Varsity Blues

In America we have laws.

Laws against killing.

Laws against stealing.

It's accepted that, as a member of

society, you will live by these laws.

In West Canaan, Texas, there's

another society that has its own laws.

Football is a way of life.

That's me as a kid,

playing ball with my best friends.

I'm Jonathan Moxon,

but most people call me Mox.

As a boy in West Canaan, you never

question the sanctity of football.

You just listened to the coaches

and tried as best you could to win.

Win at all costs.

Good morning, Creighton Miles here,

looking forward to seeing you tonight

at Bud Kilmer stadium as the

Coyotes take on the Bingville Bulls...

- Think you'll play tonight ?

- Do I ever ?

Lance is the best quarterback

in the state.

Maybe if you run up the score...

What if Lance gets hurt ?

That would be a disaster.

As a man on the cross,

pray for the health of Lance Harbor.

- Son, did you pray for playing time ?

- Yeah, I just spoke to Jesus upstairs.

- The crucified 11-year-old in my room.

- Is Kyle strapped to that cross again ?

Kyle... ! Why is he so difficult ?

What is it with the cross ?

- I'm preparing to die for man's sins.

- That's so sweet.

I want it off now. How is your brother

supposed to concentrate on the game

when you've got this whole deal

strapped to your back ?

- He's just experimenting.

- I'm serious.

- We need to concentrate on the game.

- That's probably Billy Bob.

Hey Mox, you skinny-assed b*tch !

Let's roll !

Come on, man. Get in the truck.

Let's go. Earn it ! You got it !

You're almost there !

Here we go !

- You tell him, Bacon.

- Bacon, off in the flatbed.

If this swine fucks up my new suit,

he's road ham !

I'm sorry, Wendell.

Just kick him off.

I'm gonna toss your pig ass

out on the street.

- I love that dog.

- I think it's a pig.

I love you, brother.

I had the most beautiful dream

last night.

If you need anything,

you let me know.

Tweeder, let's go !

Come on, just jump on !

Good mooning, boys.

I've been up since the crack of dawn

and I have to ass you a question.

- What is up with Carrie-Anne Baker ?

- Darcy's friend ?

Oh, my God ! She's got this look !

That "I wanna suck your dick" look.

- Relax, man, you've got to focus.

- I can't focus. I need to get some ass !

I need to get some ass.

I'm about to f*** your pig !

Give me a kiss.

Tonight we play Bingville.

Tonight we beat Bingville !

In my 30 years of coaching

at West Canaan,

I have brought two state titles

and 22 district championships.

Count them !

And this year,

with your support for this great team,

I will bring number 23.

Go, Pack ! Go, Pack !

Now I present to you our captain,

Lance Harbor. Let's hear it !

- Hi.

- How are you.

I swear Kilmer gets off on this.

He's made your brother a god.

I was lying in bed last night...

I drifted off and had a dream

we were beating Bingville 14-3.

But I woke up kind of sad.

But then I realised it was only a dream.

We'll beat Bingville by more than that.

- This insanity's over in a few weeks.

- Five more games.

No more football, no more Kilmer. If

I get into Brown, no more West Canaan.

- No more games on Friday nights.

- You don't like games on Friday ?

- I like trains better.

- Really...

- You wanna watch trains tonight ?

- Sure.

This is Creighton Miles,

the voice of West Canaan football.

The Coyotes play the Bingville Bulls,

as they try to stay undefeated.

Joining me is Stubby "Stud-Daddy"

Tanner, former defensive great.

- You have a few words for the folks ?

- Just one thing for Bingville fans.

Tell granny to move, the Coyotes

are coming to burn her house down.

Though I walk through the valley of the

shadow of death, I'll not fear Bingville.

Stay loose, Mox. You never know

when Kilmer might play you.

Bingville don't stand no chance

and Bingville can't see my dance.

You wanna see

the new Tweeder end zone dance ?

You know what it's called ?

The new Tweeder end zone dance.

Stick...

What a night Lance Harbor's had !

Sammy, that's about the most action

your boy's seen, ain't it ?

The Coyotes are punching it in for six.

Billy Bob...

Trainer !

- Did we score ?

- Yeah, we got the six.

How many fingers ?

Three.

It's got to be true/false. Billy Bob, he's

holding up some fingers, true or false ?

- True ?

- He's all right.

If your daddy hadn't played

his heart out for me, I'd cut your ass.

That was a good game tonight.

Good pass, Bo.

Johnny and Robert, defence

in third quarter, excellent effort.

Game ball goes to,

surprise, surprise, Lance Harbor.

Get yourself another shelf.

Pretty good running the ball, Wendell.

- How are you feeling ?

- Dog tired. It's my knee.

Never show weakness. The only pain

that matters is the pain you inflict.

Look at Billy Bob.

He's got enough heart for all of you.

Four more games.

Hang in there, you're doing fine.

Tweeder, you got any ?

My knee's killing me.

- 500 mg. How many can I have ?

- Keep them.

I got more at home.

We need more effort. What is this sh*t ?

I'm not interested in your muscles !

Kilmer...

What a f***ing a**hole, huh ?

I'm getting f***ed-up tonight.

There you go. Chug it. What do

you mean, is he a boy or a girl ?

Look at the size of that sausage !

I just got so excited about next year,

Florida State and the future...

I think I need to be your wide receiver.

- Really, babe ? Here ?

- Not here here.

But somewhere here.

- How come you never dress like that ?

- It costs a lot to look that cheap.

- She's pretty sharp. She pulls A's.

- That's not all she pulls.

- I'm just saying she's not stupid.

- You shut up.

She broke my heart

so I broke her jaw...

- When did you graduate ?

- I'm class of 1980.

- He's class of 1980.

- And you still come to these parties ?

- I never miss these.

- That's team spirit.

Are you ready to be on

"America's Hilarious Home Videos" ?

- Absolutely.

- All right. Put down that glass.

Pick up that there flower pot.

Bring it up over your head.

Now close your eyes.

Think real hard...

You getting this ?

Say, "I'm stupid and I'm about

to get hit in the nuts."

- That's funny.

- Ain't it ?

They need to change the name to

"America's Funniest Shots in the Nuts".

- I don't know if I can concentrate here.

- Relax...

Let the dryer do the work.

All right, fancy boy,

you ready to show us your dinner ?

Nothing but net.

You thinking about

calling some dinosaurs ?

I figured I'd give them...

...a holler.

Billy Bob's gonna puke.

Hey, if you're hungry,

I left a few hot dogs in here.

I'm back ! Puke and rally !

That's the way to ride them.

First-string offence, take water.

Dummios, follow your dummy QB

for a scrimmage.

Moxon, pick it up !

Your attitude's earning you laps, boy.

Keep smiling, shithead.

He used to hammer my ass

the same way 27 years ago.

- Hell, it's good for them.

- They're having the time of their lives.

- Oop-dee-oop left, on one.

- Let's go, big Mox !

Shift !

What the hell kind of offence is that ?

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