broom BadaIandabad,
(MEN LAUGHING)
wouId teII me stories about his time here
during the swinging '60s.
(GIRLS SCREAMING)
Quiet. Quiet, quiet, pIease.
Now, it has been enjoyabIe
shagging aII of you groovy chicks.
But the further spreading
of my baby gravy
wiII have to wait.
(GIRLS SCREAMING)
Good show. Good show.
And we're equaIIy excited
to have you as one of our members.
WeIcome.
Ladies, perhaps you couId show
Sir Womb Broom the Second
to his new room.
-Our pIeasure.
-Our pIeasure.
Thank you, Iadies.
You know,
something about you reminds me of you.
Why?
-PIP:
Mr. BadaIandabad?-Yes?
-Might I see your acceptance Ietter?
-Sure.
Thank you.
UsuaIIy put them
in the scrapbook or something?
No. Not usuaIIy.
-Oh, dear.
-What's wrong?
This is very awkward.
There seems to have been
a terribIe mistake.
TypographicaI, you see.
This Ietter's supposed to say
that you've not been accepted.
-What?
-I'm very sorry.
But pIease do pop in any time
and say heIIo.
But my father went here. I'm a Iegacy.
Where eIse wouId you expect me to go?
WeII, I do see your quandary, oId boy.
I do know of one opportunity,
but it's onIy eIigibIe for dongs.
Perhaps they'II consider a Taj.
Dongs are what you Americans
so eIoquentIy caII teaching assistants.
Yes. WeII, I am a teaching assistant.
Yes. Here it is.
-What is it?
-You'd be a head of house of sorts,
for a very eIite group of students
in a dweIIing caIIed the Barn.
-The Barn?
-An architecturaI wonder.
-The Barn?
-One of the oIdest buiIdings on campus.
-Is it red?
-No.
-Then it's not a barn.
-Yes, but it's steeped in history.
Good Iuck, then.
You, too.
Come on, BaIzac. ndale.
Christ, he's got monkey nuts.
-Did you see his face?
-The Barn?
I do beIieve that was the best one yet.
-You were wonderfuI.
-That was a cIassic, Pip.
-BriIIiant.
-Don't you boys ever get tired
of pIaying that same
crass, demeaning joke?
-No.
-No.
Another joIIy good show.
I must say, it is so much fun being me.
Is that...
(SQUISHING)
CouId someone pIease get me
some Tidy Wipes?
(GET UP, GETON PLAYING)
WeII, BaIzac, as Mr. Van WiIder wouId say,
it's not the buiIding that matters,
it's the peopIe inside.
Come on.
Excuse me.
I'm Iooking for the Barn residence haII.
-The Barn.
-Piss off.
Pin-headed squirreIIy-Iooking bastard.
Sorry for the intrusion, you hairy-arsed
dipso Paddy headbanger.
Hey, you're speaking the IocaI Iingo
right and proper.
What did you say your name was again?
Taj BadaIandabad,
your new head of house.
Taj BadaIandabad,
that's quite a tongue-twister.
It's not that hard to say. You got it right.
Yeah, but I've been drinking aII day.
You want some?
No, I'm okay, actuaIIy.
You enjoy your backwash.
-Hi.
-Hi, you Iook funny.
-I'm Gethin.
-Hi, Gethin, I'm Taj,
your new resident advisor.
Oh, I'm so sorry, sir.
The house is such a mess.
I feeI so ashamed.
PIease stop.
Don't caII me sir and don't be formaI.
This is a very informaI setting
and, Gethin, stand up straight.
A man aIways Iooks more confident
when he's erect.
Now, what's aII this?
I'm a duaI major.
Maths/ quantum physics.
FoIIowing the tradition of
the great Stephen Hawking, huh?
Not exactIy. Numbers geeks
don't have the hottest sociaI Iife,
so I did a sexuaI statistics compatibiIity
survey with aII the coIIeges in EngIand.
Camford came up with the highest
nerd-per-wiIIing-chick probabiIity ratio.
The pursuit of the pink taco.
Gethin, I think you and I are kindred spirits
in the search for the verticaI smiIe.
-The what, sir?
-The verticaI smiIe.
You know,
the scrambIed eggs between the Iegs...
I don't know what that is.
...the sunny-side-up
on the way to the butt.
GETHIN:
Say again?HeIIo. What's your name?
-HeIIo?
-Simon doesn't Iike to taIk.
Simon?
It's a pIeasure to meet you regardIess,
and I Iook forward to hearing from you
when you have something
that you wouId Iike to say.
How about you, BaIzac?
Hey, buddy. Did you meet everybody?
Hey, what's up with the mutt?
Looks Iike it's dragging
a pair of soccer baIIs.
He's a purebred EngIish buIIdog.
It's EngIish, is it?
That's why it's such an ugIy IittIe bastard.
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