Victoria & Abdul

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1

(MUEZZIN CALLING)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Idiot!

(SPEAKING Hindi)

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)

(SPEAKING Hindi)

Ah! Mr. Karim!

I wanted to speak to you

about the carpets

we sent to the

British Exhibition.

There is a problem, sir?

No, no.

The carpets went down

very well.

In fact,

the Governor General

has received a letter

from the Royal Household

thanking him personally.

It's all been such a success,

he has decided

to present the Queen with a

"Mohur" as part of the Jubilee.

A "Mohur," sir?

A Mohur.

Apparently, it's some sort

of ceremonial coin.

I have been asked to find

someone tall to present it.

You're the

tallest person here.

When will she

be arriving, sir?

Not in Agra...

In England!

You will travel to England

and present the Mohur

at an official function.

Like an equerry.

On a horse?

I don't think there'll be

a horse. (CHUCKLES)

Equerry always has a horse,

Mr. Tyler, sir.

Well, maybe not like

an equerry, exactly.

(SCATTERED CONVERSATIONS)

Morning!

Ah! Morning!

This is Major Bigge...

Extra Groom-in-Waiting to the

Royal Household, Windsor,

who will be in charge

of your journey.

This is Abdul.

Top hole!

And this is Mohammed,

who will also be

presenting the Mohur.

He's very short.

We had to swap him

at the last moment.

The tall chap had an accident

with an elephant.

(QUEEN VICTORIA SNORING)

MRS. TUCK:

Good morning, Your Majesty.

(GROANS)

MAJOR BIGGE:
At the head

is the Lord Chamberlain,

then the Private Secretary,

the Deputy Private Secretary,

the ladies-in-waiting, the upper servants,

the lower-upper servants.

Then the members

of the Household.

One, the Head

of the Bedchamber.

Two, the Personal

Head of Staff.

Three, the Butler in Chief, who is

in charge of the Household Butler,

the kitchen factotum, the Head Chef,

the head of waiting staff,

the ordinary waiting staff,

Windsor, the table maids,

then you.

Any questions?

Uh-huh. Who will have

the Mohur, sir?

I'm not exactly sure as yet.

I suspect you'll both

carry it on a cushion.

Do we both

get a cushion?

I really don't know.

The key to good service is standing

still and moving backwards.

The most important thing

is you must not look at her.

(SPEAKING URDU)

Have you any idea

how cold it is in England?

We're gonna die there.

Why did you agree to come?

The tall one

fell off an elephant.

I wasn't given a choice.

Ugh! Five thousand miles

to present a bloody medal

to the oppressor of the

entire Indian subcontinent.

You don't realize what a

great honor this is for us.

Have you ever tasted English food?

They eat pigs' blood.

They do not eat pigs' blood.

I'm telling you.

They put pigs' blood in the

sausages and brains of sheep.

Ugh!

(CHUCKLES)

The place is

completely barbaric.

(SHIP WHISTLE HOOTING)

(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)

BEGGAR:
Give me some money.

Please, sir.

Civilization!

Give us a farthing.

Give us a farthing, sir.

Arms.

(QUEEN VICTORIA GROANS)

TAILOR:
Arms.

We copied them from some

drawings in the British Museum.

Splendid!

You do know a sash is

not traditional, sir?

The Indian drawings

didn't look very... "Indian."

So we made some innovations.

The important thing

is to look

authentic.

MAJOR BIGGE:

Looks jolly good to me.

SIR HENRY:
Jubilee celebrations.

9:
00, breakfast in London.

Quarter to 10:
00,

changing of the guard.

11:
00, meeting with

the Swedish Ambassador.

12:
00, luncheon with Oscar II,

King of Sweden and Norway,

the Norwegian Ambassador,

the Chief Under-Secretary of State

for the Southern

Norwegian Provinces,

the Junior

Under-Secretary of State

for the Northern

Norwegian Provinces.

2:
00, ceremonial

drive down the Mall.

Half past 2:
00,

tea party at Hyde Park

for 30,000 children.

Half past 4:
00,

Household departs on

the Royal train for Windsor.

Half past 6:
00,

dinner in the Great Hall.

MAJOR BIGGE:
Come on, men!

Chop, chop!

SIR HENRY:
And the

ceremonial presentation

of a Mohur.

The Hindus, sir!

ALICK:
But they're

completely different sizes.

There was an incident,

sir, with an elephant.

Hmm.

ALICK:
The Queen arrives.

Fanfares.

Ceremonial entrance.

The Royal Entourage

make their way to the table

to be seated thus.

Her Majesty.

Sir Henry Ponsonby,

Private Secretary,

the Secretary of

State for India,

the Emperor of Russia, Dr. Reid,

Lady Churchill, Miss Phipps,

et cetera, et cetera.

Grace.

Soup, potage Saint-Germain

with pure de madeleine.

Fish course,

morue aux hutres.

Fanfare.

Entre, quenelle with regency

sauce, et cetera, et cetera.

Dessert, pain d'pinards,

tartelettes la suisse,

profiteroles.

Always profiteroles.

You will come from the

northwest service entrance.

Process together.

And you will stand here.

No!

A little bit.

That's it.

Presenting the tray thus.

Tray?

I thought it was

a cushion.

You will present the tray...

MOHAMMED:
Excuse me.

Do I get a tray?

No. We've only

got one tray.

So, what do I do?

You'll just

have to improvise.

Whatever you do, you must

not look at Her Majesty.

You will bow again.

Then moving backwards,

you will turn to your left,

you will lead thus,

and you will

process down the hall

to be met by Mr. Bigge,

who will walk you to the north

wall, where you will stand

till the end of the meal.

Would you like me to

run through that again?

Mr. Yorke, she's

heading to Paddington!

(GASPS) Everybody out!

You two, stairs, now!

(CHATTER)

Jesus Christ!

Where are the quenelles?

Oi, you two,

out of it!

She's at the station, sir!

Jesus H Christ,

she's at the station!

For God's sake,

just wait where you were told.

Open the door.

Open the doors!

Open the doors!

Open the doors!

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)

(SCATTERED CHATTER)

She's here.

Soup.

Soup!

Soup! Soup!

Soup!

(EXTENDED) Soup!

(TRUMPET PLAYING)

(SIGHS) Thank heavens!

Soup, Your Majesty.

What, are you taking it all?

I haven't finished yet.

I'm afraid you

have to be quick.

They take it off you

as soon as she's done.

One down, six to go.

The morue aux hutres,

and then the quenelle.

Yes, sir.

"The morue aux hutres,

and then the quenelles."

This is bloody ridiculous.

Two months in a boat, and I

haven't even got a tray?

GUEST:
Yes. Apparently you

have to chew it 32 times.

(INDISTINCT)

I have the Mohur.

Is that it?

(SNORING)

Your Majesty?

Your Majesty?

The, uh...

The profiteroles.

(SIGHING)

MOHAMMED:
Is that it?

Profiteroles have gone.

Gentlemen, process,

turn, bow, present,

and absolutely no

eye contact whatsoever.

(FANFARE PLAYING)

SIR HENRY:
A gift

from the Indian Empire.

A Mohur, Your Majesty.

A what?

A Mughal coin,

Your Majesty.

In honor of your service

to the subcontinent.

(GROANS)

Have we finished?

We still have coffee,

Your Majesty.

(GROANS)

Eyes!

Good morning, Your Majesty.

SIR HENRY:
Breakfast with

the Royal Princes of Belgium.

11:
00, an audience

with the Sultan of Dubai

where Her Majesty will be presented

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