Van Wilder 2: The Rise of Taj Page #4

than random dates and ancient artifacts.

It can teach us about ourseIves.

About our fIaws, our hopes,

even our dreams.

And aII I'm saying, Mr. BadaIandabad,

is that at this university,

there's onIy one way to skin a mongoose.

And it's my way.

Good day.

ANNOUNCER:
Ladies and gentlemen,

welcome to the opening event

of seven competitions

between our five fraternal houses

for the Hastings Cup.

They're bIeeding huge.

Guys, come on, it's badminton.

The game is pIayed with a Iimp wrist.

How hard couId it be?

(THUDDING)

Simon.

You were saying?

Okay. It is probabIy safe to assume

that we wiII probabIy not

emerge victorious from this match.

However, it's very important

that we maintain our dignities.

Gethin, just get the serve in.

-Fine.

-I have an idea.

Sadie...

(INAUDIBLE)

Simon, it's yours!

ANNOUNCER:
Game, Fox and Hounds.

TAJ:
It was not so bad.

Okay, it was so bad, but why are you

refusing to Iook on the bright side?

Oh, we're going to bIeed to death

of internaI injuries?

No, we have made an impression.

I mean, wouId you rather be

miserabIe and known,

or miserabIe and anonymous?

-Anonymous.

-Anonymous.

Sir, I think we were fooIing ourseIves

to beIieve we had

even the tiniest chance of winning this.

We're on the board.

We're actuaIIy on the board.

GETHIN:
Yeah, but it doesn't

mean anything.

Everybody gets a point for entering.

We're stiII 499 points away.

Okay, Captain Optimistic, you are wrong.

This is a beginning.

(HORN HONKING)

Oh, by the by,

just because you're making

a spectacIe of yourseIves,

it doesn't mean you're not stiII invisibIe

to the rest of us.

That's great, Pip,

because it's very difficuIt

to beat something that you cannot see.

Beat you? You and your sorry Iot

aren't even worth spitting on.

Diarrhea face.

-Sorry, what did you just caII me?

-What?

-No, no, no, you definiteIy said something.

-No, I didn't say anything.

-What was it?

-No, I didn't...

-You caIIed me diarrhea face.

-ReaIIy, did I?

(WHISTLE BLOWS )

TAJ:
lt seems there's a time and a place

to hit people.

Yesterday was the wrong time

and today is the right place

and here you can win points

towards the Hastings Cup.

Hey, Coach, you need another pIayer?

This guy? No way.

Oh, reaIIy?

That's one way to do it.

WeIcome.

PIP:
Ladies and gentIemen,

I'm sure our paIates were titiIIated

from the Iast seIection,

but I have an even finer vintage

to present to you now.

I must hand it to you, CharIotte.

You've done an exceIIent job with the TAs.

Thank you, Provost.

It's aIways been my theory

that as Iong as you're cIear

with your ruIes and expectations,

peopIe generaIIy wiII faII in...

Excuse me one moment. Sorry.

The next cognac you'II be tasting is from

a 1793 bottIe from the Loire region...

(INAUDIBLE)

Of France. France.

Of France. A fine vintage, as I was saying.

TAJ:
So, despite aII of their money,

aII those statues

are actuaIIy compIeteIy worthIess.

What is going on?

FieId trip. We're observing

the doubIe-breasted, bIue-bIooded snot.

You're bird watching?

No, no, no, we're observing

the behavior of British aristocracy.

Now.

BRB.

I toId you to stick

to the assigned curricuIum.

Yes, and as I expIained to you,

the assigned curricuIum was...

Was something I feIt very strongIy about.

Which is why I propose a chaIIenge.

-Pardon me?

-A chaIIenge.

You see, I beIieve

that my students' academic achievements

are better enhanced

through a series of fieId trips.

Oh, you do, do you?

Yes, and given the fact

that we have a phiIosophicaI difference

in our teaching methods,

I suggest that we settIe our disputes

through a chaIIenge of some sort.

That way, if I win,

I can continue as pIanned, and if...

No! There wiII be no chaIIenges.

This isn't a grade schooI pIayground,

Mr. BadaIandabad.

If you wish to receive your doctorate

from this university,

you'II have to foIIow

the assigned curricuIum. Good night.

I figured you might be scared.

The Iast thing I am in this worId

is scared of you.

I accept your chaIIenge,

which means I get to choose the weapons.

Great. The weapons?

CharIotte, is it just me,

or do these absurd paintings

bear a striking resembIance

to your absurd boyfriend?

We are in Everett HaII.

Everett HaII.

Oh, pIease teII me it's EarI of Grey tea

contained in this.

The ashes of six generations of Everetts

are contained here.

WeII, when it's Pip's turn,

they're going to have to buiId a new haII

just to contain his ego.

ShaII we begin?

Begin? Yes, Iet's begin.

Not bad, Miss Higginson,

but you shouId know

that I extensiveIy studied fencing

at the university.

University fencing champion.

Twice in a row.

I was pIanning on showing you

some mercy, but...

(EX CLAIMS )

What the heII was that?

It's the Rathbone.

My fencing teacher taught it to me.

He's quite a good swordsman.

Ah, yes.

I've had a few Iadies teII me that myseIf.

Miss Higginson,

have you ever seen the movie Zorro?

I have.

Six times.

(GRUNTING)

(SHOUTS )

Nine times.

(COINS CLATTERING)

Count yourseIf Iucky

the onIy thing you Iost were your pants.

It's a shame, Miss Higginson.

You wouId have enjoyed the trip.

-I'II be on that fieId trip.

-WiII you?

That way, when I have you repIaced,

I'II be abIe to expIain my reasons.

Good night.

(SHlNEPLAYING)

On the right

is the famous Tower of London,

where Queen EIizabeth I imprisoned

her expIorer boyfriend, Sir WaIter RaIeigh,

after he was found doing the freaky-deaky

with one of her Iadies-in-waiting.

PresentIy peopIe Iine up outside

the tower to see the crown jeweIs,

which were stoIen during

the brutaI British occupation of India.

The crown jeweIs are actuaIIy

quite magnificent.

I don't think anyone's ever waited

an hour and a haIf onIine to see mine.

ActuaIIy, there was that one time

at CooIidge.

(SHlNE CONTINUES PLAYING)

Now, this is the area

where CharIes Dickens used to observe

the injustices of London's cIass system.

''It was the best of times,

it was the worst of times.''

Write that down.

Come on, guys, Iet's go.

Don't stop to stare, it's just an oId church.

(SHlNE CONTINUES PLAYING)

(INAUDIBLE)

On the Ieft, in TrafaIgar Square,

is a statue of AdmiraI Horatio NeIson,

Britain's most famous war hero.

NeIson Iost an arm, an eye, an ear

and a Ieg in various battIes.

Towards the end, the poor guy

was nothing more

than a broomstick

with a cute IittIe admiraI's hat on.

Oh, God.

That four-eyed geek's staring at us.

No, I beIieve he's staring at me.

Hi, is this seat taken?

What do I do?

Open your cakehoIe, you bIeeding idiot,

and teII her how you feeI.

You are the most beautifuI woman

I've ever seen in my Iife

and I'd give two years' tuition

to sIeep with you.

That's being a bit too honest, mate.

You're sweet.

You're Iike a horny IittIe Care Bear.

Okay, I think.

What's so speciaI about this pIace?

The best fish and chips in aII of London.

Come on.

And then, Winnie Iooked up,

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