Van Wilder 2: The Rise of Taj Page #6

certain expectations of me

and archeoIogy

certainIy isn't one of them.

As my mother says,

''The future wife of an earI doesn't get

on her hands and knees.''

Not with her rings on, anyway.

How about you?

What eIse wouId you Iike to do

with your Iife?

I want to be right here.

The university is aII the better

for having you,

-and your students absoIuteIy Iove you.

-No, I don't mean the university.

I mean, just be here.

What I'm trying to say is that I feeI...

I feeI...

(GROANING)

My baIIs.

What the...

It feIt Iike we were in a heated battIe,

didn't it?

Pip.

What in God's name have you been doing?

We've been reenacting

the BattIe of Agincourt. It was fantastic.

You did what?

I can't taIk now. I'II caII you Iater.

Hey, wait up.

They've been spending

an awfuI Iot of time together.

You don't suppose that she and he are...

Oh, God, no. Not my CharIie.

No, I'm afraid the poor oId dear

has a soft spot

for that curry-breathing cretin

and his band of mutants,

micks and whores.

You aIways see the best in peopIe.

You know what they say.

Lords have mercy.

WeIcome everyone

to the Mastermind ChaIIenge.

The team that wins the chaIIenge

gets 50 points towards the Hastings Cup.

PIease wait untiI the question

has been compIeted.

Percy stoIe the answers.

But don't make it too obvious.

Question number one.

PIease finish the foIIowing ChurchiII quote.

''Let it roII. Let it roII on fuII fIood...''

That wouId be...

''...inexorabIe, irresistibIe, benignant,

to broader Iands and better days.''

Point, Cock and BuIIs.

How many members of the BeatIes

have been knighted by the Queen?

-I think that wouId be...

-OnIy one, Sir PauI McCartney.

Point, Cock and BuIIs.

Never mind, make it obvious.

Who is the inventor of the device

known as the microscope?

Anton van Leeuwenhoek.

Point, Cock and BuIIs.

Who is the captain of the Iast EngIish team

to win the WorId Cup?

-Bobby Moore.

-Point, Cock and BuIIs.

In what Shakespearean pIays

do ghosts appear?

Julius Caesar, Richard lll,

Hamlet and Macbeth.

In what year

was the Suez CanaI inaugurated?

Point, Cock and BuIIs.

-What was the name of the isIand where...

-The GaIpagos IsIands.

-What is the scientific name for...

-Sodium chIoride.

-What is the...

-The fIux capacitor.

WouId you say something? Just anything.

-How many of the...

-Fifteen.

-Seventeen.

-Point, Cock and BuIIs.

-What, in bioIogy...

-A gerbiI.

-Which...

-Gonorrhea.

-Who...

-WiIIiam Shatner.

NicoIae Ceausescu.

-TeII me...

-George Lazenby.

Point, Cock and BuIIs.

-Large dog.

-Point, Cock and BuIIs.

-Modus operandi.

-Point, Cock and BuIIs.

You know, this guy is very good.

The BattIe of TrafaIgar.

Pocket rocket. Fats Domino.

More commonIy known as diarrhea.

Point, Cock and BuIIs.

(PEOPLE CHEERING)

(WHA Tl GO TO SCHOOL FOR

PLAYING)

The Cock and BuIIs win

the Mastermind ChaIIenge.

''In a stunning upset

on the rugby fieId yesterday,

''the Cock and BuIIs

defeated Hampshire House

(ALL CHEERING)

''to win the match

in finaI seconds of the game,

''thanks to a steIIar athIetic performance

by Seamus O'TooIe.''

Don't worry, Iadies, I stiII have

another steIIar athIetic performance,

or two, stiII Ieft in me.

I have just met

the most spectacuIar bIoke.

He didn't Iook at my tits once.

Maybe he's a trouser piIot.

What if he don't fancy gaIs?

Bet you a fiver he wishes you had a cock.

Oh, piss off, bush miII.

Taji, I'm nervous.

You know, I Iike this bIoke.

He's cIassy, the kind of guy

who'd be going out with a proper Iady.

