W.C. Fields: 6 Short Films Page #6

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A person hasn't got any rights | in this country anymore.

The government | even tells you...

- What color stamps you gotta buy. | - Yeah, it's pretty tough.

That's the Democratic | Party for you.

I've written to Washington | about it.

What do you wanna write | to Washington for? He's dead.

- How much are your stamps? | - Three cents.

- All right. Give me one. | - Oh, thank you.

No. Don't give me | that dirty one.

Give me a clean one. | Give me the one out of the middle.

Well...

Sorry to keep you waiting.

Pardon my fingers. | Is that all right?

- Ah, shall we send it? | - No, I'll take it along.

Oh, yes.

- Huh? | - You got change for a hundred dollars?

No. I'm very sorry. | I haven't.

- I'll pay you the next time I come in. | - Just a moment.

Just a moment. We're giving these little | souvenirs away with every purchase.

Well...

We won't be able | to wait much longer.

Oh, uh... uh... uh... uh, | she'll be down, uh... she'll be down.

She'll be right down. | Just, uh... She won't... Just wait...

She'll be right down.

Uh, where's | your, uh...

- Oh, I'd love to, Cuthbert. | - Dear...

- Close the door and get out of here. I'm coming right down. | - Hurry up.

Those old ladies are getting very | impatient. We're gonna lose their trade.

Oh, Cuthbert.

Oh, I think that'd be lovely.

That's right. | Eat your spinach. Eat your spinach.

She'll be right down now. | Coming now.

What can I do for you?

Is there | a ladies restroom here?

Yes. Right over there.

- The first door on your left. | - Thank you.

You fool! | Why didn't you tell them?

- They didn't ask me anything about it... | - Ohh!

They never did tell me.

How you gonna know if...

How do you do, sir? | How are you?

What can I do for you?

Huh?

Certainly not.

You don't think | I'd break the laws...

of this great and grand | and glorious United States of ours...

just to satisfy | your depraved tastes?

A thousand no's.

I've never had or sold a bottle | of liquor since I've opened this place.

No? Well, | you're not fooling me.

- I'll get you yet. | - Huh?

Maybe and maybe not.

He looked a little screwy | when he came in here.

Did I understand you to say you were | giving souvenirs away.

- Oh, Mother. | - No, that's all right. Yes, that's all right.

Yes, we are, here.

- Here. | - Oh, thank you.

Oh, Mother, | isn't it lovely?

- Aren't you glad I asked? | - Would you like one?

- Oh, you're so kind. | - Oh, that's quite all right.

Thank you so much. | Aren't they gorgeous?

- Whenever you want any stamps, don't forget us. | - Thank you. We won't.

I've been in the same place | 15 years now.

I control all the stamp business | in this neighborhood.

What, more stamps?

Is she blotto | or not?

Yeah, some smelling salts. | Just crack that bottle off.

- That's right. | - Everything's free here.

If anybody's hurt, | it's all right.

I don't know | who she is.

Yeah, she's liable | to get diphtheria there.

- Where am I? | - Uh, Dilweg's Drug Company.

- Mr. Dilweg here. | - What happened?

I don't know.

- That horrible man again. | - I never saw her in all my life.

- Get her some whiskey. Get whiskey. | - Uh...

Hello? Hello?

Yeah. Uh-huh. | Mrs. Riggensmith?

Those cough drops | haven't arrived?

Oh, I'm very sorry.

Oh, I'm very sorry, yes. | They'll be there any minute.

I sent them out at 3:00 this afternoon | on our truck, yeah.

Good-bye. | Good-bye, Mrs. Riggensmith.

Wait a minute, dear. | There's so much noise out here,

I can't hear | a word you say.

There.

I want you to meet | a very wonderful young man.

- Mr. Smith, this is Mrs. Dilweg. | - How do you do?

Oh, dear, come here. I want you to meet | a very wonderful and brave young man.

He's just saved my life.

- This is my daughter. Mr. Smith. | - Cuthbert!

Oh, Leana!

I wanna meet Cuthbert!

Ha ha ha. Listen, dear, | go upstairs and eat your pogo.

- Then you can jump on your spinach after. Go! | - I wanna meet Cuthbert.

Pretty good town you got here.

You bet we have. A public library and | the largest insane asylum in the state.

Come on, Joe. | Let her down.

All right, all right. | Slack it up.

They sure were great fights | last night, O'Hare.

Yes, they were, yeah. | Never saw better fights in my life.

- I got a kick out of them. | - So did I. So did I.

Fought like | a couple of dressmakers.

I see fights like that, I feel | like getting back into condition...

and getting into | the fight game myself again.

Ah, that's better.

Hello, O'Hare. | What do you know?

Not a thing. Not a thing.

That lug tells his wife | everything he knows.

Don't tell him anything.

- Good morning, Mr. O'Hare. | - Good morning, Mrs. Coggins.

- How's Mr. Coggins? | - He's not so well this morning.

Oh, that's unfortunate. | I'm sorry to hear that.

- I'm worried about him. | - Yeah, I am too.

He was out on one of his benders | last night again.

Boy, how he can drink that raw alcohol | and live I don't know.

Fine mayor he is.

Get out. Get out. | Get out. Get out. Get out of here.

All I gotta do all day long | is paint that bowl?

Pop, Ma says to come up | and get your vittles right away.

Get my vittles? | I'll be right with you, Ronald.

- Pop, you wanna hear a riddle? | - I'd love to hear a riddle.

- Why is a cat's tail like a long journey? | - I'm afraid you have me, Ronald.

- Why is a cat's tail like a long journey? | - 'Cause it's far to the end.

Oh, Ronald very good. | Absolutely sidesplitting.

- Sit down and eat your dinner. | - What, no meat?

Vegetables contain | more minerals.

Pop, you wanna hear | another cat riddle?

Yes, I would, Ronald. | I'd love to.

What looks most like a cat looking | out of a window?

I don't know. What looks most | like a domestic feline...

contentedly gazing | from the window?

I'll tell you, Pop, what looks most | like a cat looking out of a window.

Another cat | looking in.

Oh, very good, Ronald. | Very good.

Eat your spinach. | Eat your spinach. Eat your spinach.

- Pop, would you like to hear another riddle? | - Don't encourage him.

Eat your carrots.

Dear, that shows he's awfully smart. | Mr. Lincoln used to tell riddles.

That, as much as anything else, made him | the wonderful president that he was.

Pop, why is a load of hay | like a mouse?

Don't. | My poor brain.

He gives me skull pains | with these terrible riddles.

Do you know why a load of hay | is like a mouse?

No, Ronald, I do not.

I've never noticed a similarity | between a small rodent...

and a large amount | of horse's provender.

Why does...

a small rodent | resemble a load of hay?

'Cause a cat'll eat it.

Cat'll eat it? | Cat'll eat it?

Very good, Ronald. | Very...

Eat your spinach. | Eat your spinach.

- Hey, where are you? | - Yeah? Coming, coming.

Coming, coming, | coming, coming.

- Hey, where are you? | - Coming, coming, coming, coming.

I'm coming.

Hello. I hear you | wanna to buy a fiddle.

Oh, no. I have Lena here. | I'm perfectly satisfied with her.

Oh. But him | is a fine fiddle.

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