Venus Page #3

How's Valerie?

Phoning me continuously

with complaints.

You're her husband.

-Am I?

-Yeah.

You did one of your runners,

if you remember.

Did I?

But I never wanted to be independent.

I Iove it.

I am about to die

and I know nothing about myself.

You have been Ioved, though, Maurice.

-You've been adored.

-Yes.

And so have you, Ian, a Iittle bit.

Except you didn't always notice it.

God, my bloody back!

No, you can't cling to me Iike this, Ian,

we'II both go down.

Put me on my feet then,

you silly old fool!

You're on your feet.

-Oh. Yeah, well, thank you.

-Not at all.

(BOTH HUMMING)

To keep the Iittle minx away from you,

I'm going to sacrifice my day

by taking her shopping.

-Marvelous.

-But I'II need 20 quid for refreshments.

-Done.

-Good boy. What are you going to do?

I need to Iie down.

She's exhausted me.

I'm going to have a pre-nap nap.

-Where is she?

-Dead, I'm sure of it.

Are you absolutely certain?

There will be no sign of Iife

for several hours.

Don't do that.

Coming with me today?

You want me to?

Okay.

Get up then.

I haven't got anything to wear.

I can't think of anything more enraging,

my dear.

-If you try and Iook at me, I'II...

-Look?

I am Iosing the will to Iive, Venus.

I'II rip your eyes out

and stick them up your arse!

JESSIE:
Does it suit me?

Yes.

Oh, yes.

In what way?

In all possible ways.

It goes with your...

-What?

-Nail varnish.

I'm not wearing nail varnish.

It's beautiful.

WOMAN:
Next?

Hello there. It's Iovely, isn't it?

Maurice, thank you.

How will you be paying, sir?

Oh, yes, right.

-What's that?

-One of Uncle Ian's toenail clippings.

Oh, my God!

Otherwise, I'm afraid, I've only got a 20.

Next?

Jessie?

Jessie!

You humiliated me!

(MAURICE GROANING)

-That will teach you!

-But weren't we gonna have Iunch?

I never wanna see you again!

Now I can never go back into that shop!

-You ready?

-Christ!

-Will it hurt?

-Only if you struggle.

NURSE:
Come on now.

Now this might be a bit cold.

(MAURICE EXCLAIMING)

It's all right.

Now just relax.

MAURICE:
Jesus!

Everything all right here?

Now, I've done hundreds of these.

There's a strong chance

of impotence and incontinence.

But you won't be dead

and that is a result.

Okay, Iet's get him to theater.

PORTER:
Here we go.

MAURICE:
I've always Iiked the theater.

-IAN:
Why didn't you tell me?

-Oh, you know.

I didn't want to think about it.

I hate sympathy.

But you wouldn't have got any from me.

-I know. You're a true friend.

-Yes.

How's the nurse?

It's agony. I told her to be on her way.

-Where will she go?

-That's up to her.

They always need people in Africa,

I hear.

It hardly seems worth going home.

Why not? I am a free man!

We just wouldn't recommend it,

that's all.

Not for someone so soon

after an operation.

Why don't you wait to see the doctor?

Because there are people

I need to see!

-Well, can't they come here?

-No!

-Hello.

-Hello, Jessie.

-It's you.

-Yes, it is more or Iess.

Why didn't you tell me

you were having an operation?

I didn't want to cheer you up.

Here.

-Free at Iast.

-I'm glad.

What?

I'm glad, you know.

I'm glad you're back.

Well, well, well.

How are you, my old fruit?

Do you think Jessie

will cut my toenails?

(MAN SINGING ON TV)

I wouldn't Iet her near my body

with anything sharp.

-No.

-What's that smell?

-Cologne.

-Oh, God.

Get rid of it! It's making me vertiginous!

JESSIE:
Drinks, gentlemen?

This is unusual, Jessie.

Are you on ketamine,

GBH or just the mushrooms?

-Very good, Uncle.

-You see, Maurice, I'm contemporary.

Right.

-I can't see.

-What?

-I can't see. Put it somewhere else.

-Where?

Somewhere else. There.

Where you Iike. There, over there.

-God, I can't breathe!

-Stop shouting then.

I can't get through to you otherwise!

-Oh, no. No.

-What now?

Oh, God!

Thank you.

Everyone knows

you don't put milk in Iemon tea.

You Iike milk.

I've told you, only on my cereal.

Not on anything else.

You Iike it in your hot chocolate.

-What?

-I said you Iike it in your hot chocolate.

God! I'm exhausted, I really am.

Fan me, Maurice, before I expire.

Nuts, anyone?

BIoody nuts! God.

I can't wait to get back to work.

I'II take anything.

-Really?

-Except corpses. No, I don't need that.

I've cornered the market there.

If I don't get anything,

I'II write my memoirs.

-That shouldn't take Iong.

-What?

What do you do to her at your age?

It's a very difficult thing.

But I'm nice to her.

Yeah?

-I'II make you a cup of tea.

-Thank you.

MAN:
You're like a little fairy.

I will die soon, Venus.

Can I touch your hand?

That's one chat up Iine I haven't heard.

-I'm impotent, of course.

-Thank Christ.

But I can still take a theoretical interest.

-Have you been thinking about me?

-AII the time I was in hospital.

What did you think about me?

I saw your body.

Which part?

Your hair.

Your feet.

Your Iegs, your behind, your eyes.

-My eyes?

-Your elbows.

Your c*nt.

Oh, shut up.

You can touch my hand.

Only with your fingers.

Anything else will make me vomitous.

Can I ask you,

have you ever been in Iove before?

I can do it. I want to do it.

I am well enough. I need the money.

Thank you. But I will need a big car.

Yeah, an enormous f***er.

-You must be really famous.

-I am. I am.

It's a really important role.

The Iinchpin of the story.

Yep, it's also a speaking part.

(PUT YOUR RECORDS ON

PLAYING ON CAR STEREO)

I'II explain everything to you

on the way.

I think you should work in films.

-Do you?

-Definitely, yes.

Hey, can we open the roof?

This is wicked!

Turn it up, my man!

More volume.

You will see how fickle men are in Iove,

just Iike women.

I will not believe it

until I see it with my own eyes.

They come.

-You were in Iove with another?

-I don't Iove you!

But my body cannot do

without your hands!

You see that when it comes to Iove,

men...

MAN:
And cut.

WOMAN:
End board.

MAN 2:
Cut. Cut.

Are you okay, Maurice?

Someone bring him a chair.

It's hot. These clothes are heavy.

MAN 1 :
Barry. Barry?

MAN 2:
Thank you so much.

MAN 1 :
AII right, well, Iet's...

We're gonna have to move on,

then we can...

MAN 2:
AII right, that's fine, cool.

MAN 1 :
Let's give him

two minutes, right.

Thank you.

Okay.

Ready.

"I am sorry, my Iove,

but we must part for good.

"I am not the man to make you happy

and so we must say goodbye."

(WOMAN SOBBING)

Oh, sure. Sure.

How does she do it?

I could never have done that.

-I'm sure you could.

-I didn't realize it was so hard.

-It's brilliant. I could never do that.

-Mind you, she's terribly pretty.

-Am I not?

-Oh, Venus!

Now you've upset me.

Jesus, Maurice, do you never Iearn?

-Sorry.

-You will be.

My dear,

will you pass me my trousers?

-What is that?

-A catheter.

-Oh, my God!

-I think it's Ieaking.

I don't want it on my shoes.

-You're always dripping, Maurice.

-Hold on.

There's always bits of you

where there shouldn't be.

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