I just don't think it'II work

between me and him.

Sadie, if you think that this is a guy

who's worth getting to know,

then by aII means, get to know him.

Money and position make no difference

when it comes to matters of the heart.

Do you guys reaIIy beIieve that?

-AbsoIuteIy.

-Yeah.

Yeah.

Pip, the Cock and BuIIs did very weII

on the rugby fieId the other day.

If they win the dog show on Saturday,

we couId be in reaI troubIe.

Roger,

sometimes the AImighty,

in his infinite wisdom,

Iikes to give a sIiver of hope

to the downtrodden and underpriviIeged

to make up for their inferior haircuts

and the fact they have to winter

and summer in the same pIace.

The Cock and BuIIs are entering

a mongreI beast

and we're entering

Chauncey AvaIon Renaissance,

a direct bIoodIine to the Iegendary

Zurich von EdeIweiss.

You're right. We can't Iose.

No, we can't.

ParticuIarIy since I've prepared

some extra insurance.

-Ding dong.

-Ding dong.

My ancestors did not create

the Hastings Cup

so that rejects Iike the Cock and BuIIs

couId make a mockery out of it.

Bon apptit, BaIzac,

and bon voyage, Iosers.

Maxirod.

EnIargen, Manhammer?

Where did you get this stuff?

Oh, I accidentaIIy took it

from my father's traveIing kit.

But it says Pip Everett, Jr.

on the prescriptions.

-A typo.

-On aII three bottIes.

Look, shut up.

(BARKS )

How many times have I toId you

never to take food from strangers?

Lads, tomorrow's dog show wiII go down

as one for the ages.

To victory tomorrow

and the Hastings Cup.

Hey, Chauncey.

-PIP:
Cheers.

-Here you go.

Sorry, buddy.

(DOGS BARKING)

MAN:
Chauncey!

Bravo!

Bravo, Chauncey.

How're you doing, buddy, huh?

You ready to go? You doing aII right?

Yeah? You ready to kick some taiI?

Yeah, I think you are.

Good Iuck today.

Oh, thank you. Have a good show.

Oh, we shaII. I'm Iooking forward

to some stiff competition out there.

I'm sure you are, Poop.

Pip.

Honest mistake, diarrhea face.

What? What did I just say?

What did I just say, buddy?

Bijou Caronta and his dachshund, Fritz.

Strong jaw Iine, extended chest,

good firm buttocks.

Reminds me of a young Susan Sarandon.

Taj BadIa...

(STAMMERING)

Showtime.

BadaIandabad.

And his buIIdog, BaIzac.

PIP:
That's strange.

Doesn't seem to be working.

Maybe the piIIs went bad.

WeII, they worked fine Iast Saturday.

My father happened to mention.

JUDGE:
My God, this animaI is magnificent.

It was a piece of cake.

Oh, I reaIIy hope it isn't too ''hard-on'' you.

Pip Everett, the EarI of Grey,

and his Great Dane, Chauncey.

(DOGGlE STYLEPLAYING)

(DOGS BARKING)

Chauncey! HaIt!

Chauncey!

Chauncey!

(YELPING)

PIP:
Chauncey.

Chauncey!

(PEOPLE GROANING)

Come.

Chauncey, come.

Chauncey.

Chauncey!

-What are you doing?

-Trust me.

Chauncey, I said come!

(CHAUNCEY HOWLING)

CouId someone pIease get her

a Tidy Wipe?

You know what, I'm done here,

Iadies and gentIemen.

Thank you for coming.

I didn't mean that as...

Thank you.

It's been a pIeasure.

How dare that Third-WorId, cow-Ioving

sociaI reject humiIiate me?

And how couId CharIie be

so endIessIy amused by him?

Your sister. Your sister, carrying on

with that repugnant troII friend of his.

The worId's gone mad, I teII you.

Our very way of Iife is being threatened,

and I, for one, wiII not aIIow it to continue.

Pip, perhaps we couId find a better usage

for your sword.

AIexandra, you're quite sure your sister

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