Van Wilder Page #3

of using his B squad...

so he came back

for the starting lineup.

Topless Tutors was dead.

We are truly up the Ganges River

without a bamboo oar.

We're still $1,200 short

of your next tuition payment.

Taj, I learned a long time ago

that worrying is like a rocking chair.

It gives you something to do,

but it doesn't get you anywhere.

Write that down.

Don't even sweat it, Taj.

I've got a plan.

- Let's go get f***ed up.

- Sounds good.

Is that all you think about?

I admit I applied for this job...

because I wanted to cut loose

and shake my rump...

but I do not believe that this dilemma

will be solved by partying.

Can I help you, son?

I certainly hope so, Mr. Wilder.

I come to you in desperation.

I'm Panos Patakos, president

of the Lambda Omega Omega fraternity.

I'm sure you're aware

of our... stigma.

Yeah, you guys have had

the best GPA the last 50 years.

Indeed, but believe it or not...

the best GPA doesn't get you laid.

- Damn well should.

- Amen.

This month marks

our 75th anniversary.

I am here to ask you to aid us

in throwing a party...

a party we can be proud of...

a party people will

actually show up to.

Gosh, I'd really love to help, but I

have a bamboo oar stuck up my Gangees.

It's very scary stuff.

I just don't have the time.

How much is your time worth?

Panos reminded me that I had one...

very valuable skill

I'd yet to tap--

my undeniable ability

to throw one hell of a party.

I was hanging on by a thread,

but I was still making tuition.

The strawberry! Eat the strawberry!

It's worth 250!

- Don't you think I know that?

- You treat me like a child.

I don't like the way you

condescend me.

- Don't do that!

- Frankly, you're juvenile.

Guys.

I know Ms. Pac Man's special.

She's fun. She's cute.

She swallows.

But we gotta talk, guys.

Huddle up. Come on.

Team meeting here.

Cowboy. All right.

I look at you guys,

and you know what I see?

A collective GPA of 52,000?

Yeah! No!

I see a bunch of party animals...

crouched in attack position,

ready to strike.

Am I right?

No one even knows we're here.

Au contraire, mon frres.

Girls!

I'd like you to meet

Sherri and Terri.

Two girls utterly infatuated...

with men who have

larger than normal...

medulla oblongatas.

Pearson, I got a hot news tip for you.

It's Friday night. Get out of here.

I know. I'm just doing some final

revisions to this piece on euthanasia.

Oh, I read that.

Made me want to kill myself.

I'm kidding.

- Where's my Wilder story?

- There is no story, Elliot.

The guy's a joke. He tries to turn

every interview into a date.

A good writer gets her story

no matter what.

Please get me the Wilder piece.

He's throwing a big party tonight.

You should be there.

- This is really a pimpin' good time.

- Yes, it is.

Look who's checking out

the Badalandabad. Her name's Naomi.

That's "I moan" backwards.

I put in a good word for you.

Hey, Tajy. Let's boogie.

These are the most pathetic

bunch of pledges.

You picked 'em.

Hey, babe.

- Why aren't you in costume?

- I can't stay. I have to work tonight.

You're gonna miss

the biggest party of the year.

Well, I gotta go.

- I'll call you tomorrow.

- What?

This party so rocks, Richard.

- This party sucks rectum, Jeannie.

- Okay.

Where the hell is everyone?

Mad props

for this pimpin' good time...

go out to those

hung and handsome bad boys...

of Lambda Omega Omega.

Thanks for the good time, fellas.

- Let's get you some skates.

- I'm not here to skate.

For some reason,

my editor thinks you're a story.

What do you think?

As a story, I think...

you're a little soft.

Wow, all this time I thought I was more

to you than just some flaccid story.

A dilemma has arose up front.

- Don't know if we got our point across.

- Crystal clear, guys.

- This is incredible.

- 100 percent. Don't go anywhere.

Seriously.

Van is a godsend.

I would have paid him way more

than a grand for this party.

I would have cashed in

my Israel bonds.

- How do you put a price on dignity?

- How do you put a price on poonani?

- Yes!

- Oh, God!

Oh, my God. Feel it!

Whoa. Trick or treat.

What's going on?

This vaginal discharge

won't let us partake in the party.

Graphic.

I'm sure we can accommodate

a few more, yeah?

No can do.

We're at maximum capacity.

- What are you doing here?

- You two know each other?

That's my girlfriend,

gluteous erecti.

- You must be premed Dick.

- Yeah, that's right.

- What's it to you?

- Thanks for the story.

What story?

Brilliant, Pearson.

I have been inundated

with people telling me...

how much they enjoy

reading about this guy.

They want more, and so do I.

I want you to do a follow-up.

I did your story, Elliot.

I'm not doing another one.

Even if I tell you it's gonna be on the

front page of the graduation issue...

in two months?

And I quote,

"Van Wilder is a party pimp."

Sick Boy.

Can you believe she wrote that?

Van Wilder's phone.

I do not foresee that to be a problem.

And that guy she's with--

all kinds of wrong for her.

- Sick Boy, how are you doing?

- Van, the shingles are all gone.

That ointment really worked.

Thanks.

Lookin' good there, buddy.

- He'll call you back.

- Unbelievable.

Van Wilder's phone.

- Terrible.

- I think so. Yeah.

- Hang on.

- Unbelievable.

Van's room.

Saturday night, yeah.

That's-- How did you--

From the paper?

Yeah, that's fine!

Okay, thanks.

- No problem confirming. Bye.

- This writing, it's just--

I was just wondering if you could...

slam the door in my face.

Van, you must listen to me.

Because of her article, everybody wants

to have a party thrown by Van Wilder...

the party liaison.

Your cash camel has arrived!

We need to talk.

This is why I don't do interviews.

You totally slammed me.

You journalists

and your irresponsible reporting.

I recorded quotes that you got money

from the Lambdas to throw them a party.

Recorded? What are you, bugged?

Do I need to frisk you?

Why is my story

such a big deal to you?

Because I didn't want the students

to know I threw the party.

They paid me, but that's not

the only reason I did it.

Lambdas are cool in their own right.

People just needed to realize it.

I'm sorry. I didn't know

you had a benevolent agenda.

There's two sides

to every story, Gwen.

I have a chance to make front page

of the graduation issue...

which is a huge deal to me.

Let me get the other side.

There's this function

I'm hosting tomorrow night.

If you want...

you could tag along.

- I'll be there.

- It's a date.

It's an interview.

Remember, today's assignment

is about shadow.

So don't get too hung up

on detail.

All right, everybody?

Oh, Lord!

So much sinew,

I need a bigger pencil.

Yeah, that's fine.

Word spread around campus. My calendar

was filled with parties to plan.

Van Wilder, party liaison, was born.

At the Hillel House, I broke bread.

And then I broke the boredom.

They said I did them a mitzvah.

That's Yiddish for "good deed."

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