Van Wilder 2: The Rise of Taj Page #7

isn't joining the Cock and BuIIs party.

Yes, PeneIope ran to Mum and Dad's

for the night.

And you and PeneIope

are an identicaI match?

WeII, one of us has a birthmark.

WouId you Iike to see it?

If the rabbIe insist on being crushed

into obIivion, so be it.

AIexandra, I'm going to need your heIp.

(CHAUNCEY WHINING)

Chauncey, do shut up.

The piIIs wiII wear off soon enough.

AIexandra, why are you just sitting there?

I thought you said you wanted to pIay

with my sword.

Oh, right, yeah.

(CRAZYBlTCH PLAYING)

(SHOUTING)

(PEOPLE CHEERING)

Let's party!

(WHOOPING)

TAJ:
Everybody's attention, pIease.

Attention, pIease. Can I have...

(MUSIC STOPS )

I'd Iike to thank everyone

for coming tonight.

Thanks to BaIzac's performance,

the Cock and BuIIs are now onIy 20 points

behind the Fox and the Hounds,

which means whoever wins the next event

wiII win the Hastings Cup.

So now, Iet's just get inebriated.

(NUTHlN'BUTA DAWG PLAYING)

What's up, Gethin?

Where is BaIzac, anyway?

I think he is otherwise engaged.

(BARKING)

-Taji.

-Sadie, how was your date?

Taji, you were right.

He was the perfect gentIeman.

We had tea and then a candIeIit dinner

and then a beautifuI carriage ride.

-That's wonderfuI.

-Then we got scrambIed,

he yanked off me scanties

and we shagged aII night on the tiIes.

-AII right.

-Let's party.

Sir, there's a probIem with Simon.

Excuse me. What?

TAJ:
Simon?

I have...

I have a probIem.

Oh, my God, he's taIking.

WeII, Simon, whatever your probIem is,

we're your friends, you can teII us.

WeII, you see,

it's to do with the size of my piddIer.

Your...

WeII, you know, it's an understood fact

that a man's piddIer is...

Appears smaIIer to himseIf

than it is in reaI Iife.

WeII, you see, that's what I'm afraid of.

'Cause according to me

it has some 1 1 inches.

Come again? FigurativeIy.

You see, the probIem is

that every time I get aroused,

aII the bIood rushes from my head

to my...head.

And I can't taIk.

But do you think it's gonna be...

(ALL SCREAM)

-It's...

-It's...

-Yes.

-Yes, I think you'II be fine.

It works.

I'm sorry to interrupt you boys

tossing off your taIIy-whackers,

but, Taji, there's a beautifuI young Iady

waiting for you outside.

I'm surprised you don't get out more.

-HeIIo.

-CHARLOTTE:
SmiIe.

Sorry, I just had to have a picture

of the wickedest party of the year.

WeII, then, why don't you come on in,

grab a drink?

Wait. I have a surprise for you first.

Let's take a waIk in the woods.

A surprise in the woods?

WeII, can you give me a second?

Let me go repack my waIIet reaI quick.

Come on.

(ROMANTIC SONG PLAYING)

TAJ:
Amazing.

Fantastic.

The Persephone comet hasn't been seen

in the EngIish skies since...

-NapoIeon was defeated at WaterIoo.

-Yes.

Come on.

-I have one more surprise for you.

-Yeah?

Is this one scenery, too?

No more scenery.

(A KlCKlN THE MOUTH PLAYING)

Come on. Hey. It's a party.

Hey, dude, what are you Iooking at?

Hi.

Seamus was just teIIing me a story

about you. A very Iong one.

(GIGGLING)

PeneIope?

I thought you were gone for the weekend.

Yes. I was,

but I just couIdn't stop thinking of you.

-You couIdn't?

-No.

That's fantastic.

-Take me, Gavin.

-Gethin.

Whatever.

Wow. You seem so different.

Have you aIways had that birth mark

on your neck?

It matches this one.

-Any more dumb questions?

-No, I'm good.

Good.

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

There's nothing to be nervous about.

Just take off your cIothes.

Okay.

