Van Wilder

^ xSilver ^

Coolidge College

was established in 18--

Who knows this?

It was in your freshman facts.

The first day of spring semester.

A time to say good-bye

to the parents once again...

and say hello

to a few new student bodies.

As for me, well...

I like to start off each semester

with a certain time-honored tradition.

A ritual, if you will,

that allows me...

to get my head in the right place.

Okay, so Suk Mee's a little old...

but she is just so damn good.

She's great with these quick jobs...

plus there is no substitute

for decades of experience.

That looks amazing.

That is perfect. You're a pro.

A pro.

Look at me.

Pro.

Well, gosh, that was great.

Thanks for the quick job there.

I need these in 20 minutes.

Super.

We've got a jumper!

Hold on, son.

You don't want to do this.

I didn't want to come here either.

They made me come!

They made me!

First year can be kind of scary,

can't it, Timmy?

My name's not--

But you know what I've learned

in my seven years here at Coolidge...

Timmy?

I've learned that you can't treat every

situation as a life-and-death matter...

because you'll die

a lot of times.

Write that down.

- I don't have a pen.

- Well, remember that then.

And you know something, Timmy?

I think you've got the balls

to make it here.

Call me nuts...

but I believe in you.

You see, Timmy, you can't let this

lead you all the time.

Sometimes you've gotta heed this.

I think you've got a lot of heart

in there, mister, don't you?

Don't you?

I mean, look around you.

Timmy?

Great work, Van. Thanks!

Remember my credo, Timmy.

Don't be a fool.

Stay in school.

God, I love this place.

Hey, Van. Hey, Van the man.

I called you last night, Van.

My name is Van Wilder,

and this is my home...

Coolidge College.

The last, well, seven years

have gone by way too fast.

This school's given me so much.

I just can't seem to give enough back.

- That's Van.

- That's him!

Oh, my God!

- Wow.

- Yeah. Wow.

I was the first-ever male cheerleader

at Huntington High!

The first ever!

Give me a V! Give me an A!

Give me an N!

What does it spell?

I see a rabbi, and he's

performing a circumcision...

on himself though.

You'll become disciplined.

Your mind will become a weapon.

I'm sorry. You really

just don't fit the profile.

We're just gonna do

a little bit of word association.

Cookies!

- My name is Van.

- Hi, my name is Terry.

Let's get it started then,

shall we?

Big finish.

Medic.

- Having us both at the same time...

- Will definitely lighten your load.

- We will bend over backwards for you.

- There's nothing too big...

- we can't handle.

- And we mean nothing.

- We'll stay on top of you...

- And ride you all semester.

Basically, we're saying we won't

blow the job, Van.

By the way, can you tell me if

there'll be any international travel?

Seriously, I swear to God,

I'm really uncomfortable now.

It's time you should go.

Not one acceptable candidate.

What is wrong

with the youth of today?

The Internet, dude.

Fries their brain cells, man.

It's cool, Colossus.

We'll find somebody.

C-los, get your ass off my shirt.

You really should

have him neutered, man.

That's up to him.

They are getting bigger,

aren't they?

I'll get that.

Looks like we got one more.

What's your name?

I'm Taj Mahal Badalandabad.

Where are you from, Taj?

I'm an exchange student

from Banglapur, India.

Welcome.

What can we do for you?

My exchange program culminates

at the end of this school year...

at which time I must return

to my home country...

where I do not have many friends.

I would like very much to spend my

remaining days here as your assistant.

Okay. We're just gonna do

a little word association.

Say the first thing

that comes to your mind. Milk.

Tit!

Oh, Mommy.

Most Indians would say "cow"

because they are sacred...

but I hear milk,"

I think giant jugs.

You see, I cannot

go home a virgin.

I came here to study the great

American art of muff diving.

To smack clam, munch rug...

dine at just one American

pink taco stand.

You know, I wanted to-- how is it--

park the porpoise.

I want to take it

through the car wash, baby.

And get it waxed.

I want to wax it. Wax it!

You know, and air dry.

Air dry that sh*t, yeah.

And I would like to be

your assistant very much...

Mr. Van Wilder.

You'll need a copy of my class schedule

so you can take notes.

You'll also handle my finances.

I lecture at the freshman crisis group

every other Monday.

I'm spearheading the Save

the Swim Team Speedo Spectacular...

and the Bloated Belly Beer Bash

to Battle Bulimia this semester.

This is Sick Boy's room. Not a week's

gone by he hasn't had an ailment.

Shingles, hepatitis, crabs.

That was his fault.

- Matzo ball soup. Jewish penicillin.

- Thanks, Van.

Don't pick at it.

Moving on.

I'm moving my 7:
15 to 8:15,

my 8:
15 to 9:45...

and my 9:
45 till Wednesday.

You owe $75,000 for the speed boat.

Cancel my guest lecture

at the Wharton School next week.

I feel like going somewhere tropical.

Tahiti. Are you writing this down?

- Yes, sir.

- You owe $200,000 for the thoroughbred.

Schedule a massage after my golf game

tomorrow afternoon.

- With a happy ending?

- Ah, yes.

And another $39,000 for your son's

tuition and housing this semester.

Tuition?

Van is still in school?

For the better part of a decade.

"Depression:

Is Prozac really the answer?"

"Famine-- Crisis in Rwanda."

"Tracking Tuition:

Where does our money really go?"

Each article well-written and researched

by our own Gwen Pearson...

and each article skipped over

by the majority of the student body.

I don't care.

I won't pander to them.

"Lite Beer vs. Dark-- The Showdown"

by Darius Grayson.

- Is that the same--

- Pulitzer-prize winning Darius Grayson.

He was an alumnus

of our journalism staff.

He wrote his best stuff in detox.

Still does, I'm told.

I have got a very challenging

assignment for you.

A story that nobody's

been able to get.

- About what?

- No, no. It's about whom.

It does not look good.

That's the end of the first half...

and the Chickadees will need

a miracle to come back and score.

Sir, I'm gonna have to ask you

to step away from Van's vehicle.

Wilder!

He's got no business parking there.

That's my spot.

They need me, Ted.

This is the first time in my life

I'm glad I'm deaf!.

I can't hear the boos!

Now, listen up.

I'm only gonna go over this

one more time.

In the event they switch

to a zone defense...

we must swing the ball

around the perimeter.

This ball club is the heart

of this institution.

You win, it beats.

You lose, it breaks.

You're not boxing out, Big Papa.

You're my Windex man.

I want you shining glass.

We gotta D up out there.

Darius.

I want you all over that ball

like a fat kid on a cupcake.

What are you looking at? Your mom

said you left your legs at home.

For God's sake!

I'd do anything for you guys...

which is why I'm throwing you

a little soiree tomorrow night...

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