Vinyl Page #5

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All right, then.

Write that down.

"The Single Shots are the newest,

snottiest, and best kids on the block."

"This unsigned band has a

three-minute killer pop song

that is destined to crash punk pie,

drink all the beer, and cop

off with the cutest girls."

What?

They are falling for it.

Get me Johnny Jones on the phone.

Oh, destroy the system,

smash it all up

Lose control

He says, "We're exactly

the fresh new sound

the kiddies of today

are looking for."

- They really want to sign us?

- Sign them, you mean.

He's gonna release

the single, all right,

with an option on two

albums and a European tour.

That's brilliant.

How come you're the only

one going over there?

If we all turn up there, they're

gonna think something's up.

Johnny's right. We go up here

like we got nothing to do.

Hang on. It's just like

last time, isn't it?

He gets all the credit, right, and

we just sat there holding our d*cks.

Fine. All right.

Next time the company calls,

I'll put it on speakerphone.

- Right.

- Happy now?

Right. Yeah.

See, that's how

you negotiate a deal.

I can run

- I can

- I can

I can run faster than you

Much faster than you

And I always could, Johnny

Know what that is?

- Sex, drug, and rock and roll.

- What is it?

- Viagra.

- Where'd you get that?

I got it off Robbie.

Takes about an hour to work.

Have a look at this, babes!

I got a boner!

Here comes Johnny!

Don't worry. You won't have

to play your instruments.

Remember, it's about

attitude, right?

And sticking two fingers up at the world,

and go and bite the hand that feeds you.

Won't that piss off the press

we're trying to impress?

- Yeah, man.

- The press are a bunch of sadomasochists.

They want you to spit

on them. They love it.

It's like I was born for this.

Journalists, hacks, dribblers,

and filth mongers, welcome.

I am proud to introduce

to you the Single Shots,

the newest and the finest

signing to Circ Records.

The finest thing to come out of Wales

since coal, meat, and Tom f***ing Jones.

- Does anybody have any questions?

- Yeah.

Is it true... Is it

true that Drainpipe

is the illegitimate son

of David Bowie?

Yeah, I prefer the term

"bastard," actually, so...

Are you willing to take

a DNA test to prove it?

Well, if you can get a jizz

sample from the bloke, yeah.

I'll give it the old tug and pull.

- Are we gonna get a jizz sample from you?

- Huh? It depends.

What's your daughter like?

Right. Without further ado, we'll get

to the moment you've all come in for.

Contract. Thank you.

- How much is that contract worth?

- None of your business.

Welcome to Circ Records.

We'll get you back in the bar.

Well, how's it feel to be the

bridesmaid and not the bride?

What's that supposed to mean?

Well, you're like an old

racehorse that's out to pasture,

and these kids are

running the derby.

It's got to hurt.

Everybody say, "Bit the hand

that feeds." One, two, three.

Bite the hand that feeds!

Congratulations, guys. Thank you

very much. Thank you all for coming.

- What's next?

- I'll see you at number one.

I've got a few ideas

for the music video.

Yeah. Yeah. Johnny,

love to hear them.

I'm onto this phenomenal, phenomenal

23-year-old music director.

The guy's got three MTV Music Awards.

He's rocking. He's hot right now.

He's the fish in your fish finger.

He's the custard in your truffle.

Ah, well, Mr. Fish Finger,

we did the Weapons

videos ourselves.

- We wanna do this one.

- Well, Johnny, you know the business.

My hands are tied.

This is a Circ investment.

It goes above me.

It goes beyond me.

Listen, Jimmy, mate, we don't do it

ourselves, we don't do it, full stop.

That is it. That's it.

Cool. Look, that's cool.

That's perfect.

Congratulations, man. Fantastic.

Great to have you on board.

It's great to have you on board.

I mean, those Weapons

videos were...

They were certainly very

interesting back in the day.

Cheers to you, my friend.

The best thing since sliced bread.

You sure you're up to this?

In. In.

- Oh, my word.

- In, in, in.

Free rock and roll,

free rock and roll

Free rock and roll, oh

Go for the throat, oh,

destroy the system

Smash it all up, lose control

Start a revolution in

your livin' room now

- Free rock and roll

- 'Cause you can do

- Free rock and roll

- 'Cause you want to

- Free rock and roll

- Don't be afraid to

Bite the hand that

feeds you, spit it out

Free rock and roll

Action!

Free rock and roll

- Cut! Cut!

- Hey, I'm directing this.

I don't need you to

do that all the time.

If you're gonna bleed for a reason

A three-minute wonder is wonderful

- Total irritation in my ears right now

- That's good. That's good.

- Free rock and roll

- 'Cause you can do

- Free rock and roll

- 'Cause you want to

- Free rock and roll

- Don't be afraid to

Bite the hand that

feeds you, spit it out

All right, guys. What's happening?

You're causing obstruction.

- Bugger off, we're filming.

- Let me see your permit then.

- I said bugger off.

- Can I be in it then?

No, you can't be in it,

Simon the policeman.

- Right.

- What are you doing now?

- Sign here.

- What for?

Autograph, please.

Call the police.

Spit it out, spit it out

Free rock and roll now

And that's why I was sad.

I couldn't talk to my old man.

All right? He wanted me to work

in the post office like him,

and all I wanted to do

was rebel against him.

What about you?

What about your old man?

Don't know him.

You don't seriously think David

Bowie's your old man, do you?

- What does your mom think?

- She's moved on.

Here. Here's a picture of

you with my mom in '92.

Yeah.

Yeah, she's nice.

Just gonna get on it.

- What's wrong?

- I've had a shock.

Remember those gigs we did

with U2 back in the day?

At the Roxy? All those

Norwegian groupies?

Drunken, naughty teenagers.

How could I forget?

Well, remember that mad, jaunty bird,

wore a babydoll, striped socks?

Made Courtney Love look

like Mother Teresa?

Yeah.

Well, I slipped her one

on the Marshall stack.

- Nice one.

- Yeah.

Well, a couple of months later,

she shows up at one of our gigs

with a belly out there.

I ask, "Is it mine?"

But she don't answer.

She just wants to know if I can get

her a backstage pass to Glastonbury.

So what'd you say then?

I get her a pass and forget

about her, as you do.

Yeah.

She's Drainpipe's mom.

He's your son!

My son.

What's Jules gonna say?

Well, she ain't gonna

be too happy, is she?

Well, one thing that

birds don't like

is their old man's sperm

being spread about.

Ain't funny.

He's the spit of you!

Oh, for Christ sake,

don't say that.

And don't tell any

of the band, right?

- Oh, that's nepotism, that is, mate.

- Yeah.

- I'll tell you.

- My son, the lead singer.

I won't say a word. I promise.

Minto's gonna love that.

- Let's get out of here.

- Don't...

I'm choking. Don't...

I've been searching around for

a potential dad for ages now.

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