W.C. Fields: 6 Short Films Page #2

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- Anything strange about this, love? | - It does look rather odd.

Yes. I think the shaft is warped. | Give me another bat.

Ha-ha, that's better!

- That's much better. | - Yes.

- Now, stand clear, boy, and | keep your eye on the ball.

This is what they call "hitting past | the chin," as I told you before.

Gives you a remarkable shot.

What have you got here, | after all?

A pie!

Fancy bringing a pie | to a golf course.

A pint, yes.

But a pie, never.

Why, it's like, uh...

It's like carrying...

carrying, uh...

something or other...

somewhere or other,

as the case may be.

Now, you stand clear | and keep your eye on this ball.

Stand clear, boy. | Keep your eye on the ball.

Stand cl...

- Quite a breeze. | - Yes, it is quite a breeze.

Yes, there is. | Quite a breeze. Yes.

Here's your overcoat.

Now, stand clear, boy, | and keep your eye on the ball.

- As I say, this is | "hitting past the chin. "

Yes.

- Hitting as far past the | chin as possible. - Mm-hmm.

Never stand close to the ball | after you hit it.

- Sounds like one of those birds | that fly backwards.

- Stand clear, boy. | Keep your eye on the ball.

He's coming this way.

- Gives me the creeps. | - Me, too.

- Stop that, you! | Stop acting... Stand still.

Now, you stand clear and keep your eye | on the ball. Stand still.

Don't get moving 'round here | with those inhabited feet of yours.

As I was saying, it requires | a great deal of quiet nerve...

And slow...

Stand still and | keep your eye on the ball.

I'm sorry, dear. | Did I lose my temper, huh?

What is it? | Ohh!

Godfrey Daniel. | Tsk, tsk.

Wring your neck.

Aah.

Put your foot | on that, will you?

I wouldn't have you again | with me as a caddy...

for all the tea in China.

Tea or coffee or chop suey | or whatever it is they have there.

I said I'd like | to wring your neck.

Like to wash it first, | and then give it a good wring.

Give it a "wring" | they'd hear for...

miles.

Miles.

- Would you take that out, please? | - Oh, yes, of cour...

Thank you. Put it in there, | will you, girl? Thank you.

- This is really disgusting. | - Oh, it's terrible!

- I'm sorry that you had to see this. | - Oh, that's all right.

Now, stand clear | and keep your eye on the ball.

Stand still!

Ooh!

Keep your eye | on the ball.

Mm-hmm.

- Hello, Sheriff. | - How are you?

The sheriff is looking | for Mr. Bellwether.

Ohh.

- Well, where is he? | - He's out playing golf with your wife.

With my wife? | Come on! Holy smoke, let's get him.

- There it is. | - Huh?

- There! | - Where?

- On the end of your club. | - Oh...

- So it is, so it is! | - Oh, yes!

What an eye he has.

Now, you stand clear | and keep your eye on the ball.

Oh, I've forgotten something.

Huh? Oh.

Probably forgotten | her horse.

Well, I won't | need it anyway.

Won't need a horse. | Want to ride it...

I won't need it either!

Here's a club for you | for short holes.

Now, stand clear, | and keep your eye on the ball.

I lost a horse one time. I forgot him | and left him down the Grand Canyon.

Grand Canyon and...

That's a beautiful camel | you have with you.

Crazy about me.

Now, stand clear, boy, and keep... | Don't stand there.

Don't you know I'll smite you | on the sconce with this truncheon?

He's standing right... | and go, boom away!

Great, silly boy.

- I'll have to have it reblocked. | - Oh, that's a shame.

Yes.

Thanks! | Thanks for nothing!

You stand clear | and keep your eye on this ball.

As I was saying, this is | "hitting past the chin. "

- Mm-hmm. | - Stand clear, boy.

So it's you, is it?

I'd like to take | this club and...

- I'll tee that up, dear. | - All right.

Now, stand clear and | keep your eye on the ball.

Another thing I forgot | to tell you was...

keep the wrists | together.

- Never let the wrists separate. | Take the club back slow...

Now, now. | Ooh!

As I was saying before, you've got | to keep the wrists close together.

Never let the wrists...

Keep the wrists close together.

Close together. | Never let the wrists separate.

Keep them close together.

Keep the wrists | close together.

- Where are my glasses? | - They're on your head.

Oh. Yeah. | Right.

- Where's the newspaper? | - You're sitting on it.

Oh.

Land o' goshen. | Another baby.

Up until May, uh-huh.

Say, | that's a funny one.

- Look. | - Fifty pounds, and chop it fine.

"Mrs. Unclebeck... " | What do you mean,

"fifty pounds | and chop it fine"?

- Oh, I thought you were Arthur. | - Who's Arthur?

He's the man | I intend to marry.

Oh, well don't tell me anything | about it. I'm only your father.

I can read it in the newspaper. | What does he do?

- Well, he's the iceman. | - An iceman?

- Yeah, he goes to college. He's a Cornell man. | - Iceman!

- Red Grange was an iceman. | - He's still an iceman, as far as I'm concerned.

Put it down there | and get out.

Okay.

Go. | And stay out.

Now, you're so smart. How are you | going to get it in the icebox?

I'll put it in myself.

Listen, don't ever do | that... that to me!

Oh, God.

Hello, hello, hello.

No, he's not in.

- Oh, hello, Frobisher. | - I've been waiting for ya!

I'll meet you on the first tee. | Hurry up over.

Okay, Charlie. Okay. | I'll be over in a half a tick.

Okay. All right.

Did you put the ice in the icebox? | - Yeah.

- How'd you do it? | - It was easy.

- Where are my golf clubs? | - In your golf bag.

Yeah, but where is the golf... bag?

- You just fell over it. | - Yeah. I see that.

Look at that. | Look at that.

I don't know. Where did that | good old driver go?

Oh, that's enough.

- What's my first appointment this morning? | - Miss Pepitone, at 10:30.

Well, I just have time | for 18 holes.

- Where's my cap? | - You never wear any.

- Oh, yeah. That's right. | - Where's the ice?

- In the icebox! | - There's just a little piece left.

Now I'll have | to get some more.

Keep that iceman out of here. | I'm gonna order a Frigidaire.

- That's mine. | - Oh, yeah.

Well, we can't | look for it all day.

We've been at it | twenty minutes now,

and I got to get back | to the office at half past ten.

- I'm gonna drop another ball. | - Okay, drop another.

If it isn't unfair | to either of you gentlemen,

- I can tell you where the ball is. | - Where?

Under that leaf.

Thanks.

"If it isn't unfair to either of us. " | We've been looking for the ball 20 minutes.

- Fore! | - I'd wait a minute. They're still on the green.

Well, let 'em | get out of the way.

- This is certainly a great game | for your health.

"A ball lying in | a sprinkler connection...

may be dropped without penalty, | no nearer the hole. "

Get those teeth out of there too. | They're right in my line.

- Two. | - You can't do that!

What do you mean, I can't do it? | Read the card.

- You had one strok... | - Dropped in the wa... Wha... Don't.

- You had two strokes... | - Don't quibble. Don't quibble. Don't quibble.

- Snappy little hole. Don't you think so? | - Yes, it is.

Give me | the mashie niblick.

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