Van Wilder Page #2

but not without a W tonight.

You want to know why?

Nobody wants to celebrate a loss, guys.

Hey, man, you gonna invite

those freak honeys from Mt. Holyoke?

I already did.

They said they'd try to make it

if they weren't humping the Matadors.

- The Matadors?

- What?

Come on.

We got a ball game to win.

Let's go kick some Matador tail--

How bad do you wanna be...

a Delta?

Would you walk on broken glass?

Let the shards tear

into your Achilles tendon...

causing acute achondroplasia...

which could lead to non-congenital

dwarfism as you got older?

Ease up on the medical terms.

Just keep it simple and terrifying.

Gordon, there are very few things more

terrifying than non-congenital dwarfism.

Hey, Richard.

Ready to study?

Gwenny, I said 9:30.

It's 9:
20.

I'm in the middle

of an 80-year tradition here.

I will be up when I'm done with

my presidential responsibilities.

Okay, I'll wait for you upstairs.

Who's my alabaster princess?

You are. You are.

Relax, guys.

They're just Doritos.

Listen to me,

you little f*** stains!

When I count to three, you will jump

or be banished from this house forever!

One, two--

F***!

Excuse me.

Where can I find Van Wilder?

In the Guiness Book

of World-f***ing-Records, man...

under "Raddest f***ing dude alive"!

Okay. Thanks.

In any one of these three rooms,

Gramps.

Sweet Joseph,

my son's a fairy.

Dad, what are you doing here?

- Thank God.

- No jammies.

- Party foul.

- No, don't-- Oh, dear God.

Next time you'll know better.

Seven years, and no degree.

You should have graduated twice by now.

I've done a lot in seven years.

If you don't have your doctorate,

you haven't done enough.

But you have wasted enough

of your time and my money.

Pack up your panties, son,

because we are headin' home.

I'm staying here with my friends.

Fine. Maybe your friends

can pay your tuition.

Because this morning I placed

a stop payment on this semester's check.

I'm sorry, son.

Sometimes in life you have to

realize a poor investment...

and cut your losses.

Write that down.

I need more time.

There's got to be something

that we can work out.

What is that intoxicating scent

you're wearing, Doris?

I have cats.

Meow!

Maybe you could put me

on some sort of extension...

program?

- A little pay-as-you-go?

- Are you trying to seduce me?

Who, me? No!

You know, maybe this isn't

such a good idea.

Being bad seldom is.

Oh, yeah.

That's the sh*t.

Guess what. I'm feeling

a little cold sore coming on.

Maybe we shouldn't do this

for three to six weeks.

Shut up, b*tch,

and give me some sugar.

Fill this out. It's a standard

payment plan extension form.

You mean, we didn't have to--

But aren't you glad we did?

You can either mail this in

or drop it off.

Go, baby, go!

Mail it in!

Mail it in! Mail it in.

Van, you must make four

monthly payments of $5,000 each.

I'm sorry, Taj.

I'm gonna have to let you go.

I don't have the resources

to pay for your services anymore.

A good soldier

does not leave his commander...

just because he lies wounded,

arms torn off at the sockets...

intestines spilling out onto the mud,

picked at by the birds.

I will stay on at no charge.

Okay.

Exactly how much money do you have?

- He has only $34.

- Damn, Van!

What the hell you gonna do

with $34, man?

Congratulations, Taj!

Your first blow job.

In my country, a woman's mastery

of her gastronomical releases...

is the ultimate aphrodisiac.

Desiree is the foremost connoisseur

of chili con carne...

and a TA at Coolidge.

I wish I had teachers like that.

And just like that,

Topless Tutors was born.

X...

equals... six?

Yeah!

We knew you could do it.

Desi told me how she

and a few of her grad school pals...

could use some extra income.

Taj proved to be

an excellent company accountant...

as well as our most valued client.

Excuse me.

I'm looking for information

on a current student here, Van Wilder.

Freshman year.

I'll get the others.

- Wait. There are more of these?

- Actually, there are many more.

It seems Mr. Wilder didn't quite

come out of his shell...

until mid-sophomore year.

Thanks.

It's like this itchy,

rashy burning sensation.

And it hurts when I--

- Dance?

- When I pee.

- You hooked up with a burner.

- Yeah.

She seemed like a nice girl,

said it was her first time?

Always check the quality of the turf

before you step onto the field.

Listen, go to the campus hospital,

see Stu.

Tell him Van sent you, and remember--

Don't be a fool. Wrap your tool.

Thanks, Van. Thanks a lot.

Don't thank me.

Thank penicillin.

Crazy kids with their crazy VD.

- You must be Van.

- Hi.

I'm Gwen Pearson,

staff writer for The Liberator.

Okay, look, that old bag

is stronger than she looks.

I'm doing a human

interest piece on you.

I'm flattered.

I'd love for your piece to be on me.

But sadly I don't do interviews.

Never have, never will. I do lunch.

My editor did say

this would be a challenge.

Van, second date with Emily.

Blue. Brings out your eyes. Kid's got

killer eyes, not unlike yourself.

- Has anyone told you that before?

- Yes, my boyfriend.

Is it true that this is

your seventh year at Coolidge?

Carry the two--

Yes, that's correct.

So what's your boyfriend's name?

Does he go to school here?

- Does he appreciate you?

- That's none of your business.

You know what? You're right.

His name's Richard.

He's premed.

Van, you have a 1:30

with the swim team.

On it.

- You have an assistant?

- Yes, I do.

Is there anything you

can tell me about yourself...

that I haven't already found out

from your public records?

I'll be at the quad tomorrow night

at 10:
00. Sound good?

- It's a date.

- It's an interview, not a date.

Gwen, first dates are interviews.

You going out tonight?

Rob's coming over.

I'm closing in on that diamond, Gwen.

The dynamic duo

will seal the deal tonight.

Good luck, ladies.

Somebody got awfully dressed up

to quiz me on my anatomy midterm.

I'm so sorry, baby.

I totally forgot.

- I have an interview for the paper.

- At 10:
00 at night?

Can't you postpone it?

Gwen, first exam-- most crucial.

It's not like you're on a deadline

for the Boston Globe.

It's the only time he had available.

I'll call you as soon as I get back.

Bye.

He?

All right. Gwen, all right!

You're just in time.

- Take your clothes off.

- I'm not taking off my clothes.

It is the Naked Mile Run. Everybody

else is in their birthday suit.

Except that guy.

- I have a few questions for you.

- In time. This is gonna be fun.

You know that three-letter word

that starts with F?

So you're quite the campus man,

heading events like the Jger Olympics.

Yes, well, you haven't lived...

until you've shot putted

blitzed on Jger.

- Heinie?

- This was a really bad idea.

Are we gonna reschedule or what?

Who's a big boy?

Oh, God!

Those things

could raise the Titanic.

You Van Wilder?

The strip club owner got tired

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