Venus Page #2

MAN:
No. Goodbye. Goodbye.

Goodbye, Dad.

MAN 2:
And cut.

-Very good.

-MAN 3:
AII right, thanks, everybody.

-Are you okay?

-I think I'm going to die.

You can't die yet, Maurice, we haven't

shot them carrying the body out yet.

(CHUCKLING)

Hello, mate.

Here you are, Mr. Russell,

as requested.

Thanks, old chap.

And may I take some of these cakes?

Sure, why not?

I'II pack some up for you.

Thank you.

I'm in such pain, dear,

I don't want to Iive.

Yes, you do.

AImost all of us want you to Iive.

I have to have an operation.

-What is it?

-Prostate.

-I'm sure it's just routine.

-Maurice, I'm so sorry.

You've always wanted

to remove my balls surgically.

These cakes are awfully nice.

Action.

Bravo.

I've been at it Iike a dog all day.

I'm utterly broken.

-What were you playing?

-A corpse, more or Iess.

Typecast again.

(CHUCKLING)

Here. I asked them for cash.

Well, not all of it.

PIease, take it.

Put it towards the boiler,

it gets cold in here.

The whole thing's useless.

It's all got to be replaced, Maurice,

the radiators, everything.

-The man came yesterday.

-I owe you thousands.

Over the years,

you've been more than generous.

-I haven't forgotten.

-No.

Can't the children contribute?

Can't we Iook after ourselves

in our old age?

(EXCLAIMING)

-Sammy's gone.

-He has?

-Yeah.

-Christ.

Big picture of him here

as a handsome young spunker.

-Another one down.

-Yeah.

I wonder how many Iines I'II get?

A paragraph.

Lo, here comes Caesar.

And moving rather rapidly

for someone who's just picked up

his disability check.

Oh, God.

-Hello, Iove.

-Hello, Donald.

Thank Christ she's asleep now.

She's drunk all my best Stoli

and the Scotch!

She even put away the Drambuie

I was saving for your Christmas visit.

God, no?

I bought this Iovely bit

of halibut yesterday,

but she didn't know what to do with it.

Dear Jesus.

Her notion of cooking is to stick a plate

of virtual sick into the microwave.

-Well, can't you call the police?

-That's a very good idea.

Oh, or just kill them, kill the young.

Exterminate their disgusting happiness

and hope.

This is not f***ing funny!

I've got high blood pressure.

I could die at any moment.

-Why doesn't she just go back home?

-I rang my niece. I begged her.

I wept more than Antigone.

I said I'd pay for the taxi

to wherever, you know.

Martha said there is no job

in the countryside.

There must be some demand

for barmaids and prostitutes.

Yeah, I mean, even in the country

they need young women to Iap dance.

-What? What?

-What do you know about that?

You can Iearn a Iot from the television.

Look, the fact is

Martha just doesn't want her back.

But to unleash her on us Iike this,

you know.

-Maliciously.

-MAURICE:
Exactly.

-It's pure evil.

-DONALD:
Of course it is.

-Evil.

-Did your niece do it deliberately?

What? What?

You men are Iaughing at me.

-Let's think about this collectively.

-Yeah, please, please, please.

-Thank you.

-We hate to see you suffer, Ian.

Oh, please, Maurice,

you're fond of women, all women,

and you're resourceful. Help me.

You couldn't have come

to a better man.

A scientist of the female heart.

-A professor of p*ssy.

-That's it.

F***ing shut it, Donald!

You're really getting on my nerves!

"F***ing shut it, Donald!

You're really getting on my nerves!"

-F***ing shut it.

-F***ing shut it!

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

-He's at doctors.

-Good.

What?

MAURICE:
After scouring the earth

on your behalf, Jessie,

I'm here to announce

I've got you a job.

-Liar.

-It's true. Modeling.

-You've done that?

-Yeah. PIeased?

-I said you could rely on me.

-Well, what sort of clothes is it?

Do you think I'II get to keep them

at the end?

-I'm not sure about that.

-Why not?

There's no actual clothes involved.

What? None at all?

No. Not as such. No.

No clothes. None at all.

You're having me do a porno?

I'm not Ietting anyone I know

see me chuffs and bumps.

-It's not Iike that.

-What's it Iike then?

-You'II see.

-You better not be trying to corrupt me.

I am shocked, Jessie,

that you would think of me Iike this.

I am a respectable and respected man.

Oh, yeah, right.

"Chuffs and bumps."

I've never heard that before.

-Now you're thinking about it!

-I'm not, I promise.

-You think about summat else.

-I shall.

Jesus.

Well, when do I start?

Don't keep touching me!

MAURICE:
For a moment there

I thought my Iegs might go.

That's no reason to cling on.

Just Iet yourself fall to the ground

natural-Iike.

MAURICE:
Thank you.

I can't do it

with anyone I know watching.

You've got to be professional, my dear.

-But I'm nervous.

-So am I.

-I am frightened, okay?

-Mr. Russell, if you don't mind...

-What?

-Could you, please...

Thank you and goodnight.

Everything all right?

MAURICE:
You won't be able

to do it if you can't relax

and let people look at you.

It's the human form, as it is,

naked, in its weakness and beauty.

Oh, yeah?

What would your mother say?

She says if I weren't born,

she'd be better off.

JESSIE:
Is this it?

MAURICE:
This is it.

There.

You see?

-Is her name Venus?

-No.

Venus is a goddess.

Accompanied by Eros,

she creates Iove and desire

in us mortals

Ieading often

to foolishness and despair.

The usual sh*t.

For most men,

a woman's body is the

most beautiful thing they will ever see.

What's the most beautiful thing

a girl sees?

Do you know?

Her first child.

Are you all right?

JESSIE:
I'm not doing any more

of that modeling, I can tell you that.

MAURICE:
The model for Venus

was a real woman, just Iike you,

that's what caused all the fuss.

JESSIE:
Do a bit then.

-MAURICE:
Now?

-If you're so good at it.

"Is this a dagger which I see before me,

The handle toward my hand?

"Come, Iet me clutch thee:

"I have thee not,

and yet I see thee still."

-Now, tell me, who wrote that?

-I don't know.

Really?

AII right then, smart-arse,

what about this?

"I should be so Iucky,

Iucky, Iucky, Iucky.

"I should be so Iucky."

Well? Who wrote it?

-Not a clue.

-Well, there you are then.

JESSIE:
Hey,

it's Iike a beach down there.

MAURICE:

I Iived by the sea when I was a child.

It always calms me.

Shall we go to the seaside, Venus?

I'd rather go to Topshop.

(CHUCKLING)

I'II take you to Iunch.

JESSIE:
Take me somewhere posh.

MAURICE:
Posh?

JESSIE:
I want to meet someone

really famous, not just you.

Who are these bastards?

Some of these arseholes

were very well-known.

-For what?

-You cheer me up, you know.

-You have a Iaugh at me, don't you?

-Just a Iittle.

-I'II get you back.

-You will.

Don't you worry.

MAURICE:
Keep still.

-It's not surgery.

-I don't trust you.

Got it. A palpable hit.

But where has the Iittle f***er gone?

Who cares? It's free now.

I can't have my home

scattered with toenails.

Oh, God.

I'II have to get my other glasses.

They're around your f***ing neck.

Oh, thank you.

Where's that bastard toenail?

(EXCLAIMS)

There's the Iittle f***er.

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