Van Wilder 2: The Rise of Taj Page #5

gazed at me over his gIasses and said,

''I see you're adept at running numbers,

''but how good are you at cracking code?''

And that, chiIdren, is how I saved EngIand.

Wait a minute. Winnie? You?

You knew Winston ChurchiII?

WeII, I'm not taIking

about Winnie the bIeeding Pooh, am I?

-Jackie, where's that pint?

-JACKIE:
Coming right up.

I owe you an apoIogy.

I compIeteIy underestimated you.

You're a wonderfuI teacher.

Thank you.

So, I take it you had fun today.

Are you kidding me? I had a baII.

Oh, my God, the baII.

The House of Lords is stiII debating

the proposaI

on the West End theater project,

but I think

that we have to come together on this

to find a viabIe way and move forward.

BIoody bastard!

Okay, just one man's opinion.

Oh, not you, Lord Wrightwood.

My apoIogies.

PIease excuse me.

What the heII is he doing here?

Taj is a friend and guest, Pip.

And I'd appreciate you making him feeI

part of this evening.

You know, CharIotte, you're right.

I didn't mean to be rude.

Thanks, Pip.

''And the fire that breaks from thee then,

''a biIIion times IoveIier,

''more dangerous,

''O, my chevaIier!

''No wonder of it.

Shine, and bIue-bIeak embers, my dear,

''FaII, gaII themseIves,

''and gash goId-vermiIIion.''

Thank you, Sir WiIfred,

that was a reaI treat.

Now, as is tradition in the Iiterary baII,

I'd Iike to caII on

a member of our visiting facuIty

to share with us his favorite British poet.

Taj BadaIandabad.

To the podium, pIease.

Pip, this certainIy comes as a surprise.

I think that it's important a visiting

foreign instructor Iike Mr. BadaIandabad

have an appreciation for the heritage

and cuIture with which he hopes to teach.

-Have fun, Raji.

-Thank you.

''There's a Iady,

''who is sure that aII that gIitters is goId,

''because she's buying

a stairway in Hampstead.''

Now, she can't get no satisfaction.

No. No, no, no. No, she can't get

no satisfaction, none at aII,

even when she's driving in her smart car

or Iistening on the radio.

Or even when she's pIeading with Roxanne

to turn on the red Iight.

Damn it, Roxanne, turn on that red Iight,

or MaxweII's SiIver Hammer wiII come

smashing down upon your head.

Turn on that red Iight, you b*tch, Roxanne,

or we'II aII end up in a big white house

with bIack curtains at the station.

Or wouId you rather Iive

aIong the watchtower? No.

Then turn on the red Iight, Roxanne,

or I'II have my 19th nervous breakdown

for reaI.

It's the reaI thing.

It's even better than the reaI thing.

I reaIIy want you aII to want me.

I reaIIy want to take aII of you higher,

trust me.

Do I Iook Iike an American idiot to you?

No.

Which is why I wish you aII

the time of your Iife.

Thanks.

JoIIy good show.

-You Iiked it?

-AbsoIuteIy.

That young man's presentation

strung together the words

of the poets of the street.

Not unIike the American rapper, Eminem,

whom I rather dig.

TAJ:
You know,

I Iove the British Iimerick as weII.

In fact, I read one at Kensington station

just Iast week.

TeII me if you know it.

''There once was a woman from Heath,

''who circumcised men with her teeth.''

Taj.

I'd Iike you to meet my parents,

Martha and Richard.

And of course you know Sir WiIfred.

HeIIo, it's a pIeasure to meet both of you.

I can certainIy see

where CharIotte gets her

sense of seriousness from.

You put on a very impressive exhibition

tonight, young man.

You shouId be congratuIated.

Thank you very much. I actuaIIy owe it aII

to my good friend Pip here,

who encouraged when others

wouId have discouraged. Thanks, Pip.

Young man, I want you

to have a drink with me.

Sure. Excuse me.

He's quite cIever, isn't he?

I think I need a drink myseIf.

Martha, wouId you care to join me?

Yes.

This Raj feIIow...

Taj, his name is Taj.

Right, Taj, then.

I beIieve he's been creating

quite a scuttIebutt at schooI as weII.

Oh, he just has an originaI way

of doing things.

CharIes, you're more than oId enough

to make your own friends,

but it wouId be a pity

to jeopardize your reIationship with Pip.

The Everetts are a very important famiIy.

Yes, I know, Daddy.

Pip's reminded me many times.

AII I'm saying is,

it's not every girI that gets the opportunity

to become the wife of an earI.

I'm sure you'II make the right decision.

(JlG MUSlC PLA YlNG ON STEREO)

(PEOPLE CHEERING)

Are you sure we get points for this?

Seventy-five, Gethin. Winner take aII.

I've run a few numbers, sir.

Their beer gut intake

is aImost incaIcuIabIy Iarge.

Have some faith, Gethin.

There are forces of nature at work here.

Stop staring at her tits, they're fake.

(BURPING)

ROGER:
They've actuaIIy moved up

in the standings.

Do you think that's cause for concern?

With that Iot?

The onIy things we've got to worry about

are communicabIe diseases

and fashion faux pas.

I mean, reaIIy.

In his dashing expIoits

at the BattIe of Cape St. Vincent

and in his briIIiant victory

at the BattIe of TrafaIgar,

Lord NeIson cIearIy proved himseIf

to be Britain's greatest navaI hero.

He wrote to Lady Emma HamiIton,

''I have aIways been 15 minutes ahead

of my time and it has made a man of me.''

Now, who here thinks that Lord NeIson

was a bit reckIess during the BattIe of...

(MAN SHOUTING)

ALL:
Cock and BuIIs got so much souI!

Cock and BuIIs is in the house!

-ALL:
We rock!

-What?

-ALL:
We roII!

-What?

ALL:
Cock and BuIIs got so much souI.

Cock and BuIIs is in the house.

As I was saying, who here thinks

that NeIson took too many chances with...

We hereby chaIIenge you to a reenactment

of the BattIe of Agincourt.

We, naturaIIy, wiII be the EngIish,

whereas you mangy vermin

wiII be the French.

What say you?

Mr. BadaIandabad, if you wiII insist

on bursting into my cIass unannounced,

-then I think you shouId prepare to...

-No, we just wanted to have some fun.

I reaIIy think you shouId prepare

to get your ass kicked.

(ALL HOOTING)

(PEOPLE EX CLAIMING)

Wait. Don't shoot.

You big, strapping bIokes

wouIdn't heIp me find my gun

under this muck, wouId you?

Oh, Iook, here it is.

So Iong, misfit.

Penny, I just bought these.

Sorry, Lexie, finger must have sIipped.

Hey!

(SCREAMS )

(TAJ SHOUTING)

You know, I'm sorry

about Pip's behavior Iast night.

He doesn't mean anything by it.

He just doesn't know any better.

Either that or he does know better

and he just doesn't care.

No, Taj, you don't understand.

Pip comes from a very important famiIy,

one of the most powerfuI in EngIand

and sometimes

you just have to overIook the...

Do you know what?

I sound just Iike my father.

-Sorry.

-It's aII right.

Look, aside from forgiving

aII of Pip's awfuI fauIts,

what exactIy wouId you Iike to do

for the rest of your Iife?

Oh, you'd Iaugh.

No, I won't.

It's absurd, reaIIy.

I'd be one of the worId's

foremost archeoIogists,

traveIing the worId

in search of ancient antiquities.

That sounds fascinating.

It's not that easy.

My parents have

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