W.C. Fields: 6 Short Films Page #7

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He may be a fine fiddle, | but I get very sweet music out of Lena.

Then somebody told me | that you wanna buy a fiddle.

Two weeks ago I did. | But I had Lena all fixed up...

and I'm perfectly | satisfied with her now.

- And me push him for three miles. | - Oh, I'm sorry about that.

Hey, hey, can I keep him here | till I come back from work?

Surely. Put him right | in the corner here.

- That's fine. | - Put him right in there.

- That's okay. That's fine. | - Take good care of him.

- I'll take good care of him. | - So long.

Good-bye.

How do you do, | Miss Sharp?

- Have a nice lunch? | - Yes.

I had a wonderful steak | at the lunch counter.

Steak. I love meat.

But we never have it | at our house.

My wife's a vegetarian.

All we have | is vegetables.

Say, I was practicing | last night on Lena out in the garage.

And I think I got | that down fine now.

- Would you mind listening to it? | - Oh, I'd love to.

- You like that? | - I think it's sweet.

Yeah, I think it's much better | than it was. Isn't it funny?

My wife doesn't think | it's music.

Guess she just has | no ear for it.

Here's the other one. | This is the second motif.

That's more difficult that way when you | have to move your hands around that way.

Howdy do, sir? | Will you sit down?

- Manicure? | - No.

- Haircut or shave? | - Yeah.

- I beg your pardon. Isn't your name Flogg? | - Yeah.

I thought so. I didn't recognize | your face when you first came in.

No, it's all healed up | since I was in here last.

Oh, Mr. O'Hare,

I see they're offering | a $ 2,000 reward...

for that bandit who robbed the bank | in Cucamonga City.

Two thousand dollars. | I'd like to get that dough.

If I wasn't so busy, | I'd go over and choke that guy to death.

I'd teach him not to rob banks | in and around City.

Oh, Mr. O'Hare,

did you know you had | your hat on backwards?

- I beg your pardon? | - Did you know you had your hat on backwards?

Oh, no. | Thank you very much.

I had it on backwards | day before yesterday...

and a friend of mine | came up and kicked me in the stomach.

Joe, don't miss it!

Be careful, boys. | Be careful.

Throw it out here, | Mr. O'Hare!

I haven't thrown a spitball since I was | first line pitcher on the Baltimore Orioles.

All right, son!

- Get on the other side of the street. | - Okay.

There she goes.

Ow!

Well, he...

He didn't hit it.

Just sharpening | the blade, that's all.

Shut your eyes, please.

That tickle?

A little in your ear. | But that won't hurt.

Ah! Ah! Ah!

Okay. It wasn't your fault. | I can fix that.

No harm done. | No harm done.

Got a mole?

- Yeah. I've had it all my life. | - Mm-hmm.

Won't have it anymore.

You wanna shave | right here.

- Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. | - Ah! Ah! Ah!

That's all right. I...

Uh, how do you do?

Is it true that you can take weight off | in that steam room of yours?

I positively | guarantee it.

My wife says if I don't get some | of this fat off, she'll leave me.

Step right this way, | will you?

Right in here. | Here's the room right here.

Just go | into this hangar.

Change your clothes | in there.

If he ever took his shoes off, | he'd go right up in the air.

Hey, what's that dog | doing in here?

It's a very funny thing. | The other day a man was in here.

And I was shaving him. | The razor slipped and I cut his ear off.

The dog got it. Ever since he's been | hanging around here for...

Go away. Go away. | He can't get another ear.

Got to follow through, | the same as you do with a hockey club.

I guess my strop | freezes up the moment I...

Ah! There you are.

Here we are. | Here. See? Steam room.

Right in there. | Right in there and sit down.

There, there. I'll turn | the steam on right away.

Come on, Ethel. | Get excited.

There you are.

Now, don't stay in there | over a minute.

If it gets too hot, just press | that button and the light will go on.

If you get into any trouble, | just pull that rope...

and the horn | will blow up there,

and I'll get you | right out.

He's in there a minute, | it'll take a ton off.

Just one little hot towel, | and you'll be like new again.

All right. | All right. All right.

All right.

All right.

- All right. | - Oh!

All right.

There you are.

The police car. | I bet they're after that bandit.

Which way did they go? | They went up that way.

When I hear that old siren, | I feel like an old horse.

Wanna get back | in the harness again.

- I used to be a detective once. | - Really, Mr. O'Hare?

- Yes, yes. | - You seem to have been everything.

- Well, I guess I was. My wife calls me every... | - Cornelius!

Yes, yes, my | will-o'- the-wisp?

- Did you mail that letter I gave you yesterday morning? | - Uh... Uh... Uh, yeah... Yes.

- Yes, I did, dear. | - I think I'll go have my dress fitted.

Yes, have your dress | fitted, yes.

- How do you do, Mrs. Broadbutter? | - How do you do, Mr. O'Hare?

Would you mind taking care of the baby | while I go in the drugstore?

- I'd love to. | - Thank you.

- How's Mr. Broadbutter? | - Fine. I'll be just a minute.

Okay. Here. What's this? | Come here. Come here.

My little wooly britches. Don't you | know to swallow that will kill you?

I'll get it. Here she is.

Oh!

Wouldn't you like to wait | for a little powder?

I'd like to have enough powder | to blow you up, if you wanna know.

Have you had enough?

Have I had enough?

Ah, been biting | your nails again, eh?

If I had | my former weight,

I'd choke you to death.

I'll sue you...

and take this barbershop | away from you.

Oh, well, | I don't care.

And I just got this | nice new steam room put in too.

I'll have the law | on you for this.

Well, I told you | not to stay in over a minute.

- Did you have a nice lunch? | - Cornelius?

- Ah, yes, my slendery? | - I'm going downtown.

- I need clothes. Give me some money. | - You got change for a dollar?

Give it to me. I think | I'll have my nails manicured too...

while I'm out.

- Pop, you wanna hear another riddle? | - Not now, Ronald.

Run along. | Run along, son.

Play your | little baseball.

O'Hare?

If you think you've heard | the last of this, you're mistaken.

- You deliberately locked me in that room. | - Why, that's a colossal fib.

I'm a very | kindhearted person.

I've never hurt man, | beast or child.

Except when I had to.

Well, Lena, | let's get going.

I'm glad you like this.

- How do you do? | - Oh, howdy do? Howdy do?

- I'd like to have my little girl's hair cut. | - Oh, surely.

She's a very pretty little girl. | I'd love to cut her hair.

- And she knows where to go, doesn't she? | - Yes, she does indeed.

- It's a very pretty hat she has on. | - She's been to a maypole dance.

- Has she? | - Yes.

- Want your hair cut? | - No.

- Gloria. | - Oh, have your hair cut. I'll just take her hat off.

- Do you mind? | - I don't want my hat off.

I'll have it off.

- You can't wear a hat when you're having your hair cut. | - No indeed.

There's two hats.

- Maybe she better keep her hat on. | - It might not be bad.

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