Vice Versa Page #4

- What's the problem?

Wow! It said what I said.

It's supposed to do that.

You squeeze the antler.

Some talk gibberish. A woman

in Kenilwon'th, hers swore in Polish.

Can I keep this one?

- Well, yeah, sure. It's your call.

- Fine. Run with it, babe.

I think they're trying to pass the buck,

Marshall. Or in this case, the moose.

Moose.

How are we today?

Fine.

Oh, Marcie, if that lady

who came here yesterday calls back...

...I need to talk to her, okay?

- Okay.

Your kid's school called to confirm

an appointment with his teacher.

Right. Anything else?

The janitor left a note to say

there's a frog in your bathroom.

Oh, no. I forgot!

We need some flies or insects!

He must be starving!

Come on, come on.

I won't be able to do the science fair!

Give it back! Give it back!

Come on. Please.

- Come on, guys.

- What's going on here?

- They've got my project.

- Great odds.

It takes three of you

to harass this child.

- Go screw yourself, ass-wipe.

- Oh, a prospective English major.

Now, give the young lady her project

and we'll forget all about this.

Hey, hey, come on.

Give her her stuff back.

Oh, man!

- Oh, yeah! All right!

- You got his ass good.

Name in the top, right-hand corner.

Let's try to make it legible, Corey.

Melissa, this does not require

a discussion from you.

Pencils down, people, test is over.

Available in calfskin or alligator,

combination lock...

...built-in digital timepiece and

a rather unique anti-personnel device.

For your type of skin, I would

recommend our facial scrub.

It's clinically formulated,

allergy-tested...

As an extra, we offer

a concealed compartment...

...to contain a poisonous gas

of your choice.

Could I interest you

in an eye-contour gel?

It works wonders.

Yeah!

- We have to talk.

- Wait.

I'm about to beat

my all-time personal best.

- You know what this is?

- I'm not a salesman, sir.

- I'm an executive vice president.

- Yo, Marshall.

Marshall.

It's the moose again. Now we've got

two consumer groups on our backs.

I say we tough it out.

What, you'll recall those mooses?

Moose.

The plural for moose is "moose."

- What, you're gonna say "gooses"?

- "Geese." You're saying it's "meese"?

- I don't know what it is...

- Guys, could we can the semantics?

I played with my moose

for 20 minutes and it broke.

- So?

- So...

...it's not fair.

Kid takes it home and it breaks.

We've sold 100,000 of the suckers.

Are you telling me

we just call them all in?

Do it!

Handguns are in Sporting Goods, sir.

What are you doing here?

What's going on?

How did she get to become

a track coach?

She makes me sick.

Man, you just don't know.

She is so fat, man.

Freeze!

Calhoun, High School Patrol.

Nice try, kid.

Okay, spread! Up against the wall.

You too, tuna breath.

- Look, I only took a drag.

- Did I say you could talk...

...punk?

Word on the street is you barf bags are

giving seventh-grade kids a hard time.

- Hey, we were just smoking, man.

- I know what's going down!

You don't wanna draw any heat,

you'll get off their case.

- Yeah.

- Yeah, it's cool.

Hey, butt-heads, come here.

I'm gonna be back in half an hour...

...and those bowls

had better be gleaming.

- Hi, Dad.

- What are you doing here?

You never said you had

to see my teacher.

You never told me

you had hockey practice!

Mr. Seymour.

Hi.

I'm Jane Luttrell.

- Yes, I know.

- I'm happy we have this chance to talk.

I have to be honest,

I'm concerned about Charlie.

- I'm sure you'll agree, he's an enigma.

- A what?

A puzzle. Well, I've already graded

yesterday's test papers.

- How did he do?

- Exceptionally well.

Which only confirms

what I have suspected all along.

He's working far below his potential.

He's too easily distracted.

He lacks focus. He lacks...

...concentration.

I'm trying to tell you,

your son is a dreamer.

- All he thinks about is music.

- He likes music. And you know what?

Maybe one day he'll be a big star.

And you'll ask him to come back

and give prizes...

...and maybe he won't

because you dumped on him!

I'm the last person

to discourage outside interests.

I just wish I could have his attention

in my classroom.

Well, maybe he finds your classes

totally boring.

Well, it might be something else.

Mr. Seymour...

...this is a little embarrassing.

Charlie may be getting to that age.

Well, frankly,

I think he has a crush on me.

No way!

What do you girls think

you're doing? Move it!

Get over here! How many times do

I have to tell you not to bury the puck?

Move it! Move it!

You guys are terrible!

I'm gonna send you back

to your mothers! You can't skate!

Can someone tell me

what's going on here?!

Am I in the wrong place? Are these

the auditions for the Ice Capades?

In the locker room, in the classroom,

you guys may be buddies!

Out here, all I want to see is hate!

The city pays this man

to shape young minds?

You two, out!

Doug, Charlie, you're in.

- Do you mind if I sit out this one?

- Do I what?

- Acid stomach.

- Get out there!

Move it, Seymour! Hustle, buddy!

What are you waiting for?

Oh, no!

Dad!

What a spaz!

Hope I didn't put in

too much vermouth.

You really have

the worst of this deal, Dad.

It's funny, I don't remember 11

being this tough.

1964.

I played second base in Little League.

The Beatles were on the radio.

- I saw my first James Bond film.

- James Bond was alive then?

I'm not all that old.

I got married very young.

Your mother and I

were still in college.

We were a crazy couple of kids.

Are you sorry?

Of course not.

Otherwise, I wouldn't have had you.

I'll get it, Dad.

Hi, I'm Debbie.

I'm your babysitter.

I forgot. I arranged a sitter

because I was seeing Sam tonight.

- I'll go.

- Out of the question.

She's worried about your unit, Dad!

If you stand her up tonight,

she may never, ever talk to you again.

Ever.

- Hi, Sam.

- Hi.

- I don't wanna go to Antoine's tonight.

- Fine.

Because I know what will happen

if we do.

We'll have a wonderful meal.

I'll drink way too much wine...

...and we'll end up in bed together.

No, we won't.

I'm serious, Marshall.

We need to talk.

Wouldrt you rather go to a concert?

Did you get ahold of tickets

to Mahler's Second?

No, it's not Mahler.

These guys are radical!

We want everybody...

...to get their fists in the air!

Let me hear you!

I guess you felt bad about

not letting Charlie go to the concert.

So you did the next best thing.

You went to all this trouble

just to get him an autograph.

That's really sweet, Marshall.

"To Charlie:
Party till you puke.

Love, Malice."

I think Charlie being around is having

a very positive effect on you, Marshall.

I mean, tonight you completely

disarmed me.

You showed me a person

I really wanna be with.

I want to be with you tonight.

There's some magazines over there.

We could watch MTV.

I think I've heard enough music

for one evening.

Besides...

...we don't wanna wake Charlie up.

Why?

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