W.C. Fields: 6 Short Films Page #5

---

Chester, have you | any of them bonds on you...

or any of that money?

No, Dad, I ain't got | any of them bonds on me.

And I took that tainted money | and threw it away.

And you came back...

to me and mother.

- Yes, Pa. | - Hmm.

To sponge on us | the rest of your life, you block...

You lug! | Get out of here!

Get out...

you tramp, you!

Get out of here!

And it ain't a fit night out | for man or beast.

Get out of here! | Get out of here!

Stop that! Do you wanna | break that machine?

How do you do, Mr. Dilweg?

It doesn't matter how I do. | Get out of here.

- Hello? | - Hello.

Oh, it's you.

- Where have you been? | - At the firehouse.

- Playing contact bridge with the firemen. | - Did you win?

What kind we do | with hose cart?

I sold the hook and ladder | to a couple of drunken painters.

- Anybody been here since I've been gone? | - Yes, about 50 people.

- What did they want? | - Stamps.

Do you know since I've had | that big electric sign painted,

our stamp business has | picked up 100 percent?

- What do they want? | - They've been here since you left about 10:00 this morning.

And they haven't made a single move | in three and one half hours.

Why don't you get them out of here? | They never buy anything.

They just | borrow matches all day.

You better come up and get your dinner. | Soup's on the table.

Coming right away, dear. | Coming right away.

- How about a cocktail? | - They're already mixed.

- All you have to do is put in the ice. | - Oh, good.

- Hello, Pop. | - Hello. Don't do that.

- Will ya stop it? | - What's the matter, Pop? Don't you love me?

- Certainly I love you. | - What are you doing?

She's not gonna tell me | I don't love her.

- Here. You wanna play? | - Goody.

Whew!

Remind me to order some more stamps | tomorrow, will ya?

- That's fine. That's fine. That's enough. | - I wanna do it some more.

- Let go, will ya? | - Oh, let me do it just a minute, Pop.

Listen, | will you stop it?

Gee, let me do it.

Is Papa's little angel | going to sit down?

Won't Papa's little | doll baby sit down?

Or will Papa bust | her sconce in with...

What do you mean? | Have you gone crazy?

Sit down | and behave yourself.

Oh, gee whiz.

Mom, what's | technocracy?

- Ask your father, dear. | - Pop, what's technocracy?

Uh, yes, indeedy. | That's, uh...

Say, will you eat your soup | and stop asking silly questions.

And stop that.

Aw, gee, | I like to pop it.

One more pop, | and I'll pop you in the eye.

That's pretty.

I have a chewing gum olive, and she | makes a martini out... Get out of here!

Oh, gee, I'm hungry.

Why don't you learn | that kid some manners?

Teach, my dear. | Teach.

And it might be a good example | if you would take your hat off.

I have hay fever. | Another thing is, there's no top in it.

That doesn't matter.

She's eating | the canary bird!

- Godfrey Daniel! | - Get into that room...

Wait a minute. | Not yet.

- My ear! | - Aren't you ashamed of yourself?

Aren't you ashamed | of yourself?

- Go over there and behave yourself. | - Sit down there.

Oh, gee, Mom.

Yeah, just 'cause | I'm a little girl, you hit me.

- Pick on somebody your own size. | - Don't be insolent to your father.

She should see me down at the firehouse | rassling with them firemen.

I take six or eight of them, | throw 'em over my head and backwards.

Well, three, anyway.

Who taught that parrot | to do that?

Stop it.

Stop it. Stop it.

What did you want to eat | a canary bird for anyway?

I couldn't help it.

- Hello, kiddo. | - Hello, Leana.

- Where have you been? | - Cuthbert and I have been to the Blue Ballroom.

Cuthbert, | that sissy.

How do you know? | Why, you've never even seen him.

I don't have to see him. I never knew | a Cuthbert that wasn't a sissy.

When I went to school as a kid, I licked | every kid in school named Cuthbert.

Shh.

That kid's getting | awfully fresh.

If that's for me, I'm taking a bath. | I'll call 'em up later.

Hello? | Oh, hello, Cuthbert.

- Am I surprised, Cuthbert. | - Am I.

No, Cuthbert.

Really, Cuthbert?

Well, who told you that, | Cuthbert?

Somebody would have | to tell him.

- He'd never find it out himself. | - Really, Cuthbert?

Oh, Cuthbert. Oh, Cuthbert, | that's very, very funny.

Yeah, tell it to us. | Make us laugh too.

- Well, am I surprised, Cuthbert. | - Yeah, you'd be surprised.

- Well, tell me some more about it, Cuthbert. | - Oh, this is getting too much.

Tell him more. She's been talking | for an hour. Stop her.

Oh, that'll be fine, | Cuthy.

Cuthy. | It's Cuthy now.

- Be Cuth in a minute, okay? | - You're so cute, Cuthy.

- Yeah, I'll bet he's cute. | - You did, Cuthbert?

- Mm-hmm. | - Oh, yes, Cuthbert.

- Will you make her stop, please? | - She can't be rude, dear.

- Yes, I would, Cuthbert. | - You would, huh?

- Surely, Cuthbert. | - Yeah.

Yes, Cuth. Tomorrow.

I tell ya, she's making me sick.

That's good. | I'm glad I have to go downstairs.

All right. | Sure I will.

Hello? | Yes. Yes.

This is Dilweg's Drugstore. | Yeah, Mr. Dilweg speaking.

What's that? | Box of cough drops? Uh-huh.

Yeah, I know | what kind you mean.

Yeah, the gentleman with the whiskers, | one on each side, yeah.

Yeah. Uh, no.

No, I'm very sorry. | We can't split a box. No.

Yes, oh, yes, | we can deliver them. Yes.

Uh-huh. Where is it?

Uh-huh. Eighteen miles | straight out on route 96.

Turn to route 13 | and four and a half miles.

Yeah, yeah, all right.

All right. | A box of cough drops. Yes, yes.

We can deliver them | this afternoon. Yes.

Uh-huh. I'll send our truck out | with them right away.

Yes.

All right. Good-bye.

Just sold another box | of cough drops.

Sit down | in your chair properly.

- What do you mean up on your knees? | - I can't do nothin'.

Cuthbert!

Oh, you silly | thing, you.

There goes those chimes again. | I gotta go downstairs.

Yes, Cuthbert.

- How do you do? | - How do you do? Is there a lady in attendance here?

- Huh? | - Is there a lady in attendance here?

Oh. Uh, yes, yes. Yes, yes. I'll | be right down. She'll be right down.

Thank you.

Hurry up downstairs, | dear.

There are two ladies | that won't let me wait on 'em.

They want a lady | to wait on 'em.

- I simply can't go down there. | - They won't tell me what they want.

- You sit there and eat. | - I'll go down, Pop.

- Will you hurry up? | - Well, if I'm going to clerk in the drugstore,

I'll simply have to get | some decent-looking clothes first.

Hurry up, dear. | We're gonna lose their trade.

She'll be down | in half a moment.

You read Mother India?

Sex Life of the Polyp?

The Grover Boys | in Newsome?

Cake a la mode.

Fresh every Tuesday.

A rather amusing | little beggar.

Just a little fly speck, | that's all.

Old Moscow | in the winter.

Could I interest you | in a stamp?

- Yeah, give me a stamp. | - Oh.

No. Give me | a purple one.

Well, I'm sorry. We haven't any | purple ones. I could paint one for you.

I don't want | a painted one.

Rate this script:5.0 / 1 vote