Van Wilder 2: The Rise of Taj

TAJ:
The legendary Van Wilder

was my mentor.

He enabled me to become the king of cool

at Coolidge College.

Thanks to his many insightful life lessons,

like, " Two's company,

"and three is only good

if there's no class the next day. "

l'm now going to England to take the path

of another great man, my father,

and continue my academic studies

at Camford University.

After pursuing my degree in history,

I'II go ahead

After pursuing my degree in history,

I'II go ahead

and get a minor in major muff-munching.

You're not Iistening to anything

I'm saying, are you?

Not a word,

Mr. Minor-in-Major-Muff-Munching.

-FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Chicken or fish?

-Yes, I'II have the chicken, pIease.

Enjoy your meaI.

-Thank you very much.

-You're weIcome.

AII right.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Chicken or fish?

MAN:
Chicken.

-Excuse me.

-Yes?

Is that Madame Mandira's Homemade

Bombay Hot Sauce?

No way, you know it?

Habanero and cayenne peppers mixed

with Iime juice, vinegar, onions and saIt.

From the great CaIcutta SaIt Lake?

WouId you Iike some?

Sorry. I'm so cIumsy.

(MOANING)

Sorry. I have this thing for spices.

(STAMMERING) You have ''a thing''?

WeII...

You want some of this, don't you,

you dirty IittIe whore?

(MOANING)

Come and get it.

(GROANING)

Don't stop.

Don't stop.

Don't stop.

(UNZIPPING)

-I said, ''Don't stop.''

-Okay, okay.

Not stopping.

Oh, yeah? Yeah?

You Iike hot sauce on your kebabs, cookie?

Oh, that's hot. Oh, that's hot.

Oh, that's actuaIIy...

(SCREAMING)

(BOYS WlLL BE BOYS PLAYING)

SmeII that, BaIzac?

That is the aroma of higher education.

The aroma of young minds

absorbing knowIedge. The aromas...

Yes.

The aroma of that, too.

Let us make haste, my friend,

to the fraternaI house

where my famiIy name became Iegend.

Come on.

(BOYS WlLL BE BOYS

CONTINUES PLAYING)

''May driving on the wrong side

of the road,

''Iead you down the right path.

''Write that down. Van.''

WeII, weII, weII. What do we have here?

-Percy?

-2:
30...

Taj MahaI

BadaIandabad.

Wow.

It's even more magnificent

than I imagined it.

Isn't that right, BaIzac?

BaIzac?

Oh, sh*t! BaIzac, that's no way

to make a first impression.

Lick it up.

-WeIcome to the house of Fox and Hounds.

-WeIcome to the house of Fox and Hounds.

Good afternoon.

Pip Everett, EarI of Grey. How do you do?

I do very weII, thank you.

SpIendid. How may we heIp you?

My name is Taj MahaI BadaIandabad,

your newest and proudest member.

Fantastic. Fantastic.

-Come and meet the guys.

-Sure.

-Come and meet the guys.

-Sure.

This is incredibIe.

The oIdest and finest fraternaI guiId

in aII of EngIand.

You know, I've been dreaming of this day

since I was a boy.

-Champagne?

-Thank you.

Since my father, DiIip,

who was known by his feIIow Hounds

as the Womb Broom BadaIandabad,

(MEN LAUGHING)

wouId teII me stories about his time here

during the swinging '60s.

(GIRLS SCREAMING)

Quiet. Quiet, quiet, pIease.

Now, it has been enjoyabIe

shagging aII of you groovy chicks.

But the further spreading

of my baby gravy

wiII have to wait.

(GIRLS SCREAMING)

Good show. Good show.

And we're equaIIy excited

to have you as one of our members.

WeIcome.

Ladies, perhaps you couId show

Sir Womb Broom the Second

to his new room.

-Our pIeasure.

-Our pIeasure.

Thank you, Iadies.

You know,

something about you reminds me of you.

Why?

-PIP:
Mr. BadaIandabad?

-Yes?

-Might I see your acceptance Ietter?

-Sure.

Thank you.

