Visit to a Small Planet Page #2

- I don't know.

Someone at the side door. I'll get it dear.

Rheba, it's almost seven do you mind

turning on the TV set in the living room.

Of course, dear. Any particular channel?

My channel.

I want to watch me. Nobody

else in this house does.

- Yes?

- Good evening, madam.

My name Kreton, and

my respect to General Lee.

I should like to see him instantly.

General Lee? Oh, you mean Bob

Mayberry down the road.

That's where the party is.

But I'm here for the battle.

Oh, I don't think it will be a brawl,

although last year...

We will be leaving in a few minutes.

Why don't you just drive

over with us, Mr. Crouton?

That's Kreton. And thank you very much.

TV set warmed up yet?

Just turning it on, dear.

My husband's television program.

He's very popular they tell me.

Oh, really?

- Oh, Mr. Kreton?

- Yes?

Do sit down and watch.

Well, television in 1861.

That's funny, I thought it came much later.

- Smoke if you'd like to.

- Thank you.

And stop whatever you're doing.

Yes, stop and reflect a moment.

Are you a thinking man?

Yeah, I think, I'm a thinking man.

Why not review your smoking habits.

Wait, I'm busy thinking.

Do it now.

Yes, sir.

But first... relax.

Get comfortable.

Do you mind if I sit down?

Sit down.

Thank you, your very kind.

Now then, before you light up...

Oh, sorry.

Inspect the filter

at the end of your smoke.

Look inside... look closely.

What do you see?

Tobacco, what would you see?

Inspect the tobacco.

Try a crumble test.

Crumble test?

Rub the tobacco between your hands.

Now, whiff it.

Wait, I'm still busy crumbling.

Whiff it!

Oh, yes sir.

Does it have that fresh deep down aroma?

Makes you stop and think, doesn't it..

It made me stop and sneeze.

So men just throw that old

smoke of yours away.

And try one of these.

Put it between your lips.

Close your eyes.

Now... light up.

Yes... light up... and live.

Light up and live.

Man. I'm going to be burned to death.

Damn Yankee.

His name is Kreton.

Why can't he walk over there?

Who is he anyway?

Some friend of the Mayberry's.

A nice young man.

Oh, confound it. I'm missing me.

This dog has gone nuts. Now scoot, jump.

For several years now

certain lunatics elements,

have proclaim the existence

of flying saucers.

I should like to nail the subject

down once and for all.

There ain't no such animal.

There is no life on other planets

capable of building spaceships

and to interject a purely American note,

no country in the world but ours,

has the industrial know

how to build such a ship.

Right.

Let me show you some recent photographs

of objects reported to be spaceships.

- Why, president Jefferson Davis.

- Number one.

Of all people, I can't tell you

how glad I am to meet you...

Oh, I'm awfully sorry, sir.

For what?

Number two.

Your left side-burn sir...

They, shot it off.

Number three.

- Quiet.

- I'm sorry?

I'm trying to listen.

Oh. I'll listen also sir.

And number four.

Optical illusions, every one of them.

Mass hysteria.

That's telling them, eh, boy.

Yes, sir. It's too bad, is full of hooey.

Hooey?

Oh well, I believe

that's the expression, sir..

Or is it eh, goofidust?

No, hooey! That's it. He is full of hooey.

There's no need for alarm. No need at all.

We shall return to Roger

Putnam Spelding, in a moment.

But first. Have you inspected

your filter lately.

Smoke Supurbo.

Superb tobacco superbly blended

a superb filter.

Mr. President, don't you listen to him.

He'll burn your whiskers off.

Oh, stop.

I mean it, sir. He did a job on me.

He burned my head and my face...

You think I'm full of hooey, eh?

Oh, no sir. I didn't say

you were full of hooey,

I said that... that... that...

Well... your not Jefferson Davis.

Your him that man on TV.

- That Roger Pelman Sputing.

- Spelding.

I know who I am. The

question is:
Who are you?

Oh, no sir. The question is: When am I?

When are you?

What I mean is... what year is this?

NINETEEN SIXTY:

I'm 99 years off.

What year did you have in mind?

I was on my way to the civil war

and something went

wrong with the machine,

or my calculations, I don't

know which, but...

I landed here 99 years out of my way.

But I never was very good at dates.

Are you trying to pull my leg?

No, sir, but if you liked me to...

Oh, I've been awfully rude, sir,

I haven't introduced myself.

My name is Kreton.

I'm from the other side.

The other side of where?

The other side of the universe,

another planet.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Actually, what...

Come on, come on, I know

a trick when I see one.

Now where's the wire

that you did this with?

What is this?

I'm sorry, I neglected to warn you.

You see,

I can touch you but you mustn't

touch me, you understand?

Look, I'll show you.

You see?

They do exist and you're one of them.

Well, yo... you come from out there.

That's it, yes indeed.

But that's our little secret

now, isn't it Mr. Spelding?

That's odd. I thought

I turned that motor off.

Oh, I'll be spending the night here.

That is... if it's convenient.

I'll be right back.

When you b*obs my friends, I simply repeat:

When it comes to visitors from outer space,

there ain't no such animal.

That's what you think, you stupid boob.

Oh, Mr. Delton, sir.

You playing hookey too?

I certainly am not.

So you gone over the cloud again eh?

Whats your excuse this time?

Another missing volley ball?

Oh, no sir. No, Mr. Delton.

I-I lost my marbles.

You lost your marbles long ago.

I'll tell the truth, Mr. Delton.

You see the reason I played

hockey and came down here is,

because I like the earth

and I like the people on it,

and well sir, can't I can study them?

Absolutely not.

But it would be like homework, sir,

after all I am majoring in planet earth.

Under no circumstances.

On second thought,

maybe you ought to get

this out of your system.

It might do you a world of good.

Another world that is.

You mean I can stay then, sir?

For a bit.

But remember Kreton, there's

a wise old proverb that goes

"up is down and down is up..."

"And never the twain shall meet."

Yes, I remember it.

I remember it well, sir.

But you must keep in mind

that this visit of yours,

must be a secret.

And don't get involved with these

earth-people. You can't trust them.

No, you can't trust them at all, sir,

except Mr. Spelding, he's very nice,

an he wouldn't tell a soul about me.

He wouldn't, eh?

At this very moment,

he's calling New York. Listen.

I don't care if he is having dining.

This is important.

I'll fix his wagon.

What are you going to do, Mr. Delton?

That joker is getting the old "86."

Oh no don't disintegrate, him Mr. Delton.

He's a very nice man,

and he's going to a party later

and his wife will not dance with.

Couldn't you just throw an old 14 at him?

- 14 it is.

- Your very kind.

Here's how to start my program tomorrow...

Well, speak up man. I have

a dinner party waiting for me.

How do you intend to start your broadcast?

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