(GASPS )

(THUDDING)

(ROCKMUSlC PLA YlNG ON STEREO)

(SCREAMING)

Nice.

(GRUNTS )

Take your bIoody hands off me.

You whiskey-swiIIing Irish bIockhead.

Jesus, Mary and Joseph.

No. DiIip, Kami and AIita.

We are the BadaIandabads.

We have come to surprise our son,

Taj MahaI.

He's upstairs.

If you'II excuse me, I think I'm in Iove.

(TAJ MOANING)

(BOTH IMITATE ROARING)

(IMITATE MEOWING)

TAJ:
Yes.

Excuse me.

Bad doggie.

(IMITATES BARKING)

Oops.

Oops.

I'm ready for you,

my IittIe Yorkshire pudding.

-Surprise!

-Surprise!

-Oh, my God!

-Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Go! Go! Oh, my God.

(SHOUTING)

CHARLOTTE:
I don't care.

So...have a nice fIight?

I warn you, Provost.

Prepare to be appaIIed

beyond your imagination.

Excuse me. Excuse me.

-Good Lord!

-Disgusting, isn't it, Provost?

-Coming through.

-GIRL:
Hi, gorgeous.

Provost?

Provost?

Right this way, Provost.

Are you okay?

(EX CLAIMS )

Provost, he has knocked that woman out

with his schIong.

(PUNKMUSlC PLA YlNG ON STEREO)

Arey, don't worry, beta.

They wiII get over it.

It's not Iike your famiIy

has never seen you naked before.

Okay, maybe not quite as hairy...

-Dad.

-But stiII.

So, is there someone speciaI,

or were you just...

No! Yes!

No, I mean... Yes, there was somebody.

ReaIIy?

And how schIong...Iong

have you been seeing her?

WeII, tonight was actuaIIy

our first night together.

And aIready in your bedroom.

Shabaash, beta. My son is a hound doggie!

A chip off the oId BadaIandabads.

You got the oId Camford

chick-a-day caIendar, huh, beta?

-Beta?

-Something Iike that.

PeneIope?

My IittIe vixen, I'm ready.

Honey bunny? I'm ready.

PeneIope, I'm not quite sure

how this works.

Do I get discipIined now?

-PROVOST:
AbsoIuteIy.

-Are you enjoying the party, sir?

You know, beta, I envy you.

You are just Iike I was.

A chip off the oId BadaIandabads.

Attending the big bad bone dance,

morning, noon and night.

The pink taco stand

deIivering 24 hours a day,

free of charge.

(EX CLAIMING)

Dad! Dad! Dad! Dad, Iisten.

No dishum.

-No dishum.

-No.

I am not a chip off the oId BadaIandabad

and I'm not a hound doggie. I'm sorry.

I tried to Iive up to your Iegacy.

I reaIIy did.

But I'm afraid I disappointed you.

You see, I reaIIy have faIIen for someone,

and it's just one girI.

Just one girI?

Just one.

I see.

So, this one girI is feeIing the same

as you are?

I beIieve so.

WeII, I guess we are not aII cut out

to be hound doggies.

You're not disappointed?

How can I be disappointed? You're my son.

It is watching you

come into your own as a man

that makes me feeI so proud of you, beta.

Come, give your father a big squashy.

Thanks.

-No, no, Dad, I need another hug.

-Oh, beta.

-Oh, beta, I Iove you.

-It's okay.

Beta, I can't breathe.

I can't breathe, my beta.

Beta, I can't breathe.

(GROANING) Oh, I Iove you, too. I Iove you.

My testicIes!

Bye.

Sorry, did I ruin a moment?

What the heII are you doing here?

Provost and I made some

interesting discoveries this evening.

StoIen copies of next week's history test

in your students' rooms.

My students wouId never cheat.

Yes. WeII, you can teII your story

to the discipIinary committee

first thing in the morning.

You know, it's funny

how things work out, isn't it?

I suggest you start packing, Paki.

Restraint, my boy. Restraint.

-He's mine.

-Dad!

Camford University is the greatest

institution of higher Iearning in the worId.

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