Verry Terry

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1

- All right, my son? You look nervous!

- I am. How's it looking? All right?

- Yeah, looks great.

- How's the set? All right?

- Brilliant.

- Yeah, yeah. Audience are in?

- Yeah, they're all in.

- Beautiful. What about the guests?

Guests are there?

- Yeah, yeah. They're all in, Dad.

- Lovely, lovely.

All in. Don't worry.

What about, you know, the guy

that does the announcement?

What?

Oh, f***ing hell.

And now...

live from London Town...

it's Verry Terry!

With tonight's special guests,

Mr Mickey Rourke

and Miss Anthea Turner.

And now, here he is...

Mr Terry Tibbs!

Ah. How are you? How are you?

How are you?

Look at her face. Sort it out,

sort it out.

How you doing? You all right?

How are you?

Terry Tibbs, we'll be working

together. Nice to see you, yeah.

How are you? Nice to meet you.

Terry Tibbs.

Take my card, take my card.

Hi, how are you?

How are you? Terry Tibbs.

Very nice to meet you.

Hi, Terry Tibbs.

Very nice to meet you.

Hi, Terry Tibbs,

very nice to meet you.

Hello. Welcome to Verry Terry.

And I'm very proud to say that I

have my son in the audience tonight.

Lionel, stand up for everyone.

This is my son, Lionel.

Lionel, everyone. Single.

He is single. Very good looking.

Also, I have my dear father

in the audience tonight,

ladies and gentlemen, that's right.

How are you dad? You all right?

Yeah, he's great. He's great.

He's having a good time.

Having a good time.

Now, let me tell you.

Now, we don't just gotoneguest,

oh, no.

We don't just gottwoguests, we...

Well, we got two guests, right,

but what we also got is a live band,

ladies and gentlemen,

He's actually sang at four

out of six of my divorces.

It's unbelievable.

First up, a man who needs no

introduction.

He's a Hollywood legend and star of

such movies as

9 Weeks, Rumble Fish, Angel Heart,

and, who could forget, his

Oscar-nominated turn in The Boxer.

The Wrestler, Dad, Wrestler.

Oh, f***ing hell.

It's Mickey Rourke!

Mickey Rourke! Mickey Rourke!

Mickey! Mickey!

How are you?

Good. Looking good.

Yeah.

Let's do the thing.

You look good.

It's Mickey f***ing Rourke,

ladies and gentlemen!

Just unbelievable.

It's f***ing unbelievable.

You know they don't...

You can't leave a place

in a f***ing tip!

Sorry about that, Mickey.

It's OK.

Yeah you take a seat, all right.

All right.

F*** me, it's Mickey Rourke.

Unbelievable.

Did you f*** up the name of my movie?

I have to admit...

It's OK.

Mickey I did, I apologise.

I was getting carried away.

It's OK. We're good.

You see? Forgiveness.

Ain't that right, Mickey?

- We're good. We're all good.

- We're all good, yeah.

Me and Mickey are cool,

that's right, we're cool as...

As what? What are we like?

As a cucumber.

As a cucumber, yeah.

As a cucumber.

Yeah, I've heard about yours.

Yeah.

F***ing hell. Don't you think

Mickey's got a cool name?

Yeah.

It's not my real name.

Is it not?

My real name's Andre.

Andre? Andre Rourke?

Hi, my name's Andre Rourke

and I'm a Hollywood star.

What I wanted to say, Mickey,

you're in London Town,

and why are you in our great city?

Well, I was in a really lovely

city before I got...

I was in Wales.

Oh, Wales? Yeah.

Oh, Wales is lovely,

any Welsh people out here?

Yes!

Ah!

Oh, f***ing hell.

Actually, stand up. We'd better

confirm this, Mickey.

Oh, yeah, she's very pretty.

She's got to be from Wales.

Oh, she's definitely Welsh.

Oh, yeah.

Can we invite her over?

- Oh, we could do later. Yeah?

- Yeah, I'm sure she'd love that. Yeah.

Move your little ass over here, baby.

Yeah, look at that.

I've seen it, Mickey, it's not that

little, to be honest.

Never mind. Did you get

a lot of attention in Wales?

And a lot of fat girls, yeah.

Oh. I like this guy.

Yeah.

Oh, fat girls. Oh, yeah.

Bouncing up and down, you know,

f***ing nearly killing you.

I mean that's... How do you think

he ended up in a wheelchair?

Plus-size model fetish.

Yeah.

That's right. Look at him now, eh?

Yeah but you know what they say about

every f***ing supermodel, right?

I know.

There's only so long one can

sit on your face

before you suffer irreparable

brain damage.

What are you doing in Wales?

I went to Wales to visit a friend

of mine who's a rugby player.

Yeah.

Who I'd met a couple of years ago

and asked him

if I could do his life story.

Gareth Thomas...

Gareth Thomas.

Now for those of you who don't know

who Gareth Thomas is...

You tell them.

Yeah, I will. Yeah.

Thank you.

Gareth Thomas is a Welsh rugby

player who's also a gay.

A what?

A gay. It was quite big news here,

you know...

Big news everywhere.

First gay sportsman to come out

the closet.

Big balls. Does he?

Yeah. You've seen them?

- Like grapefruits.

- Like grapefruits.

Grapefruits? F***ing hell.

Like coconuts.

Listen, I've got the number

of a very good plastic surgeon.

He reduced mine.

They were like a couple of melons.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, yeah. I had to juice them daily.

Where are you staying?

Where?

- In London.

- I'm in Wales.

Oh, you're not Mickey, you're in...

Oh, OK. Right, yeah.

Where are you staying in London,

though?

Are you staying, are you going back

to Wales?

Well, I'm staying in Wales,

but I'm in London right now.

- Oh, right, and where are you staying?

- In Wales.

Oh, right. So you come to London

for the night,

you're going back to Wales.

I told you I was staying with

a fat chick in Wales.

In Wales.

In Wales.

That's amazing. I was going

to recommend the Premier Inn.

What's the Premier Inn?

Ah, let me tell you.

I'm glad you asked.

OK, I've got a sponsorship

deal going on.

I've got to do all this.

Mickey, the Premier Inn,

is the premier place to stay.

Yeah, but I heard it was

a really sh*t place.

Eh? Who told you that?

That's not true.

You get a complementary kettle

on arrival. That's right!

You get a range of hot and cold

beverages. That's right!

You get these little capsules,

right, with milk in,

and the milk doesn't need

to be refrigerated.

Actually, I'll tell you what,

I will give you, yeah,

cos you're dissing the Premier Inn,

I'm going to give you Colin's number

he's the area manager. All right?

And give him a call. Just tell him

Terry sent you, yeah?

Do you like an English breakfast?

Oh, you like a Welsh breakfast.

I wouldn't stay in the Premier Inn

even with my fat girl

if your life depended on it.

Verry Terry.

Oh, eh.

Wait a minute, Ferry Terry.

Ferry Terry?

- Ferry Terry.

- Ferry Terry.

Well, very Andre

and a little bit of Mickey.

Hey listen, f*** that.

I'm giving you

a recommendation, here.

I was about to write down a voucher

card that would have given you,

all right, late checkout and

an extra egg at breakfast time.

But now you can f***ing forget it!

Ah. Hey.

Throwing my generosity

back in my face.

The truth is that

I'm a big fan of yours.

Thank you, Terry.

And I've seen most of your body

of work, you know,

and most of it is outstanding,

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