Vinyl Page #6

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It's sort of like a little

hobby of mine I've got.

- Is that why you joined this band?

- Yeah, of course it is.

I don't need this.

Unlike the rest of you,

I can actually play.

We are practicing.

We're getting good.

- Yeah, mate. Okay.

- Well, let's have it then.

- Maybe the cheekbones, but not the rest.

- No?

- No.

- Okay, right. Forget about the hair.

- No.

- Okay.

Johnny? Whoa. Do you really think?

Are you gonna confront

him about it?

Oh, yeah. And say what?

Oh, you might've got my mom up

the duff. How about f***ing her?

Well, the nurse has just come

back with your urine sample.

- All right.

- And I'm delighted to tell you, Jules,

the test is positive.

- What do you mean?

- You're pregnant.

Get lost.

Come on. What you mean? I can't be.

I know it's a shock.

I can see that.

Congratulations. I'm pleased

to tell you such good news.

What?

Down three places at number 12,

Green House of Terror, "Go for it."

Up two at 11, New Mercury Sound.

No change at number ten

for Room Service...

Hi, sweetie.

Up eight places at number nine...

Will you come outside for a minute?

Johnny, I just want to

talk to you for a minute.

In a minute, in a

minute. Just wait.

And bursting into the

charts at number seven,

"This is the Hand That

Bites," from the single

Yeah!

- Yes!

- I knew I could do it! Yes!

Oh, Robbie!

Free rock and roll,

free rock and roll, oh

Free rock and roll,

free rock and roll

Free rock and roll, oh

This is what it's like

to be a star again, eh?

Back. All right, darling.

Hey!

Robbie!

We did it, son.

I went to the doctor's

today, Johnny.

I had the test done,

and it looks like...

I've got a son.

- You've what?

- Drainpipe's my son.

Honestly, I didn't know. I didn't

know till just the other day.

Get out.

- Just get out!

- There's no more...

- You sure about that?

- There ain't no more babies!

Get out!

Robbie.

Thought we should

break it now, Johnny.

The plan is to wait,

mate, all right?

Got something planned, hmm?

Let's jump on it. Get our

names out there again.

We do it now, we'll kill it,

just when it's getting momentum.

Bollocks!

Now, once they realize it's us, well,

sales are gonna double, aren't they?

If that was the case,

silly bollocks,

we wouldn't have to do

all this, would we?

You know what, Johnny? You're

gonna ruin it again, aren't you,

just like you did the last time?

Minto, this is a band

decision. It ain't yours.

So? We do it now.

Right? We tell them it's

Weapons of Happiness.

I'm looking out for

me family, Johnny.

Same as you.

Has he not told you why he's

got such a vested interest

in that bunch of phonies

getting all the limelight?

What you on about?

Drainpipe is Johnny's kid.

You had a kid with David Bowie?

- Thanks, Robbie.

- I never said a word.

- Yeah, right.

- No, no, no.

No, I was in the cubicle next

door when you told Robbie.

Thanks very much. Do I

get an apology now?

He might be my kid.

It ain't definite.

He's yours.

So, basically, you're gonna sell

us down the river, are you,

so that your kid can

be the next big thing?

- Ain't true.

- So why keep it a secret, Johnny?

Why don't we tell everybody

it's the Weapons of Happiness?

You are gonna mess this up.

We don't reveal it's us till I say

it's gone as far as it's gonna go.

You got that? We ain't

changing the plan.

Oi, they're all ears. Keep it down.

Got it. Don't you f*** me about.

It's all a scam, mate. Everything...

CD3, videos, the lot.

We're the Single Shots...

the Weapons of Happiness.

That lot is just puppets.

We just pull the strings, and the

others are just miming to it.

And that kid Drainpipe...

that's not David Bowie's son.

That's Johnny Jones' kid.

- He did what?

- Told him everything.

Video, the song, everything.

Yeah, even the bit about

Drainpipe being your kid.

Who gave you the right to do that?

Nobody I did. The truth

won out, Johnny.

- You're a twat, Minto.

- All right.

That must be why Jimmy wants to

meet us down in London then, hmm?

Why he sent a limo to pick

us up, take us down there.

See? That's what happens when you

get me to do a bit of management.

And you're gonna go

along with all of this?

Well, we ain't got

much choice, have we?

The genie's out of the bottle now.

Not only that. Rock

Sound have asked us

to do a live gig on TV.

Weapons of Happiness?

No. Single Shots.

Well, now they've got

Weapons of Happiness.

This is the sound

of tomorrow calling

Revolution will be starting

in your living room

We don't need you anymore.

What?

What? Just like that, out of nowhere,

you just spring that one on us, do you?

Sorry. You'll get your

cut of royalties.

Told you there, didn't I?

What did you expect?

Well, I didn't expect

anything bad from him, did I?

- What's that supposed to mean?

- I don't know, mate.

I'm just a dancing

monkey, aren't I?

- Is this about me and your mom?

- No, you listen.

You keep my mom out of it.

I don't know what you

think I did to her,

but if you've got something to say,

just come right out and say it.

What is the point, mate? It's all just

water under the bridge, isn't it?

It's not as if I didn't

care about her situation.

Yeah, but you weren't there!

You were not there

for long enough to find out

if the baby was yours or not!

- I was in no position to be a dad, was I?

- Why? Why not?

I was a rock star!

I wanted to smash up

hotel rooms, didn't I?

I wanted to take drugs, get girls,

not push around a pram

and change nappies!

- What do you want from me?

- My dad.

Well, I'm not!

I want to be no one's

dad, so go away!

Yeah. F***ing...

F*** off, mate!

You wanker, Johnny!

Whoa!

So, great to be back in a limo, eh?

You guys, eh?

Congratulations for pulling off

such a rock and roll swindle.

- You had us all fooled.

- Well, not just you, was it, Jimmy?

Everybody in showbiz.

Everyone, wasn't it?

It was everyone.

Which is why we won't be

making the information public.

You won't be making the information

public until it goes to number one?

Oh, no. We won't be making

the information public ever.

Hang on a minute. What

about Rock Sound TV?

We booked a place live.

Kids can't play.

Oh, no, no. The kids will go ahead

performing their hit single,

as they were planned to

do, and just mime to it.

Whoa. No, no. You can't

do that. It's our song.

Well, technically, it's not.

As you'll see from the

paragraph 5C of the contract

signed and agreed to

by Mr. Johnny Jones,

the music delivered to

Circ Music Publishing

was the product of Dave Peacock

and Johnny Sprot,

aka Fly and Zed,

Flora Griffin and Joel

"Drainpipe" Richards.

- It says all that?

- Furthermore,

'm paragraph 7 A,

and public disavowal

of said authorship

will be considered

evidence of fraud

and compensatory action

will commence immediately.

- What's that mean?

- It means

that if any of your were to

make this information public,

we'd sue for fraud.

We'd seize every penny in your bank

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