Vinyl Page #4

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rehearse endlessly, slept on top

of one another in a tour van,

done everything else an

upstart band has done.

Just to lip-synch to some song?

You're not some ventriloquist dummy.

You're here to sell an image.

When the press talk to you, you've

got to know what it was like,

who your influences were, who came

up with the name of the band,

why, you first gig.

Who was shagging whose girlfriend.

What beer your band mates

drink, what clothes you wear,

who and what drives you mad.

You've to to eat, sleep,

fart together as a unit.

Girls don't break wind, Johnny.

I thought we were joining

a band, not the army.

How much are we getting

paid for this?

You pull this off, trust me,

you'll be raking in thousands.

Yeah, but what's our percentage?

- I want a contract.

- Yeah. Same here.

Yeah, and I want a solicitor to

look over my contract, please.

And me.

You're not here 'cause of your talent,

so don't get any bright ideas.

You look good. That's all.

Now pick up your instruments.

They ain't cheap ones,

so be careful.

I'll tell you who looks

the best. The weasel.

It's a ferret.

You were supposed to sort this out.

They can't even hold the ruddy things.

Yeah, well...

Do the pose.

One, two, three.

At least she can count.

All right. They can stay.

But we better get them looking

like they know what they're doing,

or we're up the proverbial creek...

without a ladder.

Or a platform shoe.

- That's an A. Remember that?

- Yeah.

And then the reverse

pyramid triangle.

- That way?

- No, no. The other way around.

What are we gonna do about

his trousers, Johnny?

How baggy they are.

They should fit.

Well, we could sort of turn them

up a little bit at the bottom.

Shut up!

He's got to practice,

otherwise he'll never learn.

Griff, get him on guitar.

Give it a rest, Zed!

- What are we gonna do with his hair?

- I don't know. I think it looks all right.

- Just make sure it don't look like yours.

- Charming.

What is the deal with

these school uniforms?

We're not an AC/DC cover band,

are we?

It's got to appear like

you're old schoolmates.

- How are we gonna do that?

- Technology.

You come to the front.

Come here.

Now come in closer.

Turn the other way. On three,

turn around and look at me.

One, two, three, look at me.

Can you make them

look a bit younger?

Add some acne.

Acne coming up.

Pizza?

- Here.

- Mine's a pepperoni.

How's the review coming on?

Yeah, yeah.

"With a flash and blur of

stripped-down excitement,

the Single Shots' gig at

Madison Square Gardens

laid waste to everything

in its path."

No, no. You wouldn't have done your

first gig at Madison Square Garden.

Change the venue to something

like Real Pavilion, yeah?

- Right.

- Look. Your hair is much better.

- Off the hair, Johnny.

- No. Look. Up there.

We've got to dip them in tea to

age them, and then there we go.

- That's wild.

- Yeah. I know, right?

I used to sell fake ticket stubs

outside the Cavern in Liverpool.

Worked the street up.

Worked the street down.

That was Rock Sound

magazine on the phone.

I've also had a call from MTV.

I don't want to scare you,

but the heat is on.

If I were you, I'd take your rubber

gloves off and start practicing.

Destroy the system, smash it all up

Lose control

Start a revolution in

your livin' room now

- Free rock and roll

- Do what you can do

- Free rock and roll

- 'Cause you want to

- Free rock and roll

- Don't be afraid to

Bite the hand that

feeds you, spit it out

Free rock and roll

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Do you see what I see?

I'd say that that is

our first album cover.

Get that next one.

Yeah. Get one of those.

- What's going on here?

- Oh...

- Come down now.

- Yeah, come down. Come down.

He's up ladders, he's down drainpipes.

I don't know what to do with the boy.

- You told me you'd sort him out.

- Run!

I'm very sorry. Simon

says catch a ladder!

- Watch it! Look here!

- Hurry!

I think we're ready to

open the floodgates.

So, just stick to what we rehearsed

and let the show begin.

Hello. Are you Penny from

Rock Sound magazine?

- Yeah.

- I'm Johnny Jones. All right.

- Thanks for coming.

- Thank the BBC.

If they weren't on radio,

I never would've heard of them.

Well, they've dominated

the Welsh indie scene

since they did their first

gig about a year ago.

Well, they haven't had any

press outside Wales till now.

Well, I've been very careful with them,

but the bubble's about to burst.

They're ready to take on the world.

Hold on a minute. MTV.

So, your self-produced demo's been

getting quite a lot of airplay lately.

- How does that feel?

- Finally being recognized

for the musical geniuses we are.

Are these biscuits free,

or do I have to pay for...

So, who are some of

your influences?

- Weapons of Happiness...

- Weapons of Happiness.

the Kinks, Sex Pistols,

Johnny Thunders, lots

and lots of diff...

- Can you let them speak?

- Yeah, Johnny. Let us speak.

- Nick Ashley.

- Aerosmith.

- Buzzcocks.

- Slipknot.

- Vampire Weekend.

- Duran Duran.

Really? 'Cause you don't sound anything

like the bands you say influenced you.

Well, Des O'Connor influenced me,

but that don't mean I

wrote "Dick-A-Dum-Dum."

You don't write anything

anymore, do you?

So, your press kit says that

you met in primary school.

Yeah, we're old friends.

She was the first person

to touch my Dinky-doo.

- No, I wasn't.

- Yeah, you were.

My pet ferret, Dinky-doo.

So, whose idea was it to

actually start this band?

- Mine.

- Zed.

Didn't know you could speak Welsh.

There's a lot of stuff you don't

know about me, Johnny boy.

- There you go.

- What are you saying?

- The band was a group thing.

- No, it was her idea.

But Drainpipe put up the flyer.

Yeah, and Zed helped

me with the designs.

But I forgot, because I forgot.

No, no, no! No, girls!

Not now! Not now!

I'll be having a muffin.

I'll be having a muffin.

Leave the boys alone.

- That happen often?

- All the time. We're used to it.

That's what I've got, all right?

Go on. Off you go.

So, what do your parents think

about all this new-found fame?

Oh, my mom's well pleased.

Yeah, she's shagged enough rock

stars to appreciate what it means.

- You what?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

She used to be a big old

groupie back in the day.

- Shagged her way up and down the charts.

- With who?

Like punks and new romantics

and a bit of grunge as well.

- How does your father feel about all that?

- I don't know who he is.

- Your mum never told you?

- Oh, no.

She said it could be half the

Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.

- She must have some idea.

- Well...

I've been told that I look like Morrissey,

but then someone the other day said

that I've got eyes like Nick

Heyward from Haircut One Hundred.

- Who do you think it is?

- Well, let's put it this way. Come here.

You know that rumor about David

Bowie being hung like a horse?

Well, I have got living proof

that that ain't just a rumor.

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