Waiting For Guffman

First of all,

i want to thank

everybody for coming.

Giving up your lunch hours

and all that.

And, lord knows,

very exciting for all of us.

Happy to be here.

Oh, me, too.

Absolutely. And let's just

get our hands right into it.

Who wants to start us off?

I'll be

happy to start.

You know what? Gwen,

why don't you start us off?

Ok. Sure...

you don't need

the pointer here, do you?

No. I don't need

the pointer. Thanks.

I'll just hold on

to it, then.

Oh, she's fine. Gwen?

There is

a concern that i have

that i think

needs addressing

is that we can't have

the port-a-potties

too far off

the main route,

because we do have

a lot of seniors.

Uh, we've solved that.

We're gonna take

the port-a-potties

and put 'em

right over here.

They're not gonna

be in the way.

We're gonna

put a receptacle

over near

arts and crafts.

This is the big bins

you're talking about?

We've got barrels, too.

And we're gonna put

the barrels on every corner.

Wait a minute.

That's... that's the crate?

That's the big

barrel, 'cause you got

the pie-eating going on

right over here.

It's more of a dumpster

than a barrel.

That's another thing.

If anything happens

like last year

with that pie-eating...

which brings me

to a point... security.

Oh, god.

Security. I say

we put a rifle on here,

a man with a rifle here,

and a rifle here.

Protect the whole square.

Is that really

necessary?

Yes. Remember how much

we got egged last year?

Absolutely.

What can i tell you?

We're pleased as punch.

We... we are so proud.

We know that

whatever we do here

is a first for blaine

and a first for missouri,

that whatever we do

is going to be the standard

against which all other

sesquicentennials...

that's the 150...

will be judged.

The people of blaine

are can-do people.

In fact, you know, there's

an old saying in missouri

if you don't like the weather,

just wait 5 minutes.

In blaine, i honestly

believe with hard work,

we can get that down

to 3 or 4 minutes.

Here in our

sesquicentennial year,

we've got a lot

to talk about.

There's a lot

to be proud of.

And we're very proud

of it,

and i think it's about time

that the world

knows more about blaine.

We're chomping at the bit,

certainly from this end,

to get it out there.

It all started

with blaine fabin.

He was hired by 30 settlers

to lead a wagon-train expedition

from philadelphia to california.

Uh, on the 14th night,

word has it they were

sitting around the campfire,

and blaine said,

"do you smell it?

Do you smell the salt

in the air?"

He said, "we're here.

I brought you to california."

And so there was

a big party that night.

And the next morning,

they got up. Uh...

they didn't see the ocean

because they were in missouri.

Uh, blaine was able to convince

them for a little while

that it was just low tide

and things,

but what had happened was

that he had made some mistakes.

Bad weather. Wasrt familiar,

perhaps, with the proper route.

But as it turns out,

everybody was quite happy

to be where they were.

So they said, "it's ok we didn't

make it to california.

We'll stay here."

And that's why

i'm at this desk.

Well, i'm very proud to say

that i'm a direct descendant

of blaine fabin.

I've lived here all my life.

As did my parents

and their parents

and their parents

and their parents

and so on and so forth.

I'm very excited about

the show coming up,

because it'll be

the first time

i'll have the experience

of sitting in the audience

and seeing actors portray

my ancestor...

the... the actual

blaine fabin.

Being a fabin

is not always easy.

Um, i can certainly understand

how the kennedys feel.

I had been

living in new york

and working there

as an actor and director

and choreographer

for 25 years or so,

and i really felt

i needed a change.

I imagined, in my fantasy,

i suppose,

that when i came here,

i would have a completely

different life.

Uh, perhaps, um...

a construction worker

or one of those guys

that works on those

high-wire things that, uh...

with the hard hat.

You know,

that sweeping sort of hat.

And, uh, with the chaps.

But that didn't really

work out.

I began to realize, i guess,

that the theater

was still in my blood,

and what i had to do was

make use of that,

so i offered my services

to the high school here,

and they accepted,

and i began to teach drama.

And within about 6 months,

i had formed

the blaine community players.

I got to tell you,

we are very, very excited

about the big show

that's happening

at the end of the festival.

Everyone right now

is just going crazy

getting ready to audition.

And unfortunately

i won't be able to audition.

We have to stock that day

and can't get out of it.

And corky will not let me

audition any other time.

So, "that's show business,"

is what he told me,

and, uh, you know,

he's the master.

You gotta give him credit

for that.

President mckinley

did a whistle-stop tour

back in 1898.

And a little boy,

jimmy mcbean,

made a stool for him.

And he loved it so much

that he called back,

and said, "lookit, i would

like to give more of these

to dignitaries

who are visiting."

And before you knew it,

blaine is manufacturing

all these footstools.

And that's how the big...

that's how we got

the stool boom.

Blaine became the stool capital

of the world.

My first show

wasbarefoot in the park,

which was an absolute smash,

but my production

on the stage ofbackdraft

was what really

got them excited.

This whole idea of

in-your-face theater

really affected them.

The conceptualization,

the whole abstraction,

the obtuseness

of this production to me

was what was interesting.

I wanted the audience

to feel the heat from the fire,

the fear... because people

don't like fire poked,

poked in their noses.

You know, when you get

a cinder from barbecue

right on the end

of your nose

and you kind of make

that little face.

That's not a good thing.

I wanted to have

the sense memory of that.

So during the show,

i had someone

burn newspapers

and... and send it through

the vents in the theater.

Well, they freaked out.

Of course, the fire marshal

came over,

and they shut us down

for a couple of days.

Mr. Bluestein,

montezuma's revenge

is nothing more

than good old-fashioned

american diarrhea.

Adult diapers

should never even

enter the picture.

So you lose

a few pounds.

My mom used to say

that blaine

is a little town

with a big heart

in the heart

of a big country.

And, to me, blaine

is a kind of town

where i can have

my own business,

meet and marry a wonderful

woman like sheila,

and... and be something,

be somebody.

Some people

find it ironical

that even though

we run a travel agency,

we've never been

outside of blaine.

With one exception.

Well, we've never

been out...

you left blaine.

Well, i went

to jefferson city once.

It was a...

tell them why.

It was a medical reason.

You can tell 'em.

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