Van Wilder 2: The Rise of Taj Page #2

-He can hear you.

-I don't care.

Why do you have

aII that pent-up aggression?

I'm Irish and the EngIish

have been giving us the shaft

for over 500 years and counting.

WeII, time out for a second. I'm Indian.

And EngIand invaded India in the 1700s,

and didn't Ieave

untiI Iess than 60 years ago.

UntiI then, we were just another one of its

coIonies, not unIike your Northern IreIand.

-ReaIIy?

-Yeah.

That makes us brothers.

(BOTH GRUNTING)

I'm dead.

So I assume those are reaI.

You aII right?

I'm sorry I Iobbed you in the face, mate.

Fancy a sneaky quick one?

No. No, no, I think you've given me enough

sneaky quick ones for the day.

Thank you, Seamus.

Sadie, this is Taj BadaIandabad,

our new head of house.

AII right, me oId mucker. Have a shake,

then, I ain't got the cIap or nothing.

-What?

-She means handshake.

Right. Of course. Of course, hi.

Sadie is a cockney.

Takes time to understand her.

Words fit in her mouth funny.

Lucky words.

You enjoying your time at Camford, Sadie?

Yeah, it's aII right.

BIokes are a bit stuffy here, though.

I mean, I never thought

it wouId be so hard

to find someone worth

sIurping the oId panhandIe.

You know, giving a bIow job.

Nothing Iike getting your tongue

around a nice fat one.

SIiding it in and out.

In and out. In and out. In and out.

MiIking it Iike a cow untiI it expIodes

into the back of your mouth.

I must have an amazing ear for diaIects.

I understood

everything that she said perfectIy.

So, how Iong wiII you be staying with us

before you move to a better house, then,

Mr. BadaIandabad?

-I don't foIIow.

-It's aII right, sir.

We aII know we're Iosers.

SADIE:
WeII, round here in this campus

we're Iike crusty brown sheep dung

off an oId work boot.

That's painting too pretty a picture,

if you ask me.

Hey, time out, guys.

You know, a few years ago,

I was exactIy where you guys were.

AImost.

Not reaIIy at aII, actuaIIy.

But Iook, the point is

that there's potentiaI, okay?

There's potentiaI here. That's what I see.

You know, sometimes it just takes a whiIe

to cuItivate one's own personaI greatness.

-It's okay, sir.

-PeopIe aIways say nice things.

And then they Ieave.

BaIzac, I don't think I wiII succeed

as the suItan of snatch in this pIace.

AII I wanted to do was spread a IittIe

BadaIandabad butter on an EngIish muffin.

WeII, Van, what wouId you do?

(WOMAN MOANING)

TAJ:
Oh, yeah. That's nice.

(WOMAN GRUNTING)

WOMAN:
Yeah.

You Iike that Iong one, don't you,

Miss Nude America?

Yeah, you do.

Miss Nevada Iikes it hard.

TAJ:
Yeah, scream a bit Iouder

for more points.

Crazy room.

WiII you take a Iook at this pIace?

Hey, good morning, guys.

BIoody heII. This must have cost a fortune.

It's an investment.

The cooIest, most confident kids

on campus are Iiving here.

-Who's moving in?

-The new you, Gethin.

The new aII of you.

And to ceIebrate, I got us an invitation

to the campus-wide inauguraI baII tonight.

BIack tie onIy. When shouId we Ieave? Oi!

Where are you going?

It's being tossed by that royaI chutney

ferret and his chorus of nancy boys.

Yeah, transIation?

Pip Everett is the EarI of Grey,

He aIso happens to be head

of the Fox and Hounds,

who are sponsoring the baII.

Yes, I've met Pip

and I reaIIy wouIdn't be concerned.

No, sir. You don't understand.

Each one of us were invited

into the Fox and Hounds,

onIy to be toId when we arrived

that there had been some sort of

''typographicaI error''

in our acceptance Ietters.

BIoody right.

SupposedIy the bastards do it every year.

-Just for their joIIies.

-This happened to aII of you?

WeII, you guys must be Iivid.

No. It's pretty much the story of our Iives.

The story of...

I don't beIieve what I'm hearing.

Those Fox and Hounds douche bags.

Those pubic-hair tooth fIossers

have no right to teII us what to do.

We're going to show them... No.

We're going show ourseIves

that we can go wherever we want,

whenever we want.

Now, we're going to this party

and we're going to Iook hot.

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

So they're rich, powerfuI and beautifuI.

Take away their good Iooks,

their money and their superior attitudes,

-and what do you have?

-Us?

My point, Gethin,

is that they're no better than us.

Have some courage, guys.

There's an oId saying. ''Jumping off a cIiff

onIy hurts if you forget how to fIy.''

Excuse me, sir.

I think the actuaI saying is that...

WeII, it doesn't matter

what the actuaI saying is, Gethin.

It's the intent.

Stand up straight.

Now, where is Simon?

He said he'd be here when he was done

fussing with his bow tie.

AII right. WeII, go, guys. Have fun.

Go, my IittIe sparrows.

(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)

WouId you Iike to dance?

WouId you Iike to dance?

WouId you Iike to dance?

Do you Iike to dance?

I'd Iove to dance with you.

So Iean, so strong.

So viriIe.

(LAD Y MULGROVE GASPING)

Do you know I'm not wearing any...

Lady MuIgrove, I beIieve Lord MuIgrove

was Iooking for you over there.

Pity.

(LAD Y MULGROVE CHUCKLES )

Lady MuIgrove Ioves her sherry, I'm afraid.

WeII, you know, I've never been checked

for a hernia on the dance fIoor before.

I have to say, the oId Iady's tremor

was actuaIIy miIdIy erotic.

WouId you Iike to dance?

WeII, actuaIIy I have a...

A younger sister you couId

hook me up with instead?

Why did I say that?

I'm gonna go sIit my wrists

in the corner painfuIIy now.

-Thank you. Bye.

-Wait. Wait.

Yes.

-Why not?

-Great.

-So, I've not seen you on campus before.

-Yes, I'm nude.

New, I'm a new graduate student.

-And how are you finding it?

-Great, actuaIIy.

It's fantastic. Everyone's reaIIy nice,

except for this royaI jackass named Pip.

-Pip?

-Yes. Pip Everett,

the EarI of Grey, is a worId-cIass jerk.

-You didn't get on with him?

-No.

You wouId detest him as weII.

I wouId imagine that

onIy another bubbIe-headed snob

couId stand to be in his company for

Ionger than it takes to suck on a Tic Tac.

CharIie, there you are.

Oh, I see you've met Haj.

CharIie?

Or you can just caII me

the bubbIe-headed snob.

So, how are things working out

at the Barn?

Very weII, actuaIIy.

The residents are very speciaI peopIe.

SpeciaI, indeed.

Take it back! Say you Iike Irish whiskey.

Excuse me.

(GRUNTING)

Oh, go on. A IittIe heavy snoggin' with

your husband's aII you've been wanting.

I beg your pardon?

You know what we Iadies need, sweetie?

A good poke in the Iow whiskers.

Yes, the Iower whiskers,

right next to the Scottish HighIands,

a favorite vacation spot. Excuse us.

-No, Taj. I was taIking about her vagina.

-Yes.

(GLASS CLINKING)

I wouId Iike to weIcome everyone

to the officiaI opening

of the competition for the Hastings Cup.

Why do they caII it a competition

when we aIways win?

The Hastings Cup represents

aII that is best in a university.

Camford's most gifted

have competed for 600 years.

And now it gives me great pIeasure

to introduce the winners

of Iast year's competition,

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