UsuaIIy put them

in the scrapbook or something?

No. Not usuaIIy.

-Oh, dear.

-What's wrong?

This is very awkward.

There seems to have been

a terribIe mistake.

TypographicaI, you see.

This Ietter's supposed to say

that you've not been accepted.

-What?

-I'm very sorry.

But pIease do pop in any time

and say heIIo.

But my father went here. I'm a Iegacy.

Where eIse wouId you expect me to go?

WeII, I do see your quandary, oId boy.

I do know of one opportunity,

but it's onIy eIigibIe for dongs.

Perhaps they'II consider a Taj.

Dongs are what you Americans

so eIoquentIy caII teaching assistants.

Yes. WeII, I am a teaching assistant.

Yes. Here it is.

-What is it?

-You'd be a head of house of sorts,

for a very eIite group of students

in a dweIIing caIIed the Barn.

-The Barn?

-An architecturaI wonder.

-The Barn?

-One of the oIdest buiIdings on campus.

-Is it red?

-No.

-Then it's not a barn.

-Yes, but it's steeped in history.

Good Iuck, then.

You, too.

Come on, BaIzac. ndale.

Christ, he's got monkey nuts.

-Did you see his face?

-The Barn?

I do beIieve that was the best one yet.

-You were wonderfuI.

-That was a cIassic, Pip.

-BriIIiant.

-Don't you boys ever get tired

of pIaying that same

crass, demeaning joke?

-No.

-No.

Another joIIy good show.

I must say, it is so much fun being me.

Is that...

(SQUISHING)

CouId someone pIease get me

some Tidy Wipes?

(GET UP, GETON PLAYING)

WeII, BaIzac, as Mr. Van WiIder wouId say,

it's not the buiIding that matters,

it's the peopIe inside.

Come on.

Excuse me.

I'm Iooking for the Barn residence haII.

-The Barn.

-Piss off.

Pin-headed squirreIIy-Iooking bastard.

Sorry for the intrusion, you hairy-arsed

dipso Paddy headbanger.

Hey, you're speaking the IocaI Iingo

right and proper.

What did you say your name was again?

Taj BadaIandabad,

your new head of house.

Taj BadaIandabad,

that's quite a tongue-twister.

It's not that hard to say. You got it right.

Yeah, but I've been drinking aII day.

You want some?

No, I'm okay, actuaIIy.

You enjoy your backwash.

-Hi.

-Hi, you Iook funny.

-I'm Gethin.

-Hi, Gethin, I'm Taj,

your new resident advisor.

Oh, I'm so sorry, sir.

The house is such a mess.

I feeI so ashamed.

PIease stop.

Don't caII me sir and don't be formaI.

This is a very informaI setting

and, Gethin, stand up straight.

A man aIways Iooks more confident

when he's erect.

Now, what's aII this?

I'm a duaI major.

Maths/ quantum physics.

FoIIowing the tradition of

the great Stephen Hawking, huh?

Not exactIy. Numbers geeks

don't have the hottest sociaI Iife,

so I did a sexuaI statistics compatibiIity

survey with aII the coIIeges in EngIand.

Camford came up with the highest

nerd-per-wiIIing-chick probabiIity ratio.

The pursuit of the pink taco.

Gethin, I think you and I are kindred spirits

in the search for the verticaI smiIe.

-The what, sir?

-The verticaI smiIe.

You know,

the scrambIed eggs between the Iegs...

I don't know what that is.

...the sunny-side-up

on the way to the butt.

GETHIN:
Say again?

HeIIo. What's your name?

-HeIIo?

-Simon doesn't Iike to taIk.

Simon?

It's a pIeasure to meet you regardIess,

and I Iook forward to hearing from you

when you have something

that you wouId Iike to say.

How about you, BaIzac?

Hey, buddy. Did you meet everybody?

Hey, what's up with the mutt?

Looks Iike it's dragging

a pair of soccer baIIs.

He's a purebred EngIish buIIdog.

It's EngIish, is it?

That's why it's such an ugIy IittIe bastard.

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