Van Wilder 2: The Rise of Taj Page #3

the Foxes and the Hounds.

Thank you, sir.

On behaIf of my feIIow members,

I'd Iike to wish the other houses

the best of Iuck

on this year's competition.

May the best Iads win.

(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)

Don't Iet that IittIe Indian feIIow

put you down, CharIie.

He's hardIy worth putting a frown

on your beautifuI face.

Why was he upset with you?

I think he was rejected

from the Fox and Hounds the other day.

Poor bIoke was devastated.

You know, perhaps I'II have a word.

Cheer him up.

You're sweet.

It's aII part of being an earI, my dear.

Constructive criticism.

Seamus, we need to work

on your anger management skiIIs.

Sadie, cIose your Iegs.

We just need to figure out

exactIy how much you can drink.

And, Gethin...

Oh, Gethin, sit up straight...

PIP:
Excuse me, Raji.

-My name is Taj.

-I don't care.

I just wanted to share

a IittIe tidbit with you.

When my great-great-grandfather,

Rupert Everett the Third,

became the first governor

of the Indian coIony,

he aIso took on a band of pet monkeys.

But he used to keep his outside.

There's the door.

PIease make sure it hits aII of you

on the way out.

-Oh, Poop?

-It's Pip.

I know. A friend of mine used to say

that if you can't join them, beat them.

You might want to write that down.

Hi, Iadies and gentIemen.

I am Taj MahaI BadaIandabad

-What the heII is he doing?

-...and I have an important

-HoIy crap. He's gone bIeeding mad.

-...announcement.

And in the spirit of the inauguraI baII,

I wouId Iike to announce the formation of

a new fraternaI house, commencing now.

Ladies and gentIemen, pIease get

your first Iook at the smart, the sexy,

the very IiteraI-minded,

wearing bIack tie onIy,

Cock and BuIIs.

(PEOPLE GASPING)

(PEOPLE LAUGHING)

GETHIN:
We'II never be abIe to show

our faces again.

We're the Iaughingstock

of the whoIe bIoody schooI.

To heII with the Iot of them.

What is with the Iack of seIf-image?

You know, we have the potentiaI

to be the best house on this campus.

And I wouId go so far as to say

that we couId even win

the Hastings Cup this year.

How the heII couId we win the cup?

Seamus, winning the cup

is based on accumuIating points

in academics, athIetics and sociaI services.

-Now, Gethin here exceIs...

-SEAMUS:
HoId on, hoId on, hoId on.

I'm a banged-up rugby pIayer,

she's a sausage jockey

for the price of a pint

Oi! And dinner.

...and he's got the bIeeding personaIity

of a toaster oven.

...and he's got the bIeeding personaIity

of a toaster oven.

So, you've decided to accept defeat

before you've even tried, huh?

What if CoIumbus had done that

just because of a bout with seasickness?

Or if Babe Ruth had decided to waIk off

after his first rookie season

just because of a IittIe syphiIis?

Or what if Ravi Shankar had decided

to give up the sitar

just because he knew he'd be abIe get

a Iot more chooch pIaying the guitar?

You guys, society has aIways stifIed

those with great minds.

I beIieve in you.

And you shouId too.

Now,

to the Cock and BuIIs.

I said, to the Cock and BuIIs.

ALL:
To the Cock and BuIIs.

TAJ:
To the Cock and BuIIs.

-To the Cock and BuIIs.

-To the Cock and BuIIs.

To the Cock and BuIIs!

Why do you insist

on manipuIating the tabIe Iike that

with the fist, coming down?

-Morning.

-Morning.

You know,

I was rather wonderfuI Iast night, wasn't I?

I was here, too, you know.

No, not the sex, siIIy. I was taIking

about our dinner with Lord Wrightwood.

How do you think it went?

WeII, you fawned over his every word.

I haIf expected you to get up

from the tabIe and kiss his arse.

I thought it went weII, too.

And after graduation,

I'm sure he'II be happy to obIige me

with a recommendation

for a dipIomatic position.

Pip, cIass isn't for an hour.

Come back to bed for a bit.

But I haven't done my exercises yet.

-And I have to exfoIiate.

-I can put a gIow on your cheeks.

CharIie, heIIo. We did it Iast night.

Wednesday. Our night.

I don't understand

why we have to have a night.

Why can't we just do it

whenever we feeI Iike it?

Because we're British

and we controI ourseIves.

CharIie, I have a busy scheduIe.

And I'd rather not teII peopIe

I have no energy

because I was off fornicating aII night.

Now, which shirt do you Iike better?

Mauve or turbot? I Iike the mauve.

But it is difficuIt with my jaw Iine.

TAJ:
''We have this day given order

''to our ChanceIIor of the United Kingdom

and our ChanceIIor of IreIand,

''that they do respectiveIy

upon notice here

''of forewith issues of writ

effective immediateIy

''that pigs and chickens

wiII no Ionger be toIerated

''in the House of Commons.''

WouId anyone Iike to comment

on the House of the Lords journaI

voIume 64, August 1832?

Yeah. Me, neither.

God, this is boring.

Everybody rip out page 32.

-Sir?

-You heard me.

Everybody rip out page 32.

You've seen Dead Poets Society.

Rip out page 32.

Come on, if you don't rip out page 32,

I'II faiI aII of you.

Yes!

God, these things are so oId,

they're petrified.

You know what, just throw

the whoIe damn thing out the window.

I think he's pIumb sauced, he is.

Sir, I don't think throwing books out

is such a good idea.

Yes, there you go, Seamus.

See, everybody do that,

and send these books back to the 1800s

where they beIong.

-Come on, Gethin.

-No, I can't.

Haven't you ever heard of the expression

''in with the oId, out with the new''?

Yes, sir.

But I think the actuaI expression is...

Oh, it doesn't matter

what the actuaI expression is, Gethin.

Why are you thinking

when you shouId be throwing?

EjacuIate your book.

Yeah, go on, Gethie. Get over it.

Give it a throw, Iimey.

Come on, Gethin. Expunge 20 years

of oppression out the window.

(EX CLAIMING)

(GLASS SHATTERS )

Mr. BadaIandabad,

might I see you out in the haII?

CertainIy.

Excuse me, cIass.

Why don't you aII read chapter two

whiIe I'm gone?

But we haven't got any books.

Have you gone

compIeteIy and utterIy mad?

I don't know how you did things

at CooIidge CoIIege.

-You've been checking on me.

-Yes. And, frankIy, I'm concerned.

And as your supervisor,

it's my job to make sure that there's...

Wait, wait, wait. You're my supervisor?

WeII, I... Let me just say then that

I am so enthused to be under you.

What I mean is that I'm extremeIy hard.

Hard-pressed to...

Mr. BadaIandabad,

it reaIIy doesn't even matter

what you think of me or of the textbooks.

Because if you wish to receive

your doctorate from this university,

you'II have to foIIow the ruIes

set forth by...

By men who what?

Who wore funny boxer shorts

and garter beIts and died decades ago?

Who never saw a man waIk on the moon

or Iistened to LiI' Kim on an MP3 pIayer

or watched muff-to-muff

tripIe-penetration cooch-munching

-on the internet?

-What does that have to do with anything?

Okay. Maybe, that was a bit much.

I'm sorry.

But my point, Miss Higginson,

is that there is more than one way

to skin a mongoose.

History can be about so much more

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