W.C. Fields: 6 Short Films Page #3

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Mashie niblick... | Oh, thanks.

Fore!

What are they doing? | Having a basket party over there?

Get rid of those ducks.

Don't stand there! | Stand over here!

Those ducks are | throwin' me off.

Over again.

Don't stand behind me | when I'm shooting!

- You told me to stand over there, sir. | - Never mind where I told you to stand.

You stand | where I tell ya.

That kid's so dumb | he doesn't know what time it is.

- Say, by the way, what time is it? | - I don't know.

- 10:
15. | - Shut up, will ya?

Now, stand clear and | keep your eye on the ball.

Oh, wait. | You can't do that.

What do you mean | I can't do that?

I can do anything | I want to do.

You can take this golf course and...

- Hello, Joe. | - Hiya, Doc.

- How about a little golf? | - Ah, just threw my clubs away.

- What, again? | - The funniest thing happened.

I'm takin' my second stroke. I bean an | old geezer on the sconce with my ball.

Right near the green. | It was headed for the pin.

The ball rolls back | into a water connection.

I pick it up, | drop it over my shoulder,

it dribbles down | into the hole!

- I'm down in two. | - Well, uh...

What do you mean, "Well"? | They gave me the same argument.

I'm down in two. | Look at the back of the card.

They wanted me to do it over again, | after I had a fine drop.

- Where's the soap? | - It's in your hand.

Huh? Oh.

- How 'bout tomorrow, Doc? | - Uh, what time?

- Oh, about... | - No, I won't be able to go.

- Why not? | - I'm going duck shooting.

- Well, I'll run along... | - Say, boy. You should have been there.

- What? | - I took this mashie niblick, see...

I hit this straight shot for the pin.

It beans this old geezer.

- Down into the water connection | it goes. Coming back...

Oh, to hell with her!

- Drops into | the water connection, I pick it up...

and drop it over my shoulder | and down into the hole it goes!

- Well, I'll give you a ring tomorrow, Doc. | - Okay.

Were they burned up!

You could have fried eggs | on the back of his neck.

Send her in.

How do you do? | Will you sit down?

Put it in here, please.

You won't hurt | my leg, will you?

My doctor says | I have a very bad leg.

Your doctor | is off his nut.

I don't believe | in doctors, anyway.

There's a doctor lives | right down the street here.

Treated a man | for yellow jaundice for nine years,

and then found out | he was a Jap.

- You know, a little dog bit me the other day. | - Dr. Coolataw.

He bit me right here.

- Dog bit you? | - Yes. It was a little dachshund.

- Oh, yeah. | - A little tiny dog, but he sneaked up behind me...

and bit me | right like that!

You're rather fortunate it wasn't | a Newfoundland dog that bit you.

Will you sit down?

- Shall I use gas? | - Well, gas or electric light.

I'd feel nervous to have you | fool around me in the dark.

Come on, this isn't gonna hurt now. | I just want to look in there.

It's not gonna hurt. Come on, come on.

Come on. Come on, now.

I'll try not to be so cruel this time. | Come on. Come on!

Ow!

- Oh, Doctor, I can't let you do that again! Oh! | - Hmm.

- Tell her I'm out. | - But, Doctor, she has a 3:00 appointment.

I wouldn't care if she had | a 4:00 appointment.

Boy, when I was in Darjeeling, | oh, it was tigers...

What? | Tell her I'm out!

Go on out there | and tell her I'm out.

How do you do? | How are ya?

We've been waiting for you.

Sit down.

When I tell ya to go out and tell | one of these palookas...

that I'm out, go out | and tell them I'm out.

Don't have these buzzards | walk in on me.

I... When I don't want | to see 'em, I don't...

When I don't wanna | see 'em, I don't wanna see 'em.

Don't stand there | and look at me that way. Now, I'm...

You just come in | for the ride?

Haven't I seen your face | somewhere before?

Oh, probably you've seen me | at the horse show.

- Jockey? | - Sir.

Mm. Oh, yeah. | Can you open your mouth?

Come on now. You've got | a bigger mouth than that. Open up.

Mm. | Oh, beautiful!

Yeah.

Hand me that 404 | circular buzz saw, will you?

Dropping, dropping | Dropping, dropping

Is that a 4-0-4 conical | you've given me?

Ah.

There you are. | Now, that didn't hurt, did it?

I knew | it wouldn't hurt you.

Uh, here. | Give me that packing, please.

Thank you.

Put that tin there | and just stuff it in her mouth.

Pardon me for | just a moment.

You wouldn't let Arthur | come here to see me,

so I'm going to see him.

You're gonna do nothing of the kind.

Excuse me a moment, folks!

Get up there. | Come on. Get up there.

Get up there! | Hyah!

And stay in there. | Now, what do you think of that?

Keep you waiting?

You said a mouthful, there. | Open it... just a moment, there.

All your lines busy?

Why, it came out easily, | didn't it?

Yes, it did. | Yes, it did.

It surprised me.

Open wide. Open wide.

Uh, excuse me just a...

- Open that door! | - I can't. You locked me in.

- Where's the key? | - In your pocket.

Huh? Oh.

Stop it.

Shh! Shh!

Stay there. | There are people downstairs.

- Any patients? Huh? | - Miss Macy.

Oh. Oh, yes.

- Have you ever had this tooth pulled before? | - No!

This won't hurt you... | much.

Get your foot out of the... | Get it out!

Janice, help!

Thank you.

Whew!

- I'm gonna give her gas. | - Ooh!

Not gonna pull me | all around the floor.

Ow!

Relax.

Would you like a drink?

- What is it? | - Water.

No, thanks.

Stop!

Cease.

Well, it won't | be long now.

- That female wrestler gone? | - Yes, she's gone.

Is he standing | in a hole?

No, he's just | a little fella.

Hmm. Send him in. | I'll fix him.

This way, please.

How do you do? | How's everything up in Moscow?

Got two strikes on the boys, eh? | Will you sit down?

Thank you.

I can't find his mouth.

Hand me that stethoscope, | will you?

Thanks. | Will you say "ahh" please?

- Ahh. Ahh! Ahh! | - Again? Again?

- I almost had it. Ag-Again? | - Ahh.

- Ha. Ohh. | - Ahh. Ahh. Ahh.

Ah, I got it here! | Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

And a very | pretty thing too.

Yes. Let me see, now.

Hand me that drill.

Thank you.

Now, just | open your mouth.

This can't hurt. Okay.

You can't say | that hurt you.

Doctor, your daughter is | going out with the iceman.

- Don't be silly. I got her locked in the room. | - But they're using a ladder.

- Where do you think you're going? | - That's him!

- So, you're they guy that hit my father on the head. | - Wanna make anything out of it?

- I'd like to see you do that again. | - Is it necessary to do it again?

No, it isn't!

Father, you're not really | going to buy a Frigidaire, are you?

Fifty pounds, | and make it snappy.

- Who's thar? | - Officer Postlewhistle of the Canadian Mounted.

- Hello, officer. | - Good evening, Mr. Snavely.

- Is it still snowin'? | - I don't know. To tell you the truth, I never looked.

- Did you get your man? | - Not yet, but I got my eye on 'im.

Well, that's somethin'.

- You pullin' out? | - Figurin' on goin' over the Rim tonight.

How's your son Chester?

You heared | from him lately?

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