Vive la France

French. Only French.

I not feel good.

Calm.

Do like me.

Think other things.

Watch film.

What is it?

A film about a plane.

It's interesting.

Very interesting.

- Your meal, sir.

- Thank you.

- Enjoy.

- Thank you.

Ladies and gentlemen, we have

just entered French airspace.

It's time.

Ladies and gentlemen, unfortunately

an air traffic controllers' strike

has shut down the Paris airports.

We have to land in Figari

in Corsica.

What the hell?

- What now?

- Move!

- Go!

- You're sure?

Why not Tripoli while you're at it?

We head back to France

and the bullshit starts!

The meal was foul too!

Shame on you!

- My fork!

- What?

I lose my fork.

I go alone.

Why not land in Nice?

Nice is closed for a summit.

It has to be Corsica.

We're starting our descent.

Yes, sir?

I need the toilet.

Too late.

Thank you for the cutlery.

All of you, sit down now!

Fasten your seatbelts

and clam up!

You can't treat us like this!

When the world was created,

God decided to invent

the most beautiful country of all

and put all

of the world's wonders in it.

He called that country...

France.

But so that other countries

wouldn't feel deprived,

God decided to fill it with

the French.

But first let me explain

how we got here.

It all began in Taboulistan,

a tiny Central Asian country

stuck between Afghanistan,

Kirghizstan

and Tajikistan.

And it all began exactly

in a small village called

Kachtebrul.

This is me. Feruz.

And that's Muzafar.

We're half-brothers.

Muzafar is the son

our dad had with his cousin.

The lady with the moustache.

Every morning

with our women, we do

the famous traditional dance

of Taboulistan,

the Tawa!

The dance of joy!

Our land is called Taboulistan

because our greatest pride

is to have invented 1,000 years ago

the original recipe

for tabbouleh!

A skillful blend of grain,

parsley

and tomatoes.

In spite of what people think,

the Lebanese didn't invent it.

Those dogs just stole the recipe!

And, since then,

the world has forgotten we exist.

The UN has never recognized us.

And that bothers

our Great Leader, Hadadad

Wassupbro...

Idiots!

...democratically elected

for 36 years.

Losers!

Not one minister had managed

to get our land noticed

until the day when...

Jafaraz Wassupbro,

son of our Leader,

had a revolutionizing idea!

Terrorism...

as advertising!

His plan was to attack

the world's most popular monument...

The Eiffel Tower!

- Feruz, watch the goats!

- Why me?

And it was that day,

as Muzafar and I were chatting...

- I should've drowned you at birth!

- Calm down, you old goat.

Old goat?

...saw the start of the adventure

that led us to France.

Greetings.

Little Leader!

Little Leader Wassupbro!

Calm down. Gently!

We were first sent

to a training camp.

And, to get to know our new enemy...

France!

...we started by learning

French!

These are

the 10 most frequently used words.

Repeat.

Hello.

How you?

Basterd!

Bisch.

Arzhole.

Fock.

Bommer.

Shite.

Goobye.

We also studied

all the cultural differences.

France is a land

where men are deprived of the right

to hit women.

In France,

slapping women not allowed.

But what happens if they speak?

You listen.

Not possible!

You can't treat people like that!

To infiltrate the country,

we changed our identity.

Your French passports.

For you...

Jafaraz gave us new names.

I became...

Michel!

And Muzafar became...

Yannick!

For me,

for the mission,

I've chosen to use

typically French name.

Michel Ouellebec.

Don't like Michel.

Michel no good?

Alin Ouellebec.

My name?

Better!

Faster!

Louder!

Faster!

And that's how we became

soldiers in the RTT...

Revolutionary Terrorists

of Taboulistan!

...ready to crash

the plane of revenge

into the Eiffel Tower in Paris!

After 9 months in training,

we were the chosen ones!

I'm proud to award you

the Tabouli medal of bravery.

And now...

you just have to do it for real.

For real?

We do it with remote-control plane...

That mean we die?

I not want die!

I not understand.

You say to us

we heroes of the nation.

Not mutton kebab.

Brothers, with this mission,

you're going to become martyrs!

You go to paradise!

It's wild up there.

Eternal life in pleasure garden...

With welcome gift...

You know, I'm not that keen

on dying...

Shut up.

I not want to die.

What's the welcome gift?

Usually, the basic package

is 70 virgins

with all-you-can-eat buffet.

Pretty interesting...

You think so?

You bet.

You can't be sure they're virgins.

True.

No good in bed,

no good for tabbouleh.

I prefer 70 mature women.

- 70 mature women.

- I can't.

But we die.

Good deal is when we all happy.

All right...

Mature women and a bonus gift.

Electric razor

for travel.

It's electric...

He say

it going to be wild.

All-you-can-eat buffet...

With drinks?

Of course.

Coke, lemonade...

Oaziz?

And after a month traveling

to get to Dushanbe,

Ashgabat,

Kabul

and finally Istanbul,

we ended up on this plane

that was bound

for Paris in France.

Or rather Figari

in Corsica.

If you're not among the first

to disembark,

you wait forever.

Police look to us.

Passports won't work. Turn back.

Calm!

Do like me. Act innocent.

It's not me.

Welcome to Corsica.

What we do now?

We do Plan B.

What's Plan B?

We plane now!

It will be ok.

We go Paris.

Sure. Put your bags in the trunk.

Thank you!

- Where he going?

- Thief!

Crook!

Is it far now?

Very hard.

I not find Corsica on map.

Sun there.

We go there.

Hello, merchant.

What's this?

We look way to Paris.

What am I? A tour guide?

French not very nice.

This isn't France!

This is Corsica!

Don't understand.

For Paris, turn round

and walk north.

When you see d*ckheads, you're there!

Thank you.

What a way to treat people!

Have a seat.

Just ignore my brother.

Female scum!

Calm.

Something to eat?

Yes, madam merchant.

We very hungry...

Sausage, sheep's cheese, dessert?

No, tabbouleh.

Sorry,

this isn't a Lebanese restaurant.

Tabbouleh not from Lebanon,

from Taboulistan.

Where?

What?

Napoleon! Bonaparte! Attack!

Feruz!

Let go!

What you do?

Not my fault.

No time for that now.

Come!

I'll waste you!

Anyone here?

Village idiot!

You as hardheaded as horny goat!

Why?

What did Alin say?

He say not hit woman.

If not, big problem!

Next time you hear woman speak,

imagine it man,

that it's same. Ok?

Not understand.

Feruz...

For me?

France...

Elegance...

Fashion...

Pockets...

Hello, monsieur, I'd like...

some mustard!

Paris chic...

Good night, Michel.

Good night, Yannick.

Tomorrow... Paris!

Ange, what is this?

You said it was empty!

I don't know.

The neighbor said so.

We waste them?

No, grab them!

Get in!

We can use them.

Read this.

Do it or you'll end up

with your heads on a flag too!

To the camera!

Hello, I'm Franois Pinete.

Hello.

I'm Christian Pinete.

We shall be

freed in return

for the release of...

...our brothers, Jean-Luc Domenico,

Paoli de Cinneci